Yes! It flows so much better doing that and I will rework the last line of the first stanza.
Great observation and I can’t believe I never noticed that myself.
I’m glad you liked it and thanks so much!
Ravenn
Poetry / Late Night Date
Beloved you are mine
until the end of time.
Your whisper faint upon my ear,
I held you close, calming fear
promising eternity divine.
Dearest darling now so dead
dripping drops of red
drape across your face,
eternal love is grace –
unfortunately, I prefer you dead.
A horrid thing to do,
I should not have lied to you.
Such an easy mark
walking alone in the dark,
alas, what could this girl do?
Except drop you to the ground,
silent now, I search around.
In the air, your heady scent hangs
impatiently tongue flicks over fangs.
Here’s hoping for “date victim” two.
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Lena17 reviewed Version 5 -
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Kerry_Lee reviewed Version 4 -
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Cool and not what I expected until later in.I liked it.x
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AVRP reviewed Version 4 -
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I think in the first stanza, the fourth line should end on ‘fear’. It will rhyme better and look much better to the eye. A very good, slightly chilling peice though. Good writing.
MellowPathetic reviewed Version 4 -
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I am in awe at this. It’s so beautfully morbid and morbidly beautiful. I like how in the first stanza, it seems like a love poem, then as soon as the second stanza begins, “BAM!” it’s a work of art. Very intense.
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Version 5
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