witty or clever would be fine by my standards. I hope you can understand that I am a rhyming poet. Your “slippery slope” is in fact a half-pipe in my own opinion. For without rhyme and internal flow, a poem grows useless. Perhaps you should show me the proper way to treat this topic. I am anxious to see your climbing skills. Until next rhyme. JW
Poetry / Gods Of War (Analysis)
Come across again my friend, it seems your spirit is undone.
From our cross there blends a sense that we are not all part of one.
Still we’ll bicker ‘til we kill to make each heaven’s sake seem true.
We should try to let our gods find peace just once before we’re through.
See we love these solid lines we ride, one-sided, scared to turn.
Must we feed on faith behind closed eyes, made blind, it’s hard to learn?
Help us broaden all horizons, so much truth is placed about.
All too often knowledge holds to mold the fakes we’ve found devout.
While these days grow dark let us embark upon our final path.
Just hold true and I’ll hold you, as two we’ll make it through the wrath.
One hand is all I need, though be it known there’s room for each.
Together we will rise to heights that priests could never preach.
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concarolinags reviewed Version 1 -
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OK, you’ll see that I put very low scores on attracting and agent. It’s almost impossible to find an agent for poetry – so that has nothing to do with you or your poem. It’s just how the industry is. It’s also kind of hard to find a market for poetry, but if your interested, try either the Writer’s DIgest poetry contest or City Light’s book store – they have a publishing arm and do a lot of poetry.
That being said – You have a great deal of courage in your subject matter. I am a Huge Yeats fan and is that a bit of his influence there? You also have a lot of talent. However, you’ve chosen a really tough subject for your first piece, its really hard to write poetry about Religion without sounding preachy. I love your sentiment, but what I really would like to see from you is a more personal take on religion, I think you’d do better with a softer imagery – and the title suggests a harder poem then this. Definately change the title. You should reach within your own personal experience and write closer to your heart. Talk about your emotions on the subject. Give me a little blood on paper. Also, read some Yeats and other religious poets.
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daithi reviewed Version 1 -
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The best I can say about the piece is it’s a nice sentiment like, “Why can’t we all get along?”.
How I actually feel about the poem is quite different. It’s kind of banal. It’s a bit like the sayings you see hanging in frames in people’s kitchens. They may be witty or clever, but they are never more than that.
Rhyming poetry is also a “slippery slope” if you want to be taken seriously.
My advice would be, if you are really passionate about the subject, rewrite it with some feeling. It’s an important topic and it deserves to be treated as such.
clele75 reviewed Version 1 -
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Powerful poem on a phenomenon that many can relate to, but
that which is not written about too often. A few of my
very close friends can be zealously religious so your
words held a special resonance with me. I especially like
your use of ‘across’ and ‘cross’ in the first line. (The
idea that we’re not all part of the same belief, same
fate, etc. is very powerful.)
One line I did have problems with is:
‘til we kill to make each heaven’s sake seem true”
The rhythm of this line really hurts (in my opinion)
the flow of your piece. Unlike the rest of your piece,
which is a pleasure to read, saying these words is quite
a struggle for my tongue.
All in all, strong work.
ckbailey reviewed Version 1 -
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the main problem i have with this poem is the way certain lines in the middle stanza are syntactically twisted into awkward shapes by the need to make them rhyme. for example the line “must we feed on faith behind closed eyes, made blind, it’s hard to learn”—the last four words just don’t work with the others. and the phrase “the fakes we find devout” doesn’t make sense to me.
the first and third stanzas work much better and are easier to grasp. i would advise revising that middle one to make it flow better as well as make more sense.
Barbie reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked this piece.
Your rhythym and subject matter blended seemlessly.
I would definately read more of your work.
00_Doughboy reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a wonderful poem! It just makes you shake your head and sigh at how much death is brought on by personal faith, how all too often people are killed over the idea of peace and everlasting eternity. I love the message here; broaden your horizons, learn to make amends with your Maker (whoever it may be) on your own terms, and don’t be ignorant or inconsiderate of beliefs that differ from yours. Very well said.
Very existential. All 9’s on this one.
da_prophecy reviewed Version 1 -
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While these days grow dark let us embark upon our final path.
Just hold true and I’ll hold you, as two we’ll make it through the wrath-
Wow really loving this piece much Imagery well rounded,nice look forward seeing more of your work in the future.
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