Thank you for your comments. Might I suggest you read some of the other chapters before you make your final opinion of this work.
Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / The Twelve Bloody Days of Christmas- Chapter 4
Monahan pulled the police issue black sedan up to the brownstone apartment. Considering the fact that there had just been a double murder in their neighborhood, few people were out looking to see what they could glean from each other about the situation. All the onlookers knew for sure was that a newly married couple had been killed. Both were young, new to the neighborhood and polite. Every thing else was left to their imaginations. The apartment was in a quiet neighborhood where there were many older residents and yuppie types. As the older residents passed on, the new tenants were younger and younger because of the rent control the city had placed on them. Most of the people here worked and were seldom home this early in the morning which could account for the absence of onlookers. The yellow police tape was hung within a twenty feet radius of the door. Uniform officers were making sure no one other than police personnel crossed the yellow barrier. They checked the I.D’s of all who wanted to enter and as they saw the two men approaching, they waved them through. Jake and Glen proceeded under the tape and into the building.
The brownstone was a single family dwelling, scarcely furnished with a coffee table and chairs in the living room that served for seating and eating. Most of these railroad apartments were 3-5 room dwellings, just big enough for one or two people and maybe a child. Jake could see why they were popular with newlyweds and singles. The walls of the apartment were void of pictures of any kind. In one of those chairs sat a older Jewish lady, crying into an already saturated tissue. At the sight of Jamison and Monahan, A young officer approached to fill them in on what was going on at the scene. After exchanging pleasantries, the officer was all business.
“We got the call from one of the victim’s mother around seven A.M. Seems that the couple had just been married a week and weren’t due to be back home until the day after tomorrow. She let herself in to wait on a delivery of furniture. The company that was to deliver it, said they had an opening and wanted to deliver it early so they called her to get in touch with the newlyweds. They being on their honeymoon and all, she took it upon herself to surprise them when they returned. She was going around opening all the windows to air out the apartment, and came across the two. All the windows and doors were locked from the inside.”
“Where are the bodies?”, asked Jamison keeping his tone of voice down.
“In the bedroom. All that’s in there is a small table and a bed.”
Monahan and Jamison started to walk toward the bedroom when the officer spoke up.
“Sirs. Jake and Glen’s head turned to look at the officer again. Their in the bed like their sleeping. You know, in each other’s arms. The ring fingers on both the left hands are missing with the rings placed together on the table next to the bed. That’s all I can tell you right now.”
The young man grew pale and started to sway slightly. Monahan put his hand on his elbow and escorted him to the door.
“Son.” “Go out and get some air for a few minutes OK?”
The officer was unable to speak and shook his head up and down in agreement. Monahan returned to Jamison’s side shaking his head.
“Rookies!” “I know they got to get their feet wet sometime, but damn, why do I always get stuck with the skittish ones? Thank God you never had a hard time with blood and guts. I’d of had to get me a new partner.” Monahan said as he slapped Jamison lightly on the back.
“Yeah.” “I’m sorry to say that stuff like that has never bothered me. That’s probably why me and Racheal never made it. She used to say I was a cold hearted bastard that didn’t have any feelings. You know, the job was my mistress since I didn’t have to feel to be with her.”
“I wouldn’t let that bother me son. In this business it pays not to wear your heart on your sleeve. Any sign of weakness, especially when you pull your gun will get you killed. It’s also probably why there’s a high divorce rate for us men in blue. Hang in there, you’ll find someone that can deal with it one of these days.”
“Thanks for the pep talk dad, but we need to get back to work.” Glen smiled at his partner as they entered to bedroom.
The crime scene was just as the officer had described it. The only piece of furniture in the room was a small table and a queen sized four poster bed in the center, with a green goose down comforter on it. The young couple were centered in the bed in each others arms. They were holding hands with their finger’s interlocking and had a slight smile on their faces. If Jamison hadn’t of known better, he would have sworn they were sleeping peacefully after a night of tender lovemaking. It was evident that both victims had their ring fingers on their left hands removed. The wedding rings were as the officer had stated, intertwined in a symbol of eternal togetherness. Now they would have that ‘til death part’ in there vows realized. Glen could see why the young rookie had a difficult time seeing the married couple this way. He felt like an interloper in their private love nest having interrupted a tender moment. There was no bruising noted, but both bodies were so pale, they were almost translucent in appearance. The only thing that was missing was blood. There was not a single drop on their skin, clothes or bed. Glen’s mind was filled with questions. How was that possible? As if reading his mind Monahan answered the question that Jamison subconsciously asked.
“It’s not possible.” said Jake. “No way could someone have killed these two and not have left at least one drop of blood!”
“I guess that’s why they thought we might be interested.” started Glen. “No blood, something missing from the victims and all the doors and windows locked from the inside. Just like the Partridge case.”
“But how could these two cases be connected?”, asked Jake.
“I’m not sure Jake.” But one thing I know for sure. We better find out!”
**
He sat on the floor in front of his tree humming quietly to himself. It’s coming along quite well he thought as a devilish grin took over his mouth revealing discolored, missing and jagged teeth. Soon he would enjoy the sight of all of it’s branches full. Not now though. Now he had to rest and meditate about his next acquisitions. The more he aquired, the more he would need all his strengh. His treasures were his reward for a job well done. His would indeed be a beautiful tree.
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SwordMistress reviewed Version 5 -
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I enjoyed this chapter. The case gets more intriguing as the story progresses. I wish the chapters were longer so I could get more of the story at each review. I liked how you ended with the bad guy. It’s effective in making the reader want to continue. I only saw a couple minor errors and one thing for you to think about. I look forward to reading more.
“Son.” “Go You don’t need the extra quotes.
“Yeah.” “I’m” You don’t need the extra quotes.
“That’s probably why me and Racheal never made it.” Rachael is “ael” This seems like on odd place for him to bring up his ex. Almost as if it’s only here to relay this information.
“connected?”, you don’t need the comma
I really liked the ending and am anxious for Monahan and Jamison to solve the case! The villain is very intriguing. You do a great job of occasionally give us clues to what he is like (or at least who we assume is the killer at this point.)
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LenR reviewed Version 5 -
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It’s not my genre, but it seems to have too much telling and not enough of the story telling itself. And, what is with the name: Jake? It’s one first name that puts me off, because I’ve seen it too much in detective novels. If “Jake” was a woman, that would be novel.
AVRP reviewed Version 4 -
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Wow. I read chapter 3 and it gets curiouser and curioser. I have never really read a murder mystery.
i must say you do very well, however, perhaps a little more ‘time age setting’ may be in order. Is this the 60s, the age of the PI and film noir? Or is this modern era? I am not too sure although I am guessing 60s (Not many people use hankerchiefs these days.)
HopelessRomantic reviewed Version 4 -
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This was very interesting. I followed it well seeing as I haven’t read any other chapters. It drew me in and kept my attention. It got me thinking, too, how the killer could have gotten rid of the couple without shedding a single drop of blood. Totally inthrawling. Now I need to go read the other chapters. Amazing work! _
JANET69 reviewed Version 4 -
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I always love a good crime story now and then.
Though I have just jumped in, I can pretty much sum up what’s already happened (so I hope!) It’s quite good, and it intrigues me, but I believe if you wish to have this published than you should definitely shape certain parts up, make them more “professional.” There’s some grammatical errors, missing punctuation, etc.
tjewing reviewed Version 4 -
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This is a good chapter. There was good suspense, and it wanted me to read chapter five. This is the first chapter I read. If I read the first three, I’d probably be even more interested. How could they be killed with no drop of blood? It sounds like my professional assassin in my “Killer Machine” manuscript. He could pull it off…somehow.
“I’m not sure Jake.” A comma should go between sure and Jake. I noticed that kind of stuff throughout the chapter. I know it’s probably your first draft, but I thought I’d bring it to your attention. Good luck with it! God bless! Todd Ewing
KimmyKatt reviewed Version 4 -
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Very nice set-up here. I like it. There were a few grammar issues but if you read it out loud those should jump out at you. I like the detail about the residence. You’ve done well setting up the reader visually.
One question, no blood? Is there an ice truck involved?
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 3 -
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You’ve got quite a talent, I can tell you that. The descriptive language is excellent, as it was in Chapter 2 which I read awhile back. Unfortunately, Chapters 1 and 3 did not come up on the review queue when I was reviewing. You kept my interest throughout and made me want to go back and read the others I missed. There are a few grammatical errors that need to be touched upon, such as “sight of all of it’s branches” where you’re using the contractional form of “it is” when you actually mean the possessive form, which is spelled “its”. Yeah, I know it doesn’t follow the rule, but that’s just the way it is.
While you might have other ideas, it just seems to me that the conversation between the detectives needs to be more in the jargon of police detectives, sort of like in CSI. Your detectives are rather lackadaisical, almost like regular people looking on the scene of the crime. I’m also not seeing much of a different character in either Jake or Glen, meaning that you could have either of them speaking the other’s lines and it wouldn’t matter a jot. Your villain, however, is freakishly individual and unique. Is there or was there such a serial killer?
CallmeJane reviewed Version 1 -
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Thank goodness the shaking can stop! Those withdrawls are killer! Love the story, and yes, I think that you are staying on track with this. There are different points throughout the story where Monahan and Jamison’s names are spelt differently, but other than that I didn’t see anything wrong with this. I’m looking forward to finding out how the killer never leaves any blood around, but even more importantly, who the killer is! Keep up the great work.
-Jane
paigemc reviewed Version 1 -
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In the first sentence you call it a brownstone apartment. A little bit later you refer to the brownstone as a ‘single family dwelling.’
All they knew for sure --- who is the “they” in this sentence? Is it the two police detectives or the people gathered on the street?
Okay- now rereading this and the next few sentences- it seems the POV shifts between what the detectives know/feel/believe and what the neighbors know/feel/believe. By using “they”, the reader (or at least me, the reader) doesn’t now which “they” your are referring to.
In that paragraph, there might be more showing if you had the uniforned police officers checking identification to make sure only residents entered the building. Or perhaps described the neighborhood as one of those becoming gentrified and populated by older couples who never moved out and yuppies who had moved in.
I think the conversation between the detectives--needs more police polish. The explanation by the uniform to the detectives is a bit long and meandering. Should be a simple- “That’s the female vic’s mother. Couple are supposed to be on their honeymoon. Mom came by to let in the furniture delivery people. Everything was locked up. She opened some windows to air the place out and found them in the bedroom.”
Then the banter between the two detectives---needs to be a bit more intense, looking at the entire scene of the crime, describing the couple in bed without reading “feelings” into it (by feeling, I mean things like sleeping peacefully after a night of tender love-making)-—keep it to the facts, descriptive, investigative facts. The detectives can discuss body positioning, skin color, bruising, bleeding or lack of blood on the bodies, etc, but do it in a very non-melodramatic descriptive manner.
Watch some Law and Order or some CSI and get a feel for police dialogue.
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