thx for the thoughtful review!
Poetry / One (Analysis)
1.
of all of them
there was only one
and not the one
I would have
thought
I am the one
who knows the words
she said
the one who holds
your eye
no fear on my face
sleep on my
brow but passing
toward the rain
the lights
2.
I am one
she said
the voice unbroken
like sand cutting
your skin
I am one
the dance you never untangled
a million of them
waving
in the leaves
of spring
I am one
I am one
the disappearing rooms
I am one
streaking the edge of sight
net of the world
I am one
the boy’s gun grin
I am one
the craving
like glass-sharp rime
the sun bound in
its net of trees
I am one
I am one
- # #
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Chago reviewed Version 1 -
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The piece reads well. The fact your kept form and stuck to the refrain of “One” makes the peice read well and flow well. The Refrain actually gives the piece good breaks and makes the reader regroup after each section.
If I had to change anything in the piece, it would be the “2.”
I was thrown off by this. Consider simplpy dropping the 2. It gets away from the ONE.
Good work overall.
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authorkat reviewed Version 1 -
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You give your reader pause for thought….to know what is this (One)? I suspect it is self or soul inside of self or even spirit for all that matters. Very interesting and well penned piece that captivates the reader and draws him/her into its insightful passion of what or who could be (One)? I would call this poem Innervisions or as you have put it…simply One.
Very nice…thanks for sharing.
gigladstone reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a great poem (reminds me a bit of Eliot), but it’s not really clear what it’s about. Maybe that’s the point though?
Ericvonnoir reviewed Version 1 -
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good poem like each stanza
tisha reviewed Version 1 -
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It is an interesting piece. I can’t help but feel like it is not quite done though. The pauses and breaks are in reallly odd places and it doesn’t really seem to have any natural flow. I’m sorry but I wasn’t really able to conect with it on a personal level. It does have some worth to be shaped but as it is I can’t really see where you are headed with it.
NaneB reviewed Version 1 -
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I …. I think I really like the first verse, or section. You start off awesome with a questionative statement trying to get me to understand what the “one” is. You go on to explain how your the one how you spark my (the readers) interest and eye—good.
The fourth paragraph needs some work though, I got caught up on the second line “sleep on my”, it stopped me because I read it as “sleep on, my” or even “sleep, on my” but either way I don’t think you should put “my” on the same line drop it down with the rest of the phrase, actually rereading it is a bit confusing:
“no fear on my face
sleep on
my brow but passing.” I guess I don’t totally get it, your describing your face and how I seem to be asleep from actually seeing you and then you mention your brow—it just seems a little confusing to me. Might want to play with that a bit.
As for the second verse I like the descriptors and metaphors of leaves and dancing. However I don’t like how you totally change your style from verse one and verse two. You go from block format to spaces and one line stanzas, visually it doesn’t go with verse one. Also, I don’t understand the ”I am one
the disappearing rooms” line. I do like how you go on to continue to tell me and define what the one is though.
I like the poem, I like how you spark the interst with who the one is, and then go on to describe her. I like how you bring out different images like I mentioned above. I feel though that though the verses are together they feel totally different (and sure you probably wrote them at a different times) but maybe work on the same voice the same rythm throughout.
Something that gets me though, at least how I am seeming to interpret it, the line: “I am one streaking the edge of sight” I feel this is a big part of this poem. It kind of explains why your writing it; yes your the one. But if no one notices or sees it then what are you, just a streak, a shadow, a person in the back that no one seems to notice, even though you have a ton to give and share with the person that chooses “the one”. Well done, I don’t know if that’s the meaning you wanted, but that’s what I’m feeling at the moment.
derekosborne reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re right, the poem is not there but IT is there – the one. I have a poem on the site that I wrote 20 years ago but never could get right. Then I found it on an old backup CD and it clicked. I added a new first line and the thing just poured out in one take.
There is a really good premise going on in your poem. It is a very big subject. There is no sense in critisizing the diction or structure because you haven’t found the key. And of course, it’s your god damn key. I wish you luck.
For what it is worth, I’ll tell you what I did. I imagined my daughter asking me what the poem was about. That was the new first line.
blossom_art reviewed Version 1 -
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To be totally honest, I am sorry but you lost me. I am unsure what the story is that you are trying to tell. I tried to strip it down to simple and still could not find the overall message. From your notes i was even still confused when i did re-read it again. There is a definate theme of ‘one’ but it does not speak to me clearly. Sorry
rotivator reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you hit the nail right on the head, there are some solid parts but the sum doesn’t have much weight. I think it is salvageable, first I would tie down your theme. Who is the one, and what do you need to share. Then for me I try to find a bit of instrumental music, and sort of soundtrack it, to help keep my mind in the moment. Hope this helps, don’t give up.
bbenners reviewed Version 1 -
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Frankly, I have never judged a single poem and assume that I never will. I know nothing about writing them. But, I was struck by your comments in the Notes For Reviewer. So, as long as you understand that I know very little about poetry, I will leave you my thoughts.
I know that poetry uses specific devices such as connotation, sound, and rhythm to express the appropriate combination of meaning and emotion. I realize that it is a very condensed for of writing and that often the meaning is hidden.
Your piece seems to me to nail some of those devices and miss others altogether. Your poem does seem to hit the sound and rhythm nails squarely on the head. But, it fails to clearly express emotion and meaning. The words bounce along nicely and are fun to say. Yet, if there is any meaning to this, it escapes me entirely and I truly tried to find something within it that made sense. It seems to me to be made up of jagged phrases and strings of words that form strange images when linked together, but actually make no sense at all.
And if it does indeed have a hidden meaning to it, if your meaning is so well hidden that few will decipher it, then for most it has no meaning.
Now, how can this be fixed or improved? I have no idea, but I would suggest that you look at two things: its lack of meaning and emotion.
Here’s what I do know: The best books and movies follow a lead character’s emotional journey from one point to another. They are about an ordinary person being thrown into an extraordinary situation and the struggle to overcome all the obstacles to achieve their goals. Songs are less about the journey from one emotional point to another and more about a single moment in that emotional struggle. A snapshot of the moment. “How Can You Mend a Broken Heart,” “She loves you, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah,” “Ain’t That a Shame, My tears Fell Like Rain,” “Lonely Teardrops,” “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction,” “Maybeline, Why Can’t You be True?” “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling.” etc.
Emotions are at the root of all forms of writing.
Decide on the point you want to make (the meaning of it) and provide the emotion of dealing with it. If “One” is about being alone, then tell us not only what alone is, but how it feels. Like Three Dog Night said in their song, “One is the Loneliest Number You Ever Did See.” If “One” is about The One, the Supreme One, make it clear and emotional.
Just my thoughts. Best Wishes and Keep Writing!
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