I’m really glad you enjoyed the read and thanks for the advice. I’m sorry about the review I gave out, but it was my first day and I was a bit behind on what I needed to do. Truly Sorry
Short Story / A Haunting Memory (Analysis)
A Haunting Memory: copyright 2008
By; Robin Renee Ray
None of us could wait to get out of school that afternoon. After all, we had been anticipating that night for the past month. It was to be the night of all nights, and the four of us weren’t about to let anything get in our way. Every day for the past seven years, my family had driven by the old Barker place. It was just a normal looking two-story home, but the stories that went along with it kept it empty and stopped most people from getting within fifty yards of it. Fortunately, I am not most people.
My name is Janie Albright, and my friends and I like to investigate the paranormal. On top of that, I happen to be the daredevil of my school. I have gone and done things that not too many girls my age would do, and tonight would test my bravery to the limits. My friends – Tammy, Robert and David, and I are going to the old Barker place to perform the investigation we’ve had planned for so long. We aren’t your typical teenage “ghost- hunters” either. David’s father owns a surveillance company, so we have access to equipment that is usually only available to professionals. Sound and motion detectors, night vision cameras, and digital voice recorders are just to name a few. After dark, the four of us will go in to set up the equipment, and once everything is in place, everyone will leave the house except for me. Tammy and Robert, who in my opinion is somewhat of a networking genius for his age, will set up computers to monitor the equipment from his home a couple of miles away. David will start out with them, but has to meet his parents for a late dinner at around eight, and will meet back up with the others afterwards.
The story behind the Barker family is mostly one of hearsay, but one of murder and witchcraft nonetheless. It’s said that old man Barker was the head of a devil worshiping cult, and his wife was said to be the high priestess of an all woman witch coven. They had no children of their own, but had adopted three, all no older than two years in age. Not one of the children lived in the Barker home for more than five years without dying a strange and unusual death. One fell down the back stairs, the second drown in the tub, and the one that made the town take notice, was hung “supposedly” playing by the swing set on a homemade rope swing. Nothing ever came of the deaths and the town soon forgot about the three dead children.
However, ten years later, small children started coming up missing from not only this small town, but the towns in the surrounding area. A woman named Mary Stine was the first to make a claim against the Barkers. Soon after, she was found dead in her garden. Allegedly, the healthy 29-year-old had a massive heart attack while plucking weeds from between her Azaleas. Those suspicious of the Barkers knew different, and the death was enough to keep anyone else from coming forward. Three years and more than thirteen missing children later, a man named Alfred Jones came forward to make his claim, only he was smart enough to leave something behind.
To whom it may concern:
I, Alfred Jones, have gone to the proper authorities and demanded that they do an investigation concerning the disappearance of the children. I, for one, know that the Barkers are behind it and if anything should happen to me because of this claim, please look to the Barkers for the cause of my death.
Sincerely,
Alfred Jones
One week later, Mr. Jones was dead. His car had wrapped around a tree on a rainy night and would have been deemed an accident if not for the note. Sure enough, an investigation showed that the brake lines had been cut and the Barkers were to blame. The police had surrounded the Barker home, but never had a chance to prosecute. Mr. and Mrs. Barker took their own lives, ingesting a large dose of cyanide before the police could break down the door. After their bodies were taken away, their home was searched and in the basement they discovered two different shrines, filled to overflowing with gruesome piles of foul, mutilated animal parts, mixed with strange herbs and indescribable items in blackened jars.
It was what they found under a small portion of wood that lay loosely covering a putrid smelling hole in the earth that brought the town to its knees in shame and horror for closing its ears to the cries for justice. Beneath the floor lay the bodies of each and every child the Barker’s had murdered. The children had been sacrificed to whatever god that the Barker’s had worshiped, and on each shrine lay a piece of each and every one of them.
Like I said before, this story is one of hearsay and despite our efforts to find proof – in archived newspaper, old news footage, and even on the internet – we were unable to do so. This is why we decided to do this investigation. We had to know the truth.
Chapter 2
I watched the clock as the hands ticked toward three o’clock, and I was out of my seat before the bell rang. I was more than ready to get this investigation underway, and within minutes of being dismissed, the four of us met up outside of the school.
“Janie, are you sure you want to stay in there by yourself?” Tammy asked, already paling at just the mere thought.
“Of course,” I replied confidently. “Besides, you guys will be watching, right?”
“Yeah, like two miles away.”
“She’s a big girl, Tammy,” David added, placing his backpack in the car. “It’s not like we haven’t done this before.”
“True, David, but when was the last time you were at the old Barker place? Huh, can you tell me that?” Tammy asked putting her hand on her hip.
“It’s just a house, what’s the big deal anyway? We don’t even know if the stories are true. I haven’t found anything other than one or two kid’s bones being found close to there. Nothing about the way the Barker’s died, the shrines, nothing. For all we know, someone made that stuff up to keep kids like us of the property,” Robert proclaimed.
“I say we go get our stuff, and get it set up before we lose the light,” David interrupted.
“Well, just for the record, I don’t like it. That place scares the pee right out of me,” Tammy said, rubbing her arms as if she were cold.
“Look if you don’t want to go in, we can get everything set up,” I told her. “You can check the stats in the car from Robert’s laptop.”
“Yeah, you can even wait at my house,” Robert said. “It won’t take more than maybe two hours, if that.”
“If you guy’s don’t leave me by myself… I’ll be fine.” she replied looking down, then glancing quickly back up to us.
“Just stick with me,” I said placing my arm over her shoulder. “I wouldn’t trust either one of them.” I nodded toward the boys, eyebrows raised, and we both started laughing.
It was five that afternoon before we made it to the Barker place, and we were all feeling somewhat strange pulling up the drive.
“Did anyone else just feel like someone ran over their grave?” Tammy asked.
“It feels like there’s a thick invisible wall that we just drove through,” Robert added.
“You’re all full of crap. It was nothing…nothing at all,” David said with minimal confidence, continuing up the drive to the back of the house. I wasn’t sure what I had just felt, but it darn sure wasn’t ‘nothing’. To me, it was almost like trying to breathe when you get out of a good cold car on a really humid day.
David stopped the car and we all got out. We stood there for a time just looking up at the house. It was as creepy as they came: dead vines covered the two story house, all the paint had been gone for years leaving it a dull gray, and more than half the windows were boarded up, but all in all the old place wasn’t in that bad of shape. Robert and David got the back door open while Tammy and I started unloading the car.
“If these batteries run down, you’ll have to change them, but the generator should keep the cameras operating without any problems,” Tammy explained.
“Plus, I have a box full of candles to set around so I don’t use up all my flashlights,” I replied.
“You would burn your candles even if the house had electricity. What do you always say? ‘It makes the spirits feel better’,” Tammy humorously added.
“The candles are soothing for both of us, okay? Besides, this place can’t smell too good after being closed up for the past seventeen years. I brought lavender and rosemary, UUUMMMM!” I said smiling and wiggling my brows.
“Let’s just hope the ghosts of the Barkers don’t mind,” Tammy replied, shaking her head.
“Hey you two, come look at this!” David called out.
Tammy waited for me, but once I had my hands full of equipment, we took off.
“You have got to be kidding me!” I said surprised once I saw what David was talking about. “No one has ever taken any of this stuff out?”
“Guess not. Shall we?” Robert said as he led the way in.
The house looked as if the owners had just stepped out and forgotten to take anything with them. The dinner plates still sat on the kitchen table and it looked like their supper was still on the stove.
“I’m not opening one of those pans, that would be rank,” Robert said waving his hand in front of his face.
“Dude, it’s been like a hundred years, there’s nothing left to stink,” David said, pushing Robert into the stove.
“Man, don’t do that! Heck man, the only thing I had in my mind was maybe there was a head in that pot.”
“Shut up Robert, that’s not even funny!” Tammy said in a bit of a panic.
“Come on, you guys. Let’s just get this stuff set up, I’m ready to check this place out,” I said, running my finger through the two-inch thick dust that layered the countertop.
Leaving the kitchen, we entered a long hall that led to an open foyer, which held the entrance to a large staircase. On the right, was the dining room and a large double door that led to a living area on the left, all full of furniture just as it had been the day the Barker’s left this world. The only difference was the dust and cobwebs that blanketed everything. Even the windows were intact, and that above all was the strangest thing to me, knowing that every kid in town threw rocks at this place when they passed by.
David picked a pocket-watch up off the small end table, and examined it admiringly. “I’m taking this with me,” David said, still looking it over.
“Put it back, David, you’re going to piss them off!” Tammy said.
“Then they can just come out and tell me about it, cant they?” he replied sarcastically, starting to tuck the watch into his pocket.
“She’s right, David,” I agreed. “You really shouldn’t take anything.”
“Fine, but I don’t see what it could hurt. It’s just an old watch.” He messed with it a little more, and then placed it back on the table.
“Okay, I have the layout and I’m going to start setting up the cameras,” Robert said as he came around the corner from the dining area.
“I’ll go upstairs and see if we’re going to be able to set anything up there. If not, I’ll just try and get some voice recordings,” I said, heading for the staircase.
“My cell’s not working in here, that’s not good,” Robert said, holding his phone above his head in different angles, hoping for a signal.
“Hey, mine’s dead! Won’t even turn on,” Tammy added enthusiastically. “My watch is even dead. O, did I just say dead twice?”
“Three times, and so is mine,” David replied tapping the watch on his wrist.
“We better make sure the monitors are going to have some feed before you guys drive all the way back to your house, Robert. No need in doing all this for nothing,” David said as he snapped his phone closed.
“Dude, I’m the computer man in this bunch. I know everything about everything when it comes to this equipment. Just because the phones are down doesn’t mean the computer will be. It’s all on a different frequencies… like two different types of satellites,” Robert explained while on his knees, pulling wires from his backpack.
Once he had the first screen set up, he hit the switch, started up the first camera, and sure enough his big head came into view, with his silly smile of satisfaction cracking up the rest of us. Robert went on to hook up all the wires to the items that we had place about the house, making sure the batteries and backups were next to every piece of equipment that needed it, and that every camera was at an angle that he thought would be best to see me at all times.
Once everything was as good as we thought we could get it, we all ended up back in the living room to go over the plans for the night one last time.
“Okay, David, you’re going to drop them off, then go meet your folk’s right?” I asked.
“Yeah,” he said disappointedly. “Man, if I didn’t have to go I wouldn’t, but you guys know my old man. As soon as he gets through with his ‘you need to look into that college’ speech thing, I’ll be right back to Robert’s.”
“I’ll start the walkthrough when it gets good and dark. Say around ten or so?” I said, looking down at my watch. When I noticed everyone looking at me, I said, “What? Oh, this was my grandma’s watch. It’s a windup… probably the only reason it’s still working.”
“Okay!” David said, startling us a little as he jumped to his feet. “Let’s wrap this up, shall we? I have to meet my parents in forty-five minutes, and I still have to get home and shower. Have to look my best for the Country Club,” he proclaimed in a deep southern voice, one eyebrow cocked. We all laughed, and then I settled in as the others headed out to the car.
Chapter 3
I listened as they drove away, wondering just how crazy I must really be. This place gave me a chill alright, but every since I could remember, it just felt kind of normal – and never frightening – to be alone. I wasn’t like your average seventeen year old; I wanted to explore the unknown when others my age wanted to go party or hit the drag.
After walking through the first floor, I rolled my sleeping bag out in front of the fireplace, and set my small ice chest close to it. I looked up at the staircase, took a deep breath, and started my slow walk up.
The sun had already gone down, so I lit every candle that I passed. There were three altogether on the staircase and at least one in each of the four rooms upstairs. I reached the top and went into the closest room. It must have been one of the children’s rooms, because there were two twin beds with dolls on each of them and a wooden rocking horse in the corner.
The curtains were tattered and faded, but you could tell even by candlelight that they had once been the color of pale wine, just like the bed covers. I turned to walk out and noticed a sound at my back, a sound like wood creaking, but when I turned I saw nothing. I disregarded it as my imagination and I continued on. I went into the room across the hall, and it was filled with boy things. There was a train-set on the floor, spread out like someone had just been playing with it, and two model airplanes hanging from the ceiling. There was only one small bed and a good size toy box as far as furniture went, and there were no curtains at all.
I heard another sound coming from the hall and only then did I remember to take the voice recorder out from my pocket. “What an idiot,” I thought as I turned on the device. I went out to the camera in the main hall that was closest to the staircase. Surely by now Tammy and Robert were watching me as I fumbled with the recorder. I bent down and stuck my tongue out, showing them that I had just turned on the device and I pointed down the hall, indicating that I was about to make my way into the master bedroom. I gave a thumbs-up and headed on down the hall.
It was full dark out now, and other than the candles and the red lights on top of the cameras, this place was pitch black and bouncing in shadows. I didn’t see how poor Robert was going to be able to tell anything out of the ordinary, when I was seeing movement in every corner. I was thinking maybe I should blow out my candles, when I heard a loud bang downstairs, just as I was about to open the master bedroom door.
For a good long minute, my heart froze in my chest and I questioned myself as to what was I doing in this place and how in the world could I get out. It wasn’t long before my head cleared, and I gathered myself, remembering that spirits are just that and cannot hurt you. I dusted the fear off my shoulder, and started my way back down the stairs, though this time I moved at a snail’s pace. Not three steps from the bottom I heard the bang again, making a small sound escape from my lips. I clamped my hand over my mouth, and closed my eyes.
“Get a grip… you’ve done this like a million times,” I thought to myself. It was true, but it had never been in a place like the old Barker home.
The sound had come from the kitchen. Better than most I knew I had to go and check it out. It was the reason I was here after all. I took those last three steps and slowly headed down the hall that led to the kitchen. Right as I started to enter the kitchen, David stepped out, and I screamed at the top of my lungs. Once I could breathe again, I said, “What the heck are you doing here? You almost gave me a heart attack!”
“I don’t really know,” he said, looking a little confused. “All I know is that we have to leave now, Janie. This is a bad place.”
“Bull, David. I’m not going anywhere. What’s gotten into you, anyway? You’re all out of breath and you look horrible.” I looked out the window as best I could through all the crud caked on it. “Where’s your car? I didn’t hear it pull up?”
“My parents have it now. Please Janie, you have to go now,” he demanded.
“You walked all the way back here? Look, David, it’s already close to midnight. Tammy and Robert will come back here in a few hours, maybe even sooner once they see that you’re here with me, so just chill, okay?”
“You just don’t understand…” he started to say more, but I stopped him.
“Come on, I heard some cool stuff upstairs, and I still want to check out the basement. I won’t be so afraid now that you’re with me.” He just hung his head then looked back up and smiled.
“You always were so darn stubborn.” He took my hand, and said, “Let’s just stick together, no splitting up, okay?”
“You got a deal,” I said without argument. “I have to admit this is one creepy joint.”
We both went back upstairs to check out the master bedroom. David never got more than a few feet from me and I can’t say that I minded. I was more than glad to have him back with me. This house was different. The bedroom spoke for itself. There were some type of bones strung out all across the top of the dresser, the bed was draped in a sheer gray net, and you could still see the indention on the bed where Mr. and Mrs. Barker’s bodies once slept. It was downright eerie.
“You would think that when the law came in this place, all of this stuff would have been removed,” I said as I poked around in the things on the night stand.
“They never came up here,” David replied.
“How do you know?”
“Just like you said, it wouldn’t be here if they had,” he said with a shrug.
We finished looking at all of the strange items that ranged from bones to old jars filled with God only knows what, to trinkets and little porcelain dolls. The windows in the room were boarded up from the inside and covered with dusty black curtains that were tucked behind an old wooden chest.
“Hold up, David, I have to see what’s inside here,” I said, walking toward the chest.
“No!” David hollered. “Don’t, Janie. Old lady Barker wouldn’t like that.”
“It’s just an old chest, probably full of rotten blankets,” I replied as I opened it. It wasn’t dusty old blanket at all. It was full of baby clothes.
“Get out of my house!.” a female voice bellowed in a tone so frightening, that I instantly broke out in a cold sweat. David grabbed me by the collar of my shirt, pulling me back from the chest and up to my feet before I had time to think.
“Hey! Stop it, David, you’re choking me,” I said as he and I both back-peddled away from the room.
“We have to go, NOW!” he yelled.
“David, calm down!” I demanded and planted my feet where I stood. He released my shirt, but didn’t step back.
“Didn’t you hear that?” he asked half scared to death.
“Yes, I heard it, but I have heard things like that before. You can’t get all freaked about it. Things sometimes happen like that, ya know?” I said, doing my best to calm his nerves as well as my own.
“I don’t want to go back in there, and I don’t want you to leave me out here, so can we just go back down now?” I looked back at the door to the room and agreed with him, reluctantly. As we passed the cameras on our way back down, I pointed at David and made a face making fun of him, hoping that the others got the point I was making. Then I smiled and threw them a kiss. David never paid any attention either way. He had gotten the spook of a lifetime, and he was more than ready for this night to end. Unfortunately for him, we were nowhere near finished.
“Let’s get a coke, and then hit the basement,” I said.
“Are you out of your freakin’ mind?! After what we just heard up there, you want to go down where… where we know they found bodies? Are you mad?” he ranted.
“Why are we here, David?” I asked, throwing my hands in the air. “We’ve had this planned for a months and we’ve talked about doing it for over a year. And from what you said, no one ever came up here, so how do we know bodies were found down there? If that’s true, then we have to go down ‘cause we may be the first ones to even check! Look, if it’s bothering you so much then walk to Robert’s and wait for me.”
“I can’t.”
“What do you mean you can’t?”
“I mean, I just don’t want to leave you here.”
“I’m not the one that’s all like freaking out here. I’m not leaving and that’s it.”
“It’s going to get bad if we go down there. That’s where they did… what they did,” he said in a voice almost too soft to hear.
“They’re dead. They can’t hurt us, David, you know that. The sounds are just creepy, that’s all,” I explained.
He didn’t reply. He only nodded, and followed me to the sleeping bag, and as I got two cokes out of the ice chest he made himself comfortable. I handed him one and popped mine open.
“This has been the best place we’ve investigated. I always thought the talk was bull, but guess I won’t be saying that anymore,” I babbled, just wanting to break the silence that had fallen over us. “I wonder what all Robert got on tape?”
“What tape?”
“’What tape?’ Did you bump your head up there or something? The cameras, the voice recorder…” I said as I held it up.
“Oh, yeah. I thought you meant something else.”
“David, you’ve been acting weird ever since you got here. Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Sorry, but this place just gets to me. The sooner we get out of here, the better.”
“And girls are supposed to be the weaker of the species,” I replied and started laughing.
“Let’s make sure the batteries are working and get on down in that there basement,” I said wiggling my eyebrows at David.
“Not funny, no matter how cute you are,” he said, but reluctantly he got up and followed.
I finished my pop and sat it down by the sleeping bag as I stood up.
Chapter 4
Everything was in working order and the two of us found the basement door right under the staircase. I turned the knob, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Good, it’s locked!” said David, a little too eagerly. “Let’s go check out something else.”
“Damn, I really wanted to go down there. Think we should try to break the lock?”
“NO!”
“Fine,” I said, taking my hand away from the knob. “Where to, then?” As we turned to walk away, the door creaked as if it were being opened. I turned my head back to see that it had indeed opened about two inches. I reached for the handle, but David grabbed my arm. He looked me dead in the eye and shook his head. I didn’t say anything; just nodded and smiled, turning back to the door. I pushed it open and was faced with pitch black silence.
“David do you have the flash light?”
“No, don’t you?”
“No, I left it on the table, go get it.”
He gave a nervous laugh, and then said, “Shut up!”
“Ok, let’s both go get it,” I said, and off we went.
When we returned to the door and shined the light down, it was pretty much like every other basement from our point of view, so we started inching our way down. The further down we got, the further that point of view started to change. The brick walls had been painted black on one side, and dark red on the other. There was a face painted on the black wall of a red devil, and a face of a black woman on the red wall. The floor was covered in debris, but you could see where the wood had been pulled up and sloppily laid back down over earth that had been turned. We stepped carefully as we made our way into the middle of the room.
“Get the matches out,” I told David. “I don’t want this flashlight going out while we’re down here.” He took them out and lit the candle that I held. I handed over the flashlight and kept the candle for myself.
“Have you ever seen anything like this?” David asked, shining the light around the room.
“Not even in movies,” I replied, moving my light in its own direction.
“This must be one of the alters,” I said as I walked up to what could have been mistaken for a fireplace, due to the flat stones assembled against the wall, reaching all the way to the ceiling. The closer I got, however, I could see it had a large flat stone on the top, about the size of a kitchen table, and what most would have thought was the opening to a fireplace, were actually the legs holding it up. Along the wall to the right of it, hung items that were at best indescribable, while other things left no room for doubt. Curved blades, large hooks, a tool that looked like a hand drill, and dried herbs – all of which were covered in cobwebs and layered in thick dust.
David stood at my side while our minds ran with the horror of what the objects could have been used for, when suddenly the basement door slammed shut. He grabbed me and I grabbed back. My candle hit the floor and the flashlight went out. Our hearts must have been beating at the same pace, because the only thing I could hear was one solid, loud pulsing in my ears, as I strained to hear something, anything.
“David, I have to get the candle,” I whispered.
I felt his body move as he nodded slowly, and we both bent down at the same time. We kept a hold of each other with one hand and felt around with the other. I picked up the candle and David picked up something else, because he said, “I have it.”
“You can’t have, I’ve got it.” He let out a scream, and then I heard something hit the wall.
“You okay?” I asked.
“Oh yeah! I just wet myself, and I can’t move, but I’m fine,” he replied breathing too hard.
“Then light this thing so we can get back to that door,” I demanded, ignoring his sarcasm. He dug the matches out in record time, and the candle was lit within seconds. We stayed together like we were glued at the hips, and right about the time we got close to the steps, we felt a gust of wind. A wind that was picking up, though there were no window, no opening at all that we could see and the door was shut. As brave as I thought I was, my blood turned cold when that air rushed up my back, blowing my hair around and into my face. Neither of us moved an inch.
“Please, please, please tell me you just felt that,” David whispered.
I swallowed the lump that had risen in my throat and replied with a simple, “Yep.”
We both stepped up at the same time and the wind got stronger.
“Run David, NOW!”
We were at the top before we knew it, hitting that door with everything we had, but it didn’t budge. Dirt, debris, and sounds of children screaming were bashing us from every direction, pushing our bodies against the door. Screams swallowed us, rushing in and out of our ears as the wind carried them by. While David fought futilely to pull the door open against the wind that held it shut, I turned and started back down those stairs with a thought in my mind that my mother had encased in me from birth.
“Where are you going?” David called out, still tugging on the knob. I didn’t answer. I was doing my best to keep my mouth from filling up with dirt, so I just kept my face covered and pushed my way past the flying onslaught of debris until I was at the bottom. I stood in the middle of that room and yelled to the top of my lungs: “You have no hold over me! I was bought by the blood of my Savior, now let us go!” and just as fast as it had started, the commotion stopped.
“David did you see… David?” I looked up, but the door was open and he was gone. I started laughing, and quickly ran up to join him. When I got clear of the door, it slammed shut behind me.
“You really pissed them off, Janie,” David said from the living room.
“We got out of the basement, didn’t we?”
“This is their house, and they didn’t do your God in here.”
No more had the words left his mouth, when the chair next to him floated into the air and came crashing toward my head. I dove out of the way as it crumbled into splinters against the wall. I looked up to see David crouched down with his hands over his head. I got up and ran to him, grabbed him by the wrist, pulled him to his feet and ran toward the back door, David screaming the entire time. The room around us started erupting: pictures flew off the wall at us as we ran past, doors were opening and slamming shut, and wood creaked throughout the house as if the house itself cried out in horrific pain.
The back door was solid; the thing was just like the one leading to the basement. I grabbed the chair by the table and pulled back to break the window, when it was yanked clean from my hands. I pushed David behind me, put my hand out in front of me and began speaking to the entities.
“You may have done some bad things to kids when you were alive, but we’re not afraid of you,” I said, never releasing the death grip I had on David’s hand.
“You will die!” a male voice yelled.
“Bring it on, you piece of crap!” I yelled back.
“You, seer of death, do not frighten me,” the voice proclaimed.
Everything in the kitchen began to vibrate. I looked over just in time to notice the hanging cutlery fly off the wall. I pushed David to the ground, but it was too late for me. I had just enough time to raise my hands, close my eyes and pray with my entire mind, body and spirit that those knives would go past me. Everything got very quiet, and I creaked open my eyes to see the blades floating midair, not half a foot from my face. I screamed and collapsed to the floor. I’m not sure how much time passed, but when I opened my eyes, David was there.
“You got the juice, Janie. How long have you known?”
“Two, maybe three seconds,” I said, still feeling my heart pound in my throat. “David, I’m not even sure what just happened.”
I picked myself up off the floor and walked over to the backdoor. I reached down, taking the doorknob in my hand. It turned freely and we walked out.
“What time is it?” I asked.
“I don’t know, I don’t have my watch on,” David replied and we both sat down on the back porch.
About that time, I heard a car gas up the drive, throwing gravel as it slid to a stop.
“Janie!” Tammy yelled from the side of the house.
“Back here,” I yelled back, and she and Robert, came flying around the corner.
“Are you okay?” Robert asked, looking as if he had seen a ghost.
I remembered I was wearing mine and looked down at it. “Has to be around two, I’d guess. Looks like my grandma’s watch didn’t make it after all,” I said, tapping the glass. “I’m sure Tammy and Robert will be coming soon. I really thought they would be here by now.”
“Yeah, why? What did you guys see on the monitors?”
“Uh… like everything! How the hell did you make those knives stop in midair like that?!” Robert asked.
“And why did it look like you were always talking to someone?” Tammy asked, with a pale tint to her face, which matched Robert’s.
“Slow down, you two,” I said, becoming confused. “David and I were talking to each other.”
“You’ve seen David?”
“Yeah, he’s been with me the whole time. David, would you tell them…” I said, turning to face him, but he was no longer behind me.
“He was just here, he must have gone back inside,” I said. I walked over to the back door and called out, “David! David, where’d you go?”
“Janie, we could see you the whole time, except when you were in the basement. David wasn’t with you,” Robert added, almost a little too serious.
“I don’t know what kind of game you guys are playing, but I just want to find David and go home. If you two have seen what kind of night we’ve been through, you wouldn’t be saying stupid stuff right now, so just help me look for David so we can go,” I said, heading into the house. They exchanged a glance, but that was that.
We gathered everything up, loaded it in the car, and I made them help me search the house one last time for David. By this time, I figured they were all playing a good trick on me, so I was just going to go along with it and pretend like David’s car hadn’t been parked down the street, and that he didn’t slip out and take off. Yeah right, whatever. I would have his butt next time I saw him, that was for sure.
We drove up into my driveway and I told Robert and Tammy that I would get all my stuff when I came over to see what we had caught on tape. I said my goodbyes and headed up to my house. When I reached for the door, it opened on its own, and my parents were standing on the other side. I just knew my butt was in trouble, because my dad never met me at the door unless I was in another deep mess.
“I can explain…” I said before Dad interrupted.
“Honey you need to come sit down, we need to have a talk.” Oh crap, I thought to myself. ‘Honey and ‘need to have a talk’ in the same breath is never a good sign. At this point, I was thinking it could range from “you’re off to boarding school” to “I think it’s best if you don’t hang around those types anymore.”
I sat down, waiting for whatever it was that was about to come my way. My mother sat down beside me and put her arm over my shoulder, and when I looked her in the face, she had tears in her eyes.
“What’s the matter, Mom?” I asked, suddenly realizing that this wasn’t one of ‘those’ talks. “Is it Gramma?”
“No baby, there’s been an accident,” she said with her brow furrowed. “Your dear friend David was killed last night.”
“But that’s not possible, Mom. David was with me until just about an hour ago,” I replied, watching my mother shake her head from side to side.
“Janie, this is real honey. David is no longer with us. His car crashed into a tree at about eight-thirty out on Country Club road,” she said, then paused for a minute. “Janie, were you out at Barker house?”
My eyes darted from my mom to my dad, wondering how they could have known. “Why…” I started.
“He had an antique watch clamped down in his hand. The name Barker was engraved on the back. Were you kids messing around out there?”
My heart dropped. There was no way they could have known about the watch, unless… I stood up and looked down at my mother. “Mom, David was with me all night. Does it really matter where we were?” I could already feel the tears burning my eyes.
My mom looked at my dad, then stood up and walked silently to the kitchen. I took her cue and went to my room without a word.
I laid in my bed as the sun came up, not answering the calls of my parents knocking at my door, pleading for me to let them in. I was too confused to listen to them right now. I slowly came to the conclusion that they were telling the truth, otherwise, how could they have known about the watch? And besides that, why would they lie about such a thing? I still didn’t want to talk though, because regardless of who believed me, David was there. I lay there and wondered about what had happened that night. Did David really die because he took that watch? Did he come back to take care of me, or was he drawn to the house because of the watch? I would like to think it was because of me, and maybe the next time I get myself in a fix he’ll show up to hold my hand. Also, I did something tonight that I will have to learn to control and develop. It might just come in handy next time I come across something as nasty as I did tonight.
“David, if you can hear me, thank you for coming back for me,” I said aloud, and as I drifted off to sleep, I heard a soft whisper in my ear: “You are most welcome.”
Conclusion:
Tammy, Robert and I stood together at David’s funeral. I had told them about everything and they believed me for more than one reason. The voice recorder had picked up several things that David had said to me while we were in the old house, but we decided as a group to keep that to ourselves for the sake of our David. We all know that he is still with us, me more than anyone.
David comes to me in my dreams and even when I’m awake, I think. We have a new place that we’re going to check out next month and we sure hope David’s there to back us up. I’m not sure if I’m doing this job for the sake of proving that the place is really haunted, or if I really want to see if my best friend is going to come and take on the scary things that jump out of the dark corners. It would sure be nice if he popped in at those times. I wouldn’t mind if he decided to hang around all the time. Who knows? With a group like us, tomorrow is just another adventure.
“The End”
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kem reviewed Version 1 -
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You are a good writer and the story was interesting; but I thing the story could use a bit more of an edge, and the teenagers should talk more like teenagers not adults.
I believe this story could be published as it is…
Send it around. I think you have a future as a writer.
Good luck,
Kem
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Curtastrophe reviewed Version 1 -
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I’d cut “massive”.
A suggestion, ”...different shrines overflowing…”
The opening chapter is very well done. It gives us the characters, the plot, and a short history of the Barker house. It doesn’t overstay its welcome and progress the story well. Good job.
“I watched the clock as the hands ticked..” What person in school hasn’t done this? Good observation.
”...haven’t found…” Word repetition – Perhaps “discovered:.
I like the obvious excitement of the kids as they’re unpacking the car and getting ready to set up in the house. This makes the reader feel excited too. The narrative does a good job of conveying their care-free (perhaps naive) happiness here.
we all ended up / we ended up
A suggestion, ”...proclaimed in his deep southern drawl…”
The narrative goes into “you” descriptions. I’d change that, but only because I’m prickly about using the word.
”...bouncing in shadows.” Nice description.
Halfway through the story we start getting spooky. I would’ve preferred it a bit earlier, but again that’s just me being prickly.
”...stubborn.” Period should be a comma.
““Get out of my house!.”” Perhaps instead, Janie could just hear a whisper but David swears he heard a woman’s voice saying the dialogue. We’re still building up the suspense and creepy factor here. The way it stands now, I think the bellowing voice is a bit premature.
ranted/explained/demanded… All of these could be replaced with a word that is almost invisible to the reader—said. For example, ““David, calm down!” I said, and planted my feet where I stood.” IMO the body language says, “demanded”.
stayed together like / together as if
futilely?
Whoah, the David “thing” is definitely creepy. Even creepier is the ending. He was never there at all? Or was that his spirit? It leaves some questions open, but that’s okay because each person will come away with a different conclusion. And I think that’s cool.
Criticisms aside, I really thought this was a great story. I held my attention throughout. It wasn’t of the “terrifying” caliber, but the kind that I remembered reading when I was around ten that really spooked me and ignited my imagination. Your technical skill as a writer shows through and even if it doesn’t get accepted to Weird Tales (Though I hope it does!), you shouldn’t have a problem finding another publication for it. Good luck!
-Curt
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