Just honest comments and critiques please. Try to be as constructive as possible. Thanks!
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Very nice poem. Your graphic wording makes it an interesting read. The thought behind this was OK. This poem is all about you busting someone else in the chin. Right? Take care. JW
Though a highly strong detailed scene, filled with a tremendous amount of mystery and curiousity it was still a bit vauge. I would obviously like to see more of the piece; so that I may better understand the situation. From this short piece the writer cleary shows skill and focused attention to his craft.
Good Luck.
Hi there,
Your first line is nice – “bolt” and “wallop” have a lot of energy, and the unnamed subject and image in that first line draw the reader in. I like the following second line; I would recommend taking out the word “angled”, just from a rhythmic consideration.
I am never fond of using the word “blood” or image of “dark blood” in a poem, unless you have to, only because it borders on cliche or melodrama. Is there another way to describe this image? Or maybe consider juxtaposing “blood” with another adjective? one that’s unexpected? is the blood sweet? a flood? maroon? cherry-colored? a trickle? slick? I think making this a more interesting description would really add.
Also, I would consider nixing “The” in front of dark blood also, because it makes the blood seem like more of a subject (and compares with “the cave” in the first line) but i think it detracts.
I like the use of “citadel” there, as both description and symbolic (?) for something more (“life force”?)
I’m not sure “retracted my fist inside” is clear to me. “I” retracted his/her fist inside what? Perhaps consider clarifying
Fabric is a great description.
Overall, I feel like it needs something more. There is some thing lacking: what is significant about this particular punch? Is it simply a description of the way it feels to punch someone (is what i’m interpreting it is about). Perhaps by bringing some new thought to your descriptions, you could bring more of this kind of impact. However, I think you have some strong image descriptions to start, and as a short descriptive piece it is fairly effective.
Good luck!
PS I’m sorry, I’m a little confused with the ratings (this is my first review) so I apologize if they don’t make sense…
You provide little wiggle room for the reader as the image you are trying to convey, I enjoy that it is concise, and yet still loaded with imagery (the fabric warm against cold skin.) My favorite line is the first line and my only suggestion would be to expound upon it simply because I am curious to know more!
Cheers! Nicely done!
Are this poem about shooting someone? Extremely dark but it doesnt play out like a poem. It plays out like a story. Great concept though.
Interesting that the notes to reviewer seems to be written as a poem, while the poem is a straightforward direction ;-)
The cave/citadel imagery confused me, all the way until “retracted” I’m not sure really what’s going on.
This part, though is excellent:
my fist inside,/
the fabric warm against cold skin.
It smacks of comic book sensibility (no pun intended). Do I like it? Kind of… Is it going to get published in a lit magazine? I don’t know. Mainly, my concern is that with 14 words, I am not given enough to leave with. This was very sexual by nature, and I think I need more to develop the feeling and imagery. Great rhyming and pace. Keep it up. I am no publisher, so what do I know.
I enjoy this piece. It’s interesting in its prespective and strait to the point. However it’s not explained very well, many of the parts are vague and mysterious. It adds to it in a good way but I’m curious to know why is the person striking the other. Is there a dispute about a romantic figure or is is revenge? Anything in that nature even explained in one sentence would add so much more to it. Great work =)
I am no professional. I do like this. Its kind of angry and raw. I like the beat. Seems metaphoric. It is hard to make a mental picture of exactly what is going on though.
This poem says: I punched a guy. It doesn’t say much more than that. It is effective in illustrating that message, but that’s all. I don’t know how much more a review the writer is looking for with a poem of this length and depth.
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