This doesn’t appear to be a particularly valid review. I don’t mind people not liking it, but if they are going to leave a review it might be nice if it actually had some constructive criticism in it rather than just telling me it’s not your thing.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / It Begins - a prologue (Analysis)
It begins. At the centre of a bleak landscape of rocks and wizened trees stood an ancient artefact from before the forming of the nations. A full fifty feet high, it was a truly foreboding sight. It was a triangular portal that led only to its other side. Forged of what seemed to be a single piece of stone and covered in runes and sigils that no mortal of the world could even read. To look upon this construct was to go mad, the signs it bore were so utterly complex and stretched from one to the other to form a vast and beautiful yet terrifying web of dormant power. Few had seen this colossal machination for several years as the land was uninhabitable and dangerous to travel across. The only ones who did see it were the attendants of the college of magic on the luscious plateau that was across the wasteland from the main body of nations. There were about fifty students in residence, taught and in turn teaching the eight resident teachers. It was the secret duty of this college to watch over the portal, for it had a terrible secret hidden within the runes on its surface.
The artefact was from before the forming of the great ruling nations that then ruled the world. It was created by a power, unknown due to the lack of records from the day. It was a portal, a doorway, seemingly of no purpose. In fact it was a link to an identical portal in another world, a means of travelling between the two. It provided the world with technology and philosophy previously unreachable. It made the land prosperous and utopian. But some disaster befell the land, the portal that had once made the land rich proved its undoing. An enemy arose in the other world and swept into this one. It wiped out the area surrounding the portal and would have annihilated the rest of the world if the guardians had not come forth. They came through the portal but were not from the other world. Forging a mighty magic they drew in the armies of the enemy and cast them back to the world from whence they came before sealing the portal and laying new runes of warning next to the runes of power that covered the great stone structure. After this the guardians went out into the world and carefully and quietly aided the building of the nations, sowing the seeds to remove the portal from the minds of the people. Eventually they set up the college of magic with the aid of the mightiest wizards of the time, to teach and forever watch over the dreaded portal of the wasteland.
Where the guardians went it is not clear but it seems that they stayed at the college for a while, making sure that the students knew as little as possible about the portal, but enough to make sure they would guard it from anyone. Some believe that the guardians mingled with the natives of the world and that their descendants are in fact the mysterious mage knights from Dragons Tower, north of the college.
Neither the college or the mage knights owe any allegiance to anyone besides themselves. Rarely are they involved in the disputes of the nations unless they seek to prevent them. Many a king and queen has attempted to buy and bribe the services of these powerful individuals but always the offer is spurned. On a few memorable occasions either the mage knights or the college has taken to war to stop a tyrant attempting to expand their kingdom or to protect villagers from dangerous bandit lords. Once, both the college and the mage knights took up arms together against all the nations when they sought to place claim over the wasteland, including the college and Dragon Tower. The armies of the nations were quickly dispersed for the two impartial powers were utterly terrifying in their might.
Many years later these events have not been forgotten by the people of the world, but as with many stories passed down from one generation to another they have become warped and many rulers have changed them for use as propaganda. Now the nations are at peace with one another but there are those who remember that there is some artefact of power within that wasteland and will stop at nothing to gain that power for their own use. At the forefront of this group is the university of magic and science in the nation of Veelridka, a land sharing its borderline with the wasteland. A disused watchtower stands at this border and from its summit one can just make out on the distant horizon, a small triangle shape…
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Potatopirate reviewed Version 1 -
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jessylerch reviewed Version 1 -
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kem reviewed Version 1 -
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Reading this made me want to read further(that is a good sign).There are many directions for you to go in with this story. Add to it and put it back up for review.
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Cleveland reviewed Version 1 -
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One of the hardest task is to read ones own work and make constructive comments. If I suggested you have many good ideas I’d expect you to go through your prologue and find those ideas. They are there but need to be put in order. Progression is something you need to learn about. How to pace and develop idea. Nothing is all at the same point of time, so you need to be selective in your ideas.
The portal idea remind me of pyramids and runes crop up so man times in your prologue yet runes are not a plot point. Do the actual feature in the story? If so how?Anything not connected with the story line needs to be removed because at the moment you have a great amount of ‘things’, many ideas but without direction.
Get that direction;write a revised prologue;write a synopsis and then see what develops.
Good luck.
coby reviewed Version 1 -
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i dont really care for that sort of thing
zekewyatt reviewed Version 1 -
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Strong writing, if just a little cliche. There are reasons though that cliches have become that way—because they are themes and tropes that have been so popular. So carry it to the extreme the way your doing.
What do you mean you can’t write a story now? Use the elements of your prologue to write out small stories. For ex.: “here the guardians went it is not clear.” As an omniscient writer, generate a story about where the guardians went. You may know, readers may know, but not necessarily the characters in your stories. You have a lot of starting points in this piece,
laurella_lee_artius reviewed Version 1 -
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I absolutely loved it! My kind of story! You should definately add on! I want to see more!
SunnyKris reviewed Version 1 -
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You’ve got a lot of potential here. I found constantly referring to the artifact as just “the artifact” a little awkward. I think that the local people would have named it if it was the cause of such total destruction. Even something as simple as the Black Obelisk or some such. Then you could go on with your descriptions. I was intrigued by the mention of the university of magic… For that matter, I was intrigued by most of your story. Like I said, you have a lot of potential here; I hope you can develop the rest of the story!
unspoke_words reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked the prologue. This definitely has the potential of becoming a great story
realeyes69 reviewed Version 1 -
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not my thing playa. But I read it part of it. I think it needs more words more descriptions of the land the color of the sky…. the sound of water birds animals….people where are the people it was like a lack luster narration from a B celebrity…ya feel me? I know everyone aint on all of the time. but you got the beginnings you need to expound on the past in like flash backs with action to army came in and burned and the pain of the people was great they…and then when the people all be gave up hope ta da the gaurdians…..kicked but smote them pesky invaders … skip to… wherever aint gonna write it for ya keep writing you got a good and stargate type line going. work work imagine describe research imagine purple moons killer centipeeds u know the drill
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