Thank you. I think you are the first person to have understood the sister/female bonding theme. That makes me breathe a sigh of relief.
Poetry / Sister (Analysis)
You crawled inside this empty chest
ten years ago.
You carved a hole within
like a grown-up fetus.
Vascillation sorrow
uncertainty.
I try to speak.
In that forced-closed-throat way
it’s as if my every word to you
were lies.
As if I didn’t know you.
Maybe I don’t.
Really.
I’m not crazy, sister.
You said paranoid.
Imaginations tricking me.
Sometimes I can’t see
Truly
those words of yours
for what
they really
are.
Here is the truth: I am not miscontruing you.
When you were here
in my heart,
in my love,
curled in my belly,
I couldn’t wait for you to speak.
Nearly unbearable that waiting
That looking up for your other muddy shoe to drop.
(Say what you mean. Just speak.)
I hate your silence.
Your punishment for my letting you set up shop in my head.
I loved you as a sister should.
I used to always reach for you.
As if by merely touching you,
like a bleeding woman finally feeling
the hem of Jesus’ robe under her fingers,
I would be healed.
Knowing you were really
there
calming pesky fears of mine
latent and pregnant
now budding
now flowering
a red-blood fruition
of Abandonment.
That gaping hole
bloody in my belly
you made
when you burst from me,
like an Alien in a movie,
leaves me dead-feeling.
Corpse-like.
The only remnants of me
bloody-trailing footprints
shuffling to the tune of a Thorazine drip.
I could hate you so easily.
I could be as bitter as green Persimmons.
Hard-launching words
cruel fast
from ancient catapults.
And they would cut you.
Sister.
To the bone-within-your-bone.
Does this culpa(bility)
torturous-repeat in your brain?
Its viney-creeping-crawl up your spine,
itself curly-que-ing’round
neurons,
axon terminals,
dendrites and
synaptic gaps?
Validation (of pain).
Closure (of love).
You keep from me.
Sisterlove you.
Still.
Go away.
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punkrockguru reviewed Version 6 -
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honestly, i do not really understand this poem. why sister? it sounds more like a mother toward her daughter. maybe it just eludes me, though.
as far as the emotions, i love it. you seem so harsh, then back yourself up, and it all seems to work together. very real, very honest, and very painful at times. well done.
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so_resented_so_disliked reviewed Version 6 -
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i love it.. it seems to me that this could literally mean a sister-sister relation ship or any female bonding… the words used like ‘latent and pregnant
now budding
now flowering
a red-blood fruition
of Abandonment.’
although im male i’m fascinated with similes and metaphors that apply to women directly…
also the patterns were prefect… even though i try to study the overall feel of the words more than the rhythm..
thank you. i enjoyed it.
p.s.
if i were to give a critique i might metnion something about the clarity.. perhaps adding just 1 or two more lines that communicate a more definite message..
dancestandingstill reviewed Version 6 -
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perhaps – vacillatING sorrow
instead of vacillation, sounds better to me.
here is a question in this passage
“Sometimes I can’t see
Truly
those words of yours
for what
they really
are.
Here is the truth: I am not misconstruing you.”
how can you not misconstrue the meaning of someone’s words if you can not see truely what they mean in their words?
perhaps there is a past secret drama here other than the physical aspects you write about so explicitly. Your use of imagery to describe is very powerful but there is something in between point A: ten years ago and point B: I hate your silence other than what you have mentioned that would be good to explore.
Nice job on this, you can tell your close to the bone of your true feelings.
MisterP reviewed Version 6 -
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I like the way the lines are of different lengths as this, to me at least, reflects the fractious, possibly tortuous, relationship that your poem describes.
It’s frank and open yet can be interpreted in a number of ways.
My one gripe is with the two lines Vascillation (Vacillation) sorrow uncertainty. Vacillation is uncertainty so a repetition and the words are a list, which felt out of place.
Gripe to one side, a very commendable piece.
blossom_art reviewed Version 6 -
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Anais I am so sorry but you really lost me on this one. I am so confused, I just don’t think that i understood it at all. I am embarressed to say that i really do on this occasion need you to explain this one to me! I got confused with the whole ‘pregnant in my belly part’ and i am thinking that you are talking about your sister. I am sorry hun but i am lost… can you please explain it to me!
Rach
vampyrchik reviewed Version 6 -
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Wow… what a thought provoking poem… just kinda makes you want to know the story behind it really… The main thing I would say here is to try not to overcomplicate the poem by using words which may not be found in common circulation in the wider population as you can isolate your audience and narrow it dramatically. If the reader doesn’t understand the words you are using, they will not understand the poem and will likely never finish it. Keep up the good work :-)
witchj23 reviewed Version 6 -
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i gave you a little lower on the clarity, simply because some of the lines are hard to read. i was unclear as to where the line breaks were…at the end of the physical line, at the comma? and in the fourth stanza there is no period…but Truly is capitalized. so is it the start of a new line or just emphasis. all in all though i thought it was very good…very powerful and emotional.
jbrandenburg reviewed Version 6 -
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I’m thoroughly puzzled. There’s a lot to like in this poem, but i’m left with a lot of questions. You call this poem “Sister” and use that term throughout, but it’s unclear what your relationship is to the person you are addressing. Very unclear. It almost reads like a mother addressing a daughter, or someone with multiple personalities addressing one of them. Your use of emotionally evocative language gives this poem its power – “a grown-up fetus”, “a red-blooded fruition/of Abandonment” – these last lines in particular are brutally intense, yet oddly unfocused.
You have some grammar and spelling issues, “your” v. “you’re”; “miscon(s)truing”, “imaginations” v. “imagination’s”.
In the end, I’m left with more questions than answers, and I get the feeling this isn’t what you were shooting for.
DByron reviewed Version 6 -
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This is getting much, much better. For my tastes, I think it’s still too long. It’s now up to you to decide what you want this poem to be. If you want it published, then you have some massive editing to do (it’s a horrible thing to do, cutting up something you’ve created). But if you want to publish it yourself, then you don’t need ANYONE telling you what to do with this. It exists as it exists.
For me, the power of the poem really begins with “I hate your silence”—from that line to the end, I believe you have something to cultivate.
Best of luck,
Byron
Nosnibor reviewed Version 6 -
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Some nice lines in here, although I’m not entirely able to grasp the scenario, what’s happened to provoke this reaction. Perhaps I don’t need to, I’m not sure.
A couple of typos I noticed - the second ’s’ missing from ‘miscontruing’ and I wasn’t sure about ‘like an Alien in a movie,’ which I didn’t feel sat right within the overall style of the writing, or worked as an image. These rather weakened the effect, which is a pity, because I think
‘axon terminals,
dendrites and
synaptic gaps?’
is a really strong sequence… so more of that and fewer simlilies, would be my recommendation.
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