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Poetry / London (Analysis)
A busy town bustling with people
Colours flowing brightly in the wind
A person wonders a question they ask
What answer will they seek?
Talking a language of performance
Which of these will watch?
Smoky fires alight with hope
While others watch by, a despairing glance
I am lost with temptation, why have I made my choice
My feelings have overtaken me
I become one other lost citizen immersed with fear
I hope. I wonder. I lose. I wish.
One other wish I want becomes submerged in pity.
I sense an emotion, one of which I can only assume.
Consumes me with its persuasive eyes
I feel strangled by tower blocks, it submerges me with fear
An enchanting lane I wander through with inner naivety
Fallen leaves clutter the dirt paths of life
Trodden on by child-like infants dreaming of dragons
Voices echoing on empty walls and bridges
Will they hear us? Will they follow us?
Choked on fumes. Choked on despair
Let my escape this mad mad city
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rach31 reviewed Version 1 -
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wow you did a great job with that.I thought it was really good and i rekon you would have got great marks for it in class.Good work
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JDAnon reviewed Version 1 -
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well written, it describes london well, or at least gives an accurate description of london from a more personal real perspective, as opposed to the romanticised verse from most people.
good job!
goldenrose reviewed Version 1 -
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Really liked the way you used words such as ‘enchanting’ only to turn it into something negative. I very different out look on London. Love it. :-)
neawaia reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt the urge to get out and go sit on the lawn. Very well written towards the end. Though the beginning kind of left me lost.
A person wonders a question they ask
What answer will they seek?
Talking a language of performance
Which of these will watch?
I really dont understand this part. I know you were describing London, and they all have different accents relating to the different parts of England, but “which of these will watch?” . I couldnt quite get it.
The rest of it, seemed to flow pretty well from “My feelings have overtaken me”.
But tweaking the first half might help with understanding it better. Keep going though, you have something….!
cybermouse reviewed Version 1 -
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Well… you chose my least favourite city to begin with! The best thing about London is the M1 heading north.
‘A person wonders a question they ask
What answer will they seek?
Talking a language of performance
Which of these will watch? ‘
Not sure I understand any of the above. And poetry is about making statements in an oblique fashion that no-one else has ever quite seen before, not asking questions unless the whole of the piece is either rhetorical or interrogative.
’ am lost with temptation, why have I made my choice
My feelings have overtaken me
I become one other lost citizen immersed with fear
I hope. I wonder. I lose. I wish.
One other wish I want becomes submerged in pity.
I sense an emotion, one of which I can only assume.
Consumes me with its persuasive eyes’
You could lose easily the whole of the above statement and actually enhance the clarity of the rest of the poem. Don’t strive too hard to be clever. The simpler statements you make here are so much more powerful ‘strangled by tower blocks’ is very emotive in itself. ‘it submerges me with fear ’ should really be, ‘it submerges me’. Lose the fear, it takes us away from the following line that deals with naivety.
Try the following, and remember that it’s all in there, I haven’t added anything, and if you think that doing this is arrogant, you’re right, it is. And I was 17 once too.
Poems should be put in a drawer away from the light of day for at least 3 months. During that time, you, not they, mature. When you take them out again you can usually see what needs to be done. Good luck with the English!
Regards,
Bill
www.billallerton.co.uk
Busy town,
People-like colours
flowing brightly in the wind,
Smoky fires alight with hope
while others watch,
I am lost with temptation,
Strangled by tower blocks
it submerges me,
Through enchanted lanes I wander
with inner naivety,
Fallen leaves clutter the dirt,
Paths of life trodden
by child-like infants
dreaming of dragons,
Voices echoing
on empty walls,
Bridges choked on fumes
People choked on despair
Perlandria reviewed Version 1 -
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I would insert some commas to improve the flow:
Example:
“Colors flowing brightly, in the wind”
and
“A person wonders, a question they ask”.. try reading it to yourself outloud, then inserting commas.. that always helps me.
Thank you for sharing your piece!
YolandaRenee reviewed Version 1 -
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As far as descriptive of London? Could be any city, not a critisim, just an observation -- a few grammar errors --“Let my escape this mad mad city” -- Using my for me -- I do it all the time. “While others watch by, a despairing glance” is that supposed to be walk by?
Otherwise, I liked it and for 17 I envy your ability to write poetry! Something I desire to do, but don’t have the courage for. Good luck!
4everYours reviewed Version 1 -
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You start off with too much telling.
What makes the city busy? Give the reader an image that will make them SEE how busy it is. Also, what are the colours flowing in the wind? You don’t mention what they are, and I can’t really imagine any bright colours flowing in London.
“A person wonders a question they ask “ - this line doesn’t make any sense.
“Which of these will watch?” – which of what will watch what?
It’s not a bad poem. It’s cluttered with words, which sort of adds to the effect of London (being so busy and full of people, cars etc. However, I think you’re doing too much telling, as if the persona is standing there and telling me about the place. It would be better if you make the reader see and feel as if they are in London.
TextMessages reviewed Version 1 -
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not great I’m afraid, but since you are only 17, that’s fine, and no measure of talent
just take this line as an example, which is the best line:
trodden on by child-like infants dreaming of dragons
how can an infant not be child like? By definition. If you’d said “an infant like an old man” that might be interesting, depending on the context.
You need to learn to describe first. Try early Ted Hughes, and study carefully how he describes what he’s looking at. If you’re serious about wanting to write better, you’ll thank me for that.
A busy town bustling with people
It’s London. Of course it’s busy, bustling is such a lame word in the context, it sounds like a market town in Cheshire on a Saturday afternoon, and London is a city
you’ve got to be accurate
But, as I say, don’t worry, it’s all about learning
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