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Poetry / Under the bed (Analysis)
Under the my bed lives a colony of dust bunnies
maybe several forgotten books
Under Susan’s bed she’s hid a mirror
so she will never have to see her looks.
Under Lola’s bed she’s hid herself
so her mom won’t see her bruises
Under Tony’s bed there’s empty beer cans
and a packet of Carribean cruises
Under Mary’s bed there’s birth control pills
that she doesn’t want her boyfriend to see
And under our life there’s secrets and lies
that shows how unperfect we all can be.
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Kerry_Lee reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked this poem and it has a lot of hidden meaning.well done.i did feel this thou.just wondering if “the my bed” meant to be just “my bed?”.
its a lovely poem and you’ve obv got talent.
x kerry
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Jack_Kerocrack reviewed Version 2 -
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Two things. First, i would like to see you take the first stanza and make it the second to last. Second, I really like the powerful imagery evoked in this piece, try to expand each character’s existence by writing a short story about them. Thanks
placidchaos reviewed Version 2 -
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First of all this is great premise and a simple yet, thought provoking poem. It does however need some line by line correction. This is how I see it and I will go ahead and correct grammar too. I tried pasting yours next to the corrected version but the margins got all funky on me. Compare your version line by line with this one to see the differences.
Under my bed:
a colony of dust bunnies,
several forgotten books.
Under Susan’s bed:
a mirror,
So she’ll never have to look.
Under Lola’s bed:
she hides herself
so Mom won’t see her bruises.
Under Tony’s bed:
empty beer cans,
pamphlets of Carribean cruises.
Under Mary’s bed:
birth control pills,
her boyfriend won’t see.
And under our life’s bed
secrets and lies,
how imperfect we all can be.
The reason I think this all should be done is first of all is just to get the grammar correct, then to give it the flow and rhythm it needs. You have great poem here so far but try rewriting it paying attention to not only what you are trying to say, but in the manner you say it. Read it out loud and the flow will come easier.
I applaud you talent. Keep writing.
blossom_art reviewed Version 2 -
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For someone who is 13 your writing is really creative. Yes it is a simple poem, but i believe within it’s simplicity is such a stong and emotive message to all that read it. It is well structured and contains no spelling or grammar errors which is more than i can say for some poetry on here that has been written by others much older than yourself. keep at it would love to read more of your work.
Wiggin reviewed Version 2 -
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I really, really liked the basic idea of this poem, and I thought it was executed well. In the very first line there’s a little typo that you may want to correct. Good job.
writingfrenzy reviewed Version 2 -
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I really like this poem. It shows peoples’ emotions and how everyone has secrets that they just don’t want other people to see be it because of embarrassment or whatever. A few minor grammatical errors, though:
4th, 5th and 6th stanzas: ”There’s” should be “There are”
I also like how your final stanza sums up the message of the story; keep it up, you’ve got potential!!
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 2 -
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I like this piece, this peek into the secret side of people. The second and third seem to have more impact than the others do. The first one is pretty tame, and the one about birth control seems like it should say ‘doesn’t want her father to see’ or doesn’t want her husband to see’. If she’s having sex with her boyfriend, then he’d probably want to know she’s on birth control. Husband could indicate that he wants to have a child and she doesn’t. Father could indicate that she doesn’t want her parents to know she’s having sex.
I like the end, it’s very simple, and very true. That’s what makes it a great line. Overall, I think this piece is good and easy to understand.
Fallstar reviewed Version 2 -
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I really liked this poem. Usually I just skip over 99% of the poetry on here, but this one was good. Really hits home for people.
I like the rhyming style, and for consctruction it’s all good; no awkward amounts of syllables or bad rhynes.
Minor thing wrong (and wrong with alot of poetry) is punctuation. If you had none, or if you had enough of it, it’d be fine. But you have some lines that have it and some that don’t. Make everything regular and it’ll be much better.
But good writing. Keep it up.
2lanecrossroad reviewed Version 2 -
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very beautiful and astoundimg work that shold be seen by a publisher.eace and every line brought stanght to this ending. you did not by far over do this. You wrote this perfectly.keep writing I expect more insightful work from you
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