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Journal, Diary, & Blogging / The Yellow Brick Road
The beginning of a new chapter in life, occurred on the weeked of the young girl’s birthday, she sat with a gay, a girl,and a baker at place named Chicago. There they all met and the journey began. She sipped a few smirnoff double black and rasberry, whilst getting introduced to the man on her right. “This is name ommitted, he is gay” – the other girl says “Oh, really” and gay announces “Of course”.
A few smirnoffs and small chit chat conversations later, the party all decide to go into the city. They leave Chicagoes and go to the bus where they get taken into the city ready to club it up.
They all went to the basement and played a bit of pool – some better than others – however the birthday girl did sink two balls!
Unfortunately (or fortunately as it will become), the first club rejected both the birthday girl and the gay and told the baker, “the baggy look is out.” It was therefore decided that they try another club.
In the meantime, however, the young birthday girl was in a rant over not being accepted into the club “I am wearing my titty top” was repeated many, many times. Because the gay, was gay and had talked with the young-un in the line, a hug was in order. After another rejection, the four peoples decided to walk back the the city.
Baker boy and the girl walked faster than the other two, and soon the huggy couple walked and talked, arms wrapped around each other. A slight glitch occurred when the birthday girl asked the gay, “what did your mother say, when you told her you were gay?” “I’m not gay,” was the answer. Panic started occuring in the young girl – warning bells sounded. All she could think was that a non-gay man had his arms around her and she was talking to him fine and he was talking to her – was he interested???
After much talking and laughing, the night had to end, the 4 walked out of the casino and went to catch a cab. The young girl was asked to go back to the non-gays house, but refused ever so nicely, and gave him her number instead.
After a quick trip to bakers delight, the two girls separated and went home. All and all, it the latest the young birthday girl had ever stayed up and the most fun she had ever had.
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First off, the characters here need names. From a practical standpoint, you have the Birthday Girl and the Young Girl, and at times you refer to one or the other as simply “the girl”. This gets confusing really fast. At the very least, capitalize Birthday Girl and Young Girl and don’t shorten it at all except in ways that the reader can clearly understand (BG for Birthday Girl). Also, referring to a homosexual (or a perceived homosexual, as appears to be the case in this story) as “The Gay” might very well offend a few people. You don’t refer to anyone else in this story by their sexual proclivities and orientations (The Straight, The Slut, The Virgin), so why do so with one character in particular?
Also, the tone of voice varies wildly throughout the piece. You use metro-ish language at times (chit chat) and then switch to rural vernacular. “Talked with the young-un in line”? What, is he a grizzled old prospector? You need some consistency with the narrative voice.
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Not sure what the point of this was. Fiction? A diary entry? Cautionary tale?
A few things that jumped out at me:
“They leave Chicago and go to the bus where they get taken into the city” – they left Chicago to go to another city?
“They all went to the basement” – what basement? You didn’t mention any specific place.
“the 4 walked out of the casino” – don’t use numbers in place of words when it isn’t an address or phone number. And you never mentioned them going into a casino.
I usually don’t pick at journal entries because they’re much more informal, but I thought these notes might help.
Good luck!
Awww…
But the gay guy shoulda bow-chicka-wow-wowed with her…
Character name work well for me. It allows the reader identify.
The story has potential, but maybe work on rewriting for better flow of the story.
The title is a let down, I expected more parody between your story and the “OZ” story. I wanted less telling, it felt a bit like a laundry list, (first we did this, then that,) and more showing. It was a bit confusing without character introduction, and I felt the use of the specific brand of drink the girl had was distracting from the story that was trying to be told. The girl is “young” yet she is getting into clubs and drinking, so, exactly how young was this girl and how did she hookup with the seemingly ragtag bunch she hung out with all night. The concept is good, however, it needs some fleshing out if the story/experience is going to stand on its own.
Very interesting words…
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