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Short Story / Cynthia (Analysis)
It was the fourth of July, and Cynthia sighed as she walked up the sidewalk. Nothing could make this a good day. She was expected to run the family grocery store, the same thing she had done every weekend and afternoon since she turned fifteen. Holidays were nothing more than a footnote on the calendar. The walk from the apartment to the store was a short one, but her feet felt like bricks by the time she reached the metal gate that protected the windows overnight. All around her, the street was overcast and empty of life. No one else was out this early on a holiday. She dug a large ring of keys out of the pocket of her jeans and sorted through them. “First the gate, before I’m awake.” She chanted to herself as she unfastened the padlock and struggled to raise the unwieldy thing. “Now open the door, or we’ll be poor.” A second key made short work of the front door lock and a shrill bird-like chirping announced her presence as the door swung open. She looked at the security panel on the wall, just inside the door and completed her rhyme while pressing buttons to the rhythm. “Press twelve thirteen tops, or you’ll face the cops!” The security bird fell silent, and Cynthia rushed to the counter to turn on the lights. She hated walking through the store when it was dark and silent. Row by row, the florescent bulbs flashed on above her head and the store went from cold and lifeless to warm and welcoming in a matter of seconds.
Outside, people were poking their heads out of dusty buildings like turtles waking up to the morning rays. The sun peeked over the top of the tallest building on the block, and did its best to cook away the little bit of dew that had gathered overnight. It was almost time to open. Cynthia counted the register and dusted the countertop with a practiced hand. Then she walked to the front door and started to drag the heavy “Sale Today!” sign out to the sidewalk. It was a tricky feat, requiring her to prop the door open with her hip while maneuvering the wooden monstrosity across the threshold. Usually, she managed to guide it through on the first try, but today wasn’t a usual day. It was a holiday. The sign shifted and tipped in her hands and crashed to the floor cracking one of its legs. When she leaned over to pick it up, the door took advantage of her precarious balance and pushed her to the ground. It was that moment, when Cynthia was sprawled on the ground with the sale sign beneath her, that her step-mother chose to arrive.
“Why are you laying around like a lazy dog? And the store isn’t even open yet! How can we make enough money to feed and clothe the family if you don’t do your share?” Cynthia’s step-mother was a large woman, as tall as any man with a voice to match. She stepped over Cynthia and put her hands on her hips, a posture her step-daughter knew only too well. “Look what you’ve done to the beautiful sign your brother made! I was counting on that to double our business today, and you’ve ruined it. You are good for nothing! I don’t know why I ever trusted you to open the store!” Cynthia stood up and brushed dust off her jeans and t-shirt.
“I’m sorry, mother. I’ll be more careful next time.” Those words felt like lemon juice on her tongue, but she knew no excuse would pacify her step-mother. “If you would be so kind as to hold the door for me, I’ll move the sign outside so the customers can see it.”
“I have more important things to do than hold doors for lazy children!” screeched her step-mother. “Take care of the problem, and be sure to dust the shelves. They look terrible!” She turned and stalked towards the back of the store. Cynthia waited until she heard the office door slam shut, and then turned back to the heavy sign.
“It’s a beautiful day out there,” she said to the sign. “Wouldn’t you rather be outside where you can enjoy the sun and watch the people pass by?” The sale sign creaked and settled to the floor, as if it were giving her permission to move it. But the door had other plans. The normally complacent door turned downright difficult when she tried to move the sign through. Cynthia tried to prop it open with a stone, and the door swung closed kicking the stone into the street. She tried using her hip to hold it open again, but the door reached out and caught a passing breeze slamming itself shut and tumbling her onto the sidewalk.
“Can I give you a hand?” a warm voice asked. Cynthia looked over her shoulder and saw a pair of clean white tennis shoes and neatly pressed jeans. Quickly she shifted to her knees and stood up. She knew those shoes, almost as well as she knew that voice. It was Aaron, the best-looking boy in the whole school.
“That would be great,” she said quietly. “Could you hold the door open for me?” Aaron shoved the door open and held it ajar as she pulled the sign onto the sidewalk. Her next words were so soft he had to lean forward to hear them. “Thank you, Aaron. Was there anything you needed in the store today?”
He chuckled and pulled a list from his pocket. “Only about a million things. Mom is throwing together a picnic for the fireworks show tonight, and she sent me to buy the missing ingredients.”
Cynthia took the list from him and replied, “I’m sure we have everything she’s written here. Let me get it together for you.” She dashed into the store, grabbed a basket and started tossing things in, all the while listening to the little voice chiming in her head. Aaron is in my store! Talking to me! She was so engrossed in her project, she almost missed his question.
“Are you going to the fireworks show? I heard it’s going to be the best one yet.” She peeked around the shelves and saw him leaning back on the counter, thumbing through a magazine.
“Yes…um…no….I mean, I don’t know,” she stammered and moved quickly behind the counter to ring up his purchase. He flashed her his famous Aaron smile.
“You don’t sound too sure. Mom always makes too much food for these picnics, and she told me to invite a few extra people to join us. I think it would be nice if you came along.” Cynthia dropped the jar of relish she was holding and watched in horror as it hit the floor and exploded as only a glass jar can.
“Oh my!” she cried, and felt her face warm as she looked up at Aaron. He smiled at her and reached across the counter to pat her arm.
“No worries, kiddo! I don’t like relish that much anyway.” Cynthia put the rest of the purchases into a bag and gave him his total. He pulled a credit card out of his pocket and slid it through the reader on the counter in one smooth motion. Two minutes later, he was strolling towards the door with his bag and receipt in hand. He looked back over his shoulder as he reached the door and said, “Don’t forget. Picnic tonight in the park. We always sit next to the statue.” Then he was gone.
Cynthia stood there, with relish on her shoes, trying to comprehend what had happened. “He just asked me out,” she murmured to herself. Then she squeaked in a louder voice, “Aaron just asked me out!” A noise from the office brought her back to her senses, and she rushed to the closet for cleaning supplies. A broom and dustpan were sufficient for scraping up the glass and pickle pieces, but the relish left behind a large stain on the well-worn carpet behind the counter. Singing softly to herself, Cynthia returned to the closet and pulled out the hand brush and bucket. “A little soap and a little scrub will get the pickles off the rug.” This did not, however, prove to be true. The stain on the rug was resistant to all of her scrubbing. It even looked as if was getting bigger!
The door bell chirped and Cynthia jumped up to help whoever walked in, but there was no one there. Confused, she leaned over the counter for a better look at the door, and jumped back in surprise when a large brown shape jumped up and licked her nose. The smell of relish and soap brought her to her senses in time to hear the door ring a second time, and the sound of someone laughing uncontrollably. A boy with dark curly brown hair, glasses and an obnoxious smile looked at her from the other side of the counter. “I guess you met Charlie.” He said, trying to control his chuckles.
Cynthia climbed to her feet for the third time that day, and glared at the newcomer. “Greg! I should have known it was you!” She said. “I can’t believe you did that to me!” Greg’s smile slid from his face, and he looked down at the floor.
“Sorry ‘Tia. I saw that the store was empty and couldn’t resist.” He leaned over the counter and sniffed at her, “Why do I smell pickles?”
Giggles are funny things. The more you try to hold them back, the stronger they become. Cynthia discovered this when Greg asked about the pickles. A single giggle slipped out, and was soon joined by a cascade of its friends. Her anger dissolved under the flow of merriment. “It’s a long story,” she said while walking around the counter. Charlie leaned against her, drooling on her shoe while she scratched his head. “He’s wonderful Greg! Where did you get him?”
Greg moved closer to help with job of ear scratching. “Dad brought him home the other day. He’s been hanging around the construction site these past few weeks. They finished up the job, and Dad didn’t want to leave Charlie on his own so he adopted him.”
Cynthia’s smile drifted away when she saw Greg’s expression. It took her a moment to realize the true message behind his words. “Has your father found another job yet?” She asked, already knowing the answer.
“Nothing’s come up yet.” Greg turned away from Charlie and leaned against the counter. “ Some of the guys he works with mentioned that Wilkerson is supposed to have a big job coming up in the next month or so, but I don‘t think that Dad wants to work for that guy.”
“Wilkerson?” Cynthia asked, “As in Aaron Wilkerson?”
“Yeah, that’s the one.” Greg answered, “It isn’t enough that he makes straight A’s and all the girls swoon when he walks past. He has to be the only child of the richest guy in town too.” It was obvious that Greg wasn’t one of Aaron’s biggest fans, but Cynthia had to share her good news with someone.
“He was in the store this morning….Aaron I mean, and he asked me to go to the fireworks show tonight!” She couldn’t hold back the excitement in her voice. Greg walked to the door and looked through at the people on the sidewalk.
“I guess you plan on going then.” He said with a small sigh. “I don’t know if I like the Wilkersons ’Tia. That big job I told you about? Well, Aaron’s dad is buying up all the businesses in the area. He’s planning on putting in some sort of super-store.” Cynthia jumped to Aaron’s defense.
“That doesn’t sound like such a terrible thing,” she said. “Especially if it gets some work for your dad.” Greg turned around and shrugged his shoulders in defeat.
“I guess it’s just a rumor anyway. What time are you heading over to the park?” Cynthia opened her mouth to answer, but a loud voice behind her shoulder interrupted her.
. “Cynthia! How many customers have we had today?” She turned around to see her step-mother standing outside the office.
“Only a few. It’s been very quiet today.” Her step-mother stalked behind the counter and looked at the single receipt.
“This is unacceptable Cynthia! Have you even tried to sell anything, or are you too busy talking to your little friend?” She glanced down at the rug, “What happened here?” Cynthia lowered her head.
“I dropped a jar of relish. I was in the middle of cleaning it up when Greg got here.” Her step-mother took a deep breath and looked over at Greg.
“It’s time for you to leave. Cynthia has work to do.”
“Yes Mrs. Clark.” He collected Charlie and moved towards the door, but not before sneaking a wink at Cynthia. She knew he would be back soon. Cynthia put on her meekest expression and asked the question that was burning a hole in her tongue.
“Mother, could I leave early and go to the fireworks show? Aaron Wilkerson was in here earlier, and…..” Her step-mother’s voice jumped two decibels.
“No! You can’t leave early! It’s your turn to cover the store today, and there’s no way you’re leaving until you take care of the stain on that rug.” Without another word, she turned and marched back to the office, slamming the door behind her. Cynthia took a deep breath and counted to ten before moving back behind the counter.
“It’s only a date, you could just show up late.” She murmured to herself while scrubbing the floor. The sound of the door bell intruded, drawing her to her feet once again. This time Charlie sat on the sidewalk outside, and Greg greeted her when she stood up.
“I waited till she went to the back.” He said, “Did you ask her about the fireworks?” Cynthia nodded her head, and then dropped to her knees and continued to scrub the pickle stain.
“She said I couldn’t go. I have to watch the store.” Greg leaned over the counter.
“Well, how about this….I’ll cover the store for you after she leaves so you can go.” Cynthia sprang to her feet and ran around the counter to give him a hug.
“Do you mean it? You won’t mind? I promise not to be gone very long!” Greg pulled away from her, laughing.
“I mean it. I’ve gotta take Charlie home, but I’ll be back later.” He glanced back toward the office door, “I’d better go before she comes back out. See ya later!” The door bell chirped one more time, and he was gone.
With a light heart, Cynthia skipped back around the counter to work on the stain. Everything is perfect. She thought to herself. Glancing at the clock, she saw that it was well into the afternoon, past time for her step-mother to be leaving. Cynthia walked to the office door and tapped on it lightly. “Come in!” her step-mother‘s voice caused the door to shake on its hinges. The office was filled with stacks of paperwork, and her step-mother sat at the desk, frantically counting and recounting receipts.
“Is there anything I can help with before you go?“ Cynthia asked. Her step-mother sighed heavily and dropped her head onto the desk.
“Not unless you can triple our business in the next few days.” She lifted her head, “Cynthia, we’re too far behind on bills. If business doesn’t improve, we’ll have to close the store.” Cynthia never liked working at the store, but she knew how devastating losing the business would be for her family.
“Don’t worry mother!” She said fiercely, “I’ll keep the store open an extra hour today. I’m sure we will get some extra business from the fireworks show.” Her step-mother stood up and walked over to Cynthia.
“I’m sorry I’ve been such a beast lately. I’ve been so worried about money lately….and, I’ve been taking my stress out on you.” She looked at the clock on the wall and gasped. “I didn’t realize it was so late! I have to run home and start dinner. Would you like me to bring something back for you?” Cynthia shook her head and gave her step-mother a hug.
“I’ll be fine. I can mark something out of stock if I get hungry.” Cynthia helped her step-mother organize the office and watched as she left the store. This was turning out to be such a strange day! The next few hours went by quickly. Cynthia passed the time serving the few customers that came in and scrubbing at that stubborn pickle stain. Gradually, the light began to dim outside the store. The fireworks show was creeping closer and closer, but Greg hadn’t shown up yet!
Cynthia ducked into the office and looked at herself in the small mirror hanging on the wall. An unremarkable girl stared back at her. Black hair framing a heart shaped face with grey eyes. She took the mirror off the wall and propped in on the desk in an attempt to see her whole body. The t-shirt she had put on that morning was crinkled and had a pickle juice stain on the hem, and her jeans were even less presentable. She sang softly to herself, “I look too messy to go, to that lovely fireworks show.” The door bell chirped. Greg was standing at the counter holding several bags when she walked out of the office.
“I’m baaaaack.” He crooned at her.
“Thank you for coming Greg, but I don’t think I’m going to go to the picnic.” Cynthia said. “I look horrible, and there’s no way I can sneak into my house to change without someone in my family seeing me. Greg laughed and tossed one of the bags at her.
“Then it’s a good thing I brought this along!” She caught the back awkwardly and peeked inside to see a bright yellow sundress. Greg responded to her questioning glance, “It belongs to my older sister Lisle. She won’t mind if you borrow it for one evening.” Grinning from ear to ear, Cynthia rushed back to the office to change. A few moments later, she popped back out. The sundress fit her perfectly! She spun in a circle, modeling the final result for Greg. Tapping his finger on his chin he said, “Something isn’t quite right.” Cynthia followed his eyes to her feet and blushed.
“I know. My tennis shoes look terrible with this dress, but they will have to do.” Greg reached into another bag, pulling out a pair of silver sandals.
“Or, you could try these on.” Cynthia couldn’t believe her luck! She threw herself at Greg for a big hug and then quickly changed her shoes. “Now, you’re ready to go.” He held his arm out and escorted her to the door. “Have fun, but don’t stay gone too long. I have to be back home before curfew.”
“Are you sure you don’t mind?” asked Cynthia.
“Not at all. I’ll sell everything in the store before you get back. I’ll also take care of that pickle stain behind the counter!” Cynthia gave him another hug and ran out the door.
The park was dark and crowded by the time Cynthia arrived. She slipped through the throng of people, making her way to the statue at the center. “Aaron?“ she called searching for a familiar face.
“Well, if it isn’t Cindie!“ A sharp voice cried out next to her. Cynthia turned and recognized two girls from school, Starla and Kylie Sloadel. The Sloadel sisters were infamous at school. Kylie was in the same grade level as Cynthia, and Starla was a year ahead of them. Starla was also part of Aaron’s ‘group’ on campus. “It sounds like she is trying to find someone. Who are you looking for little Cindie?“ Starla asked her rudely.
“I’m trying to find Aaron. He invited me to the picnic this morning.“ Cynthia replied. Kylie and Starla laughed, holding their sides as if they had heard the best joke in the universe.
“He invited you?“ Kylie asked. “I highly doubt that.” Starla stepped up to Cynthia and poked her in the shoulder with a single finger.
“I think you’d better leave before we tell him that you crashed the party!” Cynthia leaned back from the offending finger and just as she was about to reply a familiar voice spoke over her shoulder.
“She’s here because I asked her to come.” Aaron stepped up next to Cynthia and draped his arm over her shoulders. “However, I don’t recall inviting you two.” Starla’s face turned bright red, and she stalked off with Kylie close on her heels. Aaron stepped in front of Cynthia and smiled down at her. “I’m so glad you made it. Want to take a stroll?” Her heart skipped around in her chest searching for a place to hide, and all she managed was a quick nod.
They walked to the edge of the park and found an unoccupied bench. “How was business today?“ He asked, “Did you sell any relish?“ Cynthia giggled.
“No, and I didn’t drop any more either. It wasn’t busy at all today. In fact, I only had two or three customers after you left this morning.” Aaron took her hand and leaned towards her with a concerned look on his face.
“Is that normal? How can your family keep the store open if you don’t have any customers?” His interest was flattering and took away her reluctance to speak.
“It’s been like this for at least a year now. My step-mother told me today that we may have to close the store. I don’t know what we will do if that happens. I guess Dad will have to go back into construction…..” Cynthia suddenly realized that Aaron was no longer listening to her. “Aaron?” She asked, “Is everything ok?” He focused his attention back on her and smiled.
“Everything is fine Cynthia. Did your step-mother mention when your family would sell the store?” Warning flags flew to attention in Cynthia’s mind.
“No she didn’t, why do you ask?” He dropped her hand and slid his arm back around her shoulders.
“No reason kid. It’s just my dad you see, he’s buying up all the businesses on that street so he can build his own store. He won’t have to pay as much for your family’s store if he waits until you go out of business. Check it out! The fireworks are starting.” Cynthia jumped to her feet, surprised by what she had heard and ashamed by what she had said. Aaron lounged on the bench and looked up at her, “Going somewhere?” he asked with his poisoned grin. Cynthia couldn’t think of any appropriate parting words, and simply turned her back on him.
Cynthia felt like it took hours to shove her way through the crowd, and caught a brief glimpse of Starla and Kylie on her way out. They both had knowing smiles plastered across their faces. Fireworks flashed behind her as she ran back to towards the store. A particularly loud BANG caused her to look back over her shoulder, and she tripped on the curb landing painfully on her knees. Quickly, she stood and examined her borrowed dress. The sidewalk had shown no mercy, staining and ripping the beautiful yellow skirt. Trying to hold back her tears, Cynthia resumed her walk to the store only to realize that one of the straps on her right sandal had broken and the shoe refused to stay on her foot. “It’s only what I deserve.” She said to herself and limped down the sidewalk.
Back at the store a cheery sight greeted her. Ten customers stood in line, their arms filled with purchases, and Greg worked frantically behind the counter ringing them up. Amazed, Cynthia paused in the doorway for a moment, and then rushed behind the counter to help. “Welcome back!” cried Greg as she put the customer’s items in a bag.
“What’s going on?” She asked, rushing to get more bags while the next customer stepped up. Greg grinned at her.
“I’ll tell ya in a minute.” They were perfectly matched, ringing, bagging and taking care of every customer in line. Suddenly, Cynthia’s step mother stepped out from the office.
“I’ll take it from here.” She said, “You two deserve a break!” Greg grabbed Cynthia’s hand and pulled her into the office. Once inside, he flung himself into the office chair and let out a huge sigh,
“I’m exhausted.” He said, “I don’t know how you manage to do this every day!”
“But I don’t!” Cynthia replied, “I’ve never seen the store this busy before, what happened after I left? Why didn’t my step-mom say anything about me being gone?” Greg, grinned up at Cynthia
“Remember that pickle stain?“
“Yes.“
“Well, I brought in this powder that my mom makes. She uses it to clean up around our place, and always tells me that it’s the only thing that will take a stain out of a rug. I was cleaning up the stain when Mrs. Barnowski came in to get some sodas. She was so impressed by the powder that she bought some for her own place. Well, apparently she told a couple of her friends and the next thing I knew all these ladies were coming in looking for the powder. Then they started to buy other stuff. I called your step-mom in and explained the whole thing to her. She was thrilled! My mom is coming in a little later to work out the commission details on her cleaning powder.” Cynthia listened to his explanation with a look of disbelief, then shock, then excitement.
“This is wonderful!” She cried. “Now we won’t have to sell the store, and your family will have another income!” Greg laughed.
“Now tell me your good news ’Tia.” He demanded. “How did the date go?” His question brought her back down to earth.
“It isn’t such good news.” She wrapped her arms around herself, “Aaron is such a jerk! He just wanted me to give him information about the store so it would be easier for his dad to buy it!” Greg stood up and walked over to Cynthia.
“Is that all?” He asked with a smile, “Don’t let him ruin another minute of your day! The store is safe now, and you don’t have to talk to him again.” Cynthia looked down at her dress.
“That’s not the worst of it. I tripped on the way home and ruined your sister’s dress and sandals.” Greg took a step back and appraised the damage.
“No worries ’Tia! My mom’s powder will take the stain off, and the rip is easily mended.” Cynthia couldn’t believe it was that easy.
“But the sandals,” she said, “ they’re ruined.” Greg took Cynthia’s hand and guided her to the desk where he motioned her to sit down. Then he rummaged in the drawer of the desk for a moment before pulling out a roll of duct tape and a pair of scissors.
“Nothing that duct tape can’t fix!” He said, mending the strap and putting the sandal back on her foot.
“I can’t return these to your sister in this condition.” Cynthia said insistently. She watched while Greg put the tape away, his face growing pink under her scrutiny.
“There’s no need to return them,” he said, “ I bought them for you.” All at once, Cynthia realized that Greg had become something more then just her best friend. She reached out to him and when their lips met she knew that this was the best holiday she had ever known.
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GillBranion reviewed Version 2 -
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Fido reviewed Version 2 -
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The ending needed a little more description than “she realized he was more than her best friend”. The chemistry between the two of them wasn’t real enough to begin with so a sentence to bring it full circle isn’t exactly enough. I’m sorry to tell you but this type of story is basically beaten to death. Girl likes popular guy, best friend likes girl, popular guy ends up being an a$$hole, girl realizes she loves her best friend. That’s not to say that this wasn’t well written and entertaining. Your talent doesn’t quite make up for a slight lack of originality, but to answer your question you did get the dialogue right and I’d say this would appeal to ages 10-14.
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Evilfashionista reviewed Version 2 -
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Well this is story that would do well with a younger reader. Im thinking in the tweens (11-13). I thought the story was well written. And the diaolge was easy to follow. But I would change how you desricbe what aaron look likes this might help the reader know why he so good looking. And also would change what Charlie nickname for Cynthia it seemed to inpersonal for them. You would think that he would call her something that no one would get since he likes her way more than a friend.
but_a_flower reviewed Version 2 -
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Your method of describing characters is very good. Cynthia seems like a really
sweet girl. And you set the tone for your story well. good work.
guild reviewed Version 2 -
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I was very impressed with your story idea and the outcome of the story.
I really don’t see any need for improvement or changes that need to be made.
The age range should be teen.
I gave perfect scores on all of your ratings.
Really enjoyed it,
Rhonda
FreeStylz reviewed Version 2 -
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Its a very good twisted cinderella story. I’ve always liked how the best frined has always been there from the start and the main character doesn’t know it till the end. Overall it was a great story.
Kerry_Lee reviewed Version 2 -
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Loved this modern day cinders story.I’d say it could be for 12years up, unless you made the 2girls or Aron gay.only noticed on page9 step mum says lately in 2 sentences next to each other. it stopped the flow. well done!x
bmaki reviewed Version 2 -
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I liked the story in itself, but it seems a little simplistic to me. Some of the details dont ring true. The step mother, if she is really nice, would not say those horrible things no matter how stressed out she is. And if she’s really that mean, she wouldnt get over the fact that Cynthia left the store to someone else without permission, no matter how great the miracle powder was. Greg is too good to be true. He watches the store, buys her a dress and sandals, brings miracle cleaning powder, and charms the stepmother all in one day! I know its a short story, but the ending is too perfect and neat. These are just my impressions. I think its a great story, its just a little short on realism. Of course its been a long time since I was 12 (the age group I think this story is suited for)-maybe all the happy solutions are appropriate for this age group. I would like to read it again if you decide to change anything. Good Luck with it!
mbdew22 reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow! You are a phenominal writer!! I am thinking the age should be for 12-16. The dialouge format is good but when you have dialouge after a statement or non dialouge phrase, start a new paragraph with the new dialouge. For example, you wrote:
“Why are you laying around like a lazy dog? And the store isn’t even open yet! How can we make enough money to feed and clothe the family if you don’t do your share?” Cynthia’s step-mother was a large woman, as tall as any man with a voice to match. She stepped over Cynthia and put her hands on her hips, a posture her step-daughter knew only too well. “Look what you’ve done to the beautiful sign your brother made! I was counting on that to double our business today, and you’ve ruined it. You are good for nothing! I don’t know why I ever trusted you to open the store!” Cynthia stood up and brushed dust off her jeans and t-shirt.
It should be:
“Why are you laying around like a lazy dog? And the store isn’t even open yet! How can we make enough money to feed and clothe the family if you don’t do your share?” Cynthia’s step-mother was a large woman, as tall as any man with a voice to match. She stepped over Cynthia and put her hands on her hips, a posture her step-daughter knew only too well.
“Look what you’ve done to the beautiful sign your brother made! I was counting on that to double our business today, and you’ve ruined it. You are good for nothing! I don’t know why I ever trusted you to open the store!” Cynthia stood up and brushed dust off her jeans and t-shirt.
your way works this is just another way you can present it.
lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 1 -
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lovveed the imagery of her sneakers kissing the pavement. very clever. immediately you capture cynthia’s drudgery to go to work, especially on a holiday, and her step mothers unfairness. with the mention of hunter, you’ve narrowed down cynthias age almost exactly and the scene is cute, with her dropping the relish and all. the line “best looking boy in the whole school” is a bit cliched. perhaps being more descriptive and original would eliminate this. the fact that he says kiddo makes me question his age, is he older? i’m not sure i like the ending too much, the stain seems as if its about to become ominous with her mean stepmother and all, but then it just ends. then again, the notes say it is a work in progress so i trust it will grow at the end.
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