Crime, Thrillers & Mystery / Drive-By Shooters (Analysis)

Okay poem considering the limitations an acrostic poem presents. Diction could be stronger though. Line one: is it really death that drive-by shooters aim for or is it terror? If people are dead there is no one to fear them, which is what they want as they view it as respect. Retaliation may better be replaced with repercussion. Also the third line is statistically untrue. Drive-by shooters are not terrorists, they have an intended target.

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May 29, 2008

by roziez

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No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	100.0% (3 votes)	100.0%

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48	F	Fresno, CA	May 29

no, no and no…
1. it is death they are trying to reach, because someone from their side got hit.
2. drive-by shooters period are failers.
3. i never said anything about them being terrorists, but, you say they have an intended target but yet so many innocent people who most of the time have nothing to do with gangs are killed being at the wrong place and time.

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This is a good piece with a good gimmick, but it’s really in the wrong category.  It should really be in poetry.  It’s good imagery and description, and the way you wrote it grasps the attention.  It’s also a sensitive subject, and many readers can connect with it.  
‘Erase’ not ‘erace.
I understand why you wrote the last line as you did, but it really throws off the rest of the piece, so I would consider re-writing this piece with D-R-I-V-E B-Y S-H-O-O-T-I-N-G-S because you will have an even number of lines, instead of odd.  You won’t need to add an extra line and change the flow of poetry you’d begun with.  
Overall, a good piece with a message that resonates.

Never was a fan of these kind of poems but good message. Its a shame how bad things are with the gang lifestyle

This is a poem – not crime, thriller or mystery.

The last line is WAAAAYYYY too long.

You have spelling and grammar errors – Erase, vendettas, etc…

Get rid of the hyphens.

Concentrate your lines, get rid of extra unnecessary words or phrases like: they think.  Also remove the “to be” verbs by using more descriptive verbs that draw better pictures.

You have too many commas – many of which is not needed – like those in the second verse.  I would edit most of those out whenever possible.

Good luck.

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May 29, 2008

by roziez

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
7	100.0% (3 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
48	F	Fresno, CA	May 29

thank you for helping me straighten my poetry out…i know it is not crime, thriller or mystery…i just tried to put it in a crime area…because it delt with drive-bys. and the hyphens were to help readers notice the acronym….well thanks so much for the input…...i would greatly appreciate if you could read my other poems you have a to the point review and i do appreciate it.

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Creative, but just the way it looks makes me think poetry, but thats just the build. There were a few small mistakes, but it was entertaining.

I thought this was pretty interesting and quite good. Something that probably could be posted in the hall at an alternative school(for troubled teens) to give them something to think about. Nicely done.