Poetry / Baby Soldier

First, You don’t have to Capitalize the first word of the even lines. They are the end of the previous verse. The 6th line need a little change. where’s that leave.. wheres or where does that leave us would flow better. Verse 10 since were not there, we can only be there in spirit. Maybe say -so they don’t fell so alone or so they feel less alone. Verse 14-maybe “in all their glory.” Verse 18 sounded out of place somehow until I read on. Nice set up. The remainder flowed very well and was heartfelt. I hope he’s alright too.

Touchy subject, and brave of you to write. I could feel your emotion here! This was a piece from the heart. Real, honest emotion. The tempo was off a bit, but considering the content of this piece I don’t think that matters at all. I could feel your words through the whole piece, I could feel your fear, and passion, but most of all the love you have for your brother. He’s a hero!! And I thank him for his brave, unselfish answer to the call. My husband is a soldier. This piece was very moving. Thank you for sharing.

A very heartfelt poem! I’m glad for your brother he has someone like you supporting him at home.  

The ending is great I love it. My big brother is also military so i understand what you mean. However the beginning doesn’t flow right at least not for me. What I suggest is to read it aloud to yourself then do a little editing. I am not going to suggest any specific alterations because I would rather see your changes in it to grasp your thoughts even more on this. You have definate talent and this poem has potential. Keep trying it always takes me a couple times to get mine where I want them so good luck.

Its a good poem. The rhyme scheme and rhythm could use some work. But, as a US Marine, I am gracious for people like you and your opinions. Keep writing like this, it does help us cope. Thanks.

You’ve done a good job of charging this with emotion and the images of war. I’m Canadian. Our troops went to Afghanistan to help restore human rights taken away by the Taliban. Many of our people don’t think they should be there. You are too close to this issue to be objective, but I do have to remind you that Iraq didn’t start this war. It’s now public knowledge that your president fabricated the weapons of mass destruction intelligence that justified the US invasion of Iraq. Your soldiers are getting a raw deal with longer tours of duty than any of your soldiers before. I pray your brother is fine and I’m sorry you have to go through this nerve wracking period of waiting.

As to your poetry, your line lengths would be better if they were slightly more consistent. This matters most in rhyming poetry. If you could write it without rhyming it might be more powerful. I found one error in spelling: Line #10 you used the wrong “their,” – should be “they’re.”

It was poignant and stirred alot of feeling.  Though the only thing I did not like was the line with swearing and killing a whole race.  Although I do understand the feeling behind it…I think it could have been put a little differently if possible. Other than that, the poem impacts very hard to the heart of the matter with something that is dear to a lot of people from many countries fighting the same war.  Very well written!!!