Flash Fiction / Conchobhar, Devotee, Paramount (Analysis)

I think you’ve got a good grasp of language but I wouldn’t describe this as a flash. Flash fiction needs a story with a beginning, middle and end. This is more a description of a scenario involving, presumably, two people. It was very overly poetic, which is good for description, but I couldn’t tell what exactly was happening.

You have a beautiful way with words. The downside throughout the piece is that you tend to go overboard with it. The long sentences and the long paragraphs make it easy for the reader to lose themselves. I had to reread a few passages due to the overall complexity of the piece.

“most certainly always lost.”- Do you mean the eyes lost some sort of contest, or they look lost and confused? I suspect the former, but this sentence really needs to be cleaned up.

Flash fiction is any sort of fiction that has a certain word limit. I’m not sure of the limit though, I’ve read many things.  No more than two thousand I’d say.

• Yet suddenly – comma after yet

• Fortunately answers – comma after fortunately

• So with my fear-filled heart – comma afer so

• of love I open – comma after love

• from fiery rain – I guess it’s possible but how is it cold if there’s fiery rain?

• I’d take care of your sentence structuring.  You need to vary it up a bit. A lot of your sentences are long.  Most of them. It makes it a boring read.  Not to say the story is boring.  Break them up some.

• It sounds like it could be interesting but I couldn’t really pick up what was going on.  I have an idea but it’s not very clear.  Clean up your sentence structure and see what you can do with that and it’ll read better.  The last few sentences lost me as well.  Is he dreaming this, not dreaming this, or what?  It’s unclear.  And to start off a story you should put in some action instead of a monologue because it doesn’t really captivate you to read more.

I smoked and read your work. Each sentence is entrancing. Deciphering each metaphor left a sweet taste in my mouth, and, momentarily, I was given a shady James Baldwin; deep, and so true. I was in eden for a long time, regretting this strange fruit that left me naked and shamed. But my eve led me back to the reality of being human. A parellel soul adopted me, and made me whole again. I could easily see this in a series of darkish stories, some, possibly even macabre. The world you placed me in was neither warming, nor “entertaining”, but shocking and definately paramount. Great short.  

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November 21, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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121	86.7% (45 votes)	22.8%

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27	F	Germany	November 14

Thank you so much!
I should maybe change that one goal I put from “Amuse, entertain, warm a few hearts” to “elicit emotion”, because that is really all I want. I want the reader to feel something/anything when they read my work and then create their own story in their head.

I am glad it worked for you. That makes my day.
And I have more shorts like this, mostly they are pretty dark, yes.
I don’t know if I ever would think of combining them in a collection or series, but hey, you may have just given me an idea there. (:

Thanks again!

November 21, 2008

by MMcCabe

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24	M	Saint Louis, MO	November 05

You are welcome. Yes, the goal is tricky. elicit emotion and entertain, normally, as I believe, means pairing light and energy. It is more so bolstered by “warm a few hearts.” It does instigate emotion, but it is more of a sitting alone, thinking deeply, almost cautious type of emotion. I dont find caution entertaining. smile Maybe suspense, but not entertainment. I am glad I made your day.

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This had a fast flow about it and moved along in that respect, It was very sexual but vague at the same time. I am not sure just who’s eyes we are looking through and as such I felt detachment from the Point of View. The constant stimuli was a bit overshadowed that I am not sure if things are happening literally or metaphorically. Overall it was readable but somewhat distant, and lacked in really bringing this reader in.
As you forewarned the plot was an afterthought if at all, its just a mood piece almost like you wanted to submerge the reader into your thoughts that only really make sense to you, the reader being nothing more than a bystander or an intruder on the ride spying on the flow of imagery.

Gavinswar

A fascinating piece.  Well written and deep.  You have captured many levels of intimacy in a beautiful way.  

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October 30, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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121	86.7% (45 votes)	22.8%

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27	F	Germany	November 14

Thank you! I am glad you enjoyed it. And you “got” it as well, which is more than I could hope for. I just want to elicit emotion, sense is secondary. (;

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I took this piece to be a work of poetry, rather than a flash-fiction short story, as I couldn’t really find a solid plot.

I loved the descriptions and long sentences.. and the atmosphere you created was beautiful.

I’m fairly new to editing and don’t really know what else to critique on.  I’m sorry if I busted your stats, but I ranked them all fairly high.

Aside from a few comma and word order errors, there doesn’t seem to be much wrong with the grammar of this section.

Good job!
Keep up the great work.

“Fortunately answers”—toss a comma in here.  if you’d like.

“the rhythm of love I open”—love, I

small things.  missing commas. no biggie. so far, I’m waiting for something to happen.  But the writing is strong so I’ll keep reading.

“the trees around us all clear-cut with only stumps remaining”—this comes in the midst of fine description, but it reads a bit contradictory.  If the trees are all clear-cut, how could they be around you?  Are they laying on the ground?  

As an atmospheric, dreamy piece, I’m enjoying it.

Overall-

it’s lovely.  It reads as one’s musings on life, hope, tragedy, faith, as shared with a counterpart.  The action is there but subtle and lofty.  It’s nice.

criticisms?

not too many.  small punctuation issues.  maybe consider tossing out some more tangible action to remind us where we are.  

well done.

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October 24, 2008

by PhoebeRaven

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121	86.7% (45 votes)	22.8%

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Thanks, Marvin!
Also for the punctuation advice. See, I am not a native English speaker, but at the same time I am a stickler for getting it right. I am also of the opinion that well-used commas can help make sense of things, so I will go back and check that.

In terms of the content, yeah, you’re right, there isn’t as much action or plot as they could be, but I have found that I am also bad with plot, so I mostly leave it out. You had it pretty much right with the word “musing” there. That’s what I call my writings. I don’t call them “stories” or “poems” or whatever. Those categories don’t seem to work.

I always meant to go back over this, there are a few things that bother me about it. When I do (winter is actually perfect for revisions), I will definitely take your advice into consideration.

Glad you enjoyed it, thanks again!

October 24, 2008

by Marvin

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32	M	United States	April 26

no problem, Phoebe.  Winter is a great time for revisions.  And hot chocolate.  mmmmmmm…..

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