Thank you so much for the kind words. I’m glad I was able to write something that communicates so well with someone.
Poetry / If You Died Tonight
If you died tonight,
I’d dig a hole in my backyard
to put you in.; I’d wrap your naked body in that sheet
stained with your blood
from the time you split open your arms
when we took too many drugs:
but I wouldn’t mark the grave,
that way nobody would know you were lying there—
rotting—
flowers or a tree or some sort of something
using your corpse as a fertilizer;
and it’d be just like the way it was when we were together.
If you died tonight,
I’d draw your portrait
on the sidewalk with the multi-colored chalk
my mother got me for my 9th birthday
and I only used once
but always kept in every garage or basement I’ve ever lived in,
and people would walk over your face,
smudging and erasing your eyes
and your smile, and the only ones that would stop to look
at you would be those that were already
staring down at their feet.
If you died tonight,
I’d go to bed early and wake up late the next morning—
I wouldn’t miss you, but I’d trick myself
into thinking I did, so I’d cry
over my Cinnamon Toast Crunch
and be reminded that no matter how hard I try,
I’ll never again be a child.
If you died tonight,
I’d make you a shrine
with all of the things I should’ve given you
and all the other things
we should’ve held dear.
If you died tonight,
I’d finally quit smoking,
but I’d keep all my ashtrays.
That’s if you die tonight,
but I imagine you’ll live to see morning.
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imara219 reviewed Version 1 -
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I actually quite like this, it has such wonderful potential as a poem. I do believe the 1st half is more concise than the 2nd half, it didn’t have the same structure. Your first 3 stanzas had so much emotion that by stanza 5 I felt cheated because of the short lines and choppy stanza, also, the action did not seem to flow with the rest of the poem. It just stuck out. I actually do see what you were trying to accomplish by making the stanzas smaller as the poem went along I just want the quality of content and the intensity to stay the same throughout, unless you meant it that way. If you wanted to demonstrate how much you don’t mean what you say by saying less and having less intensity. Very well done!
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jebozid reviewed Version 1 -
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The subject is good, you just need to tighten it so it would read more like poetry and not like prose with linebreaks. (of course if you intended it to sound like that)
First 2 stanzas are interesting, they tell about your relationship towards that person in a personal way – nice.
3rd stanza is by far the best part of your poem – it bursts with supressed emotions.
4th and 5th stanzas are weak, they seem to have the purpose only to connect the preceding with the last 2 lines – which are good but maybe if you used the “If you died tonight” instead of “That’s if you die tonight” , it would add to the consistency of the poem.
Fantastic idea, still needs work but I bet it will be worth it.
Enjoyed.
WanderingMind reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem breaks my heart to hear some of the same things that I have thought at one point or another. The bitterness is beautiful…no critique
Misticism reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem rips my heart out because I can relate to the feeling of going through life with someone who is a damaged self-destructive soul, who has hurt me so much and lead me down roads so wrong that at times I have wondered how I would be if they died. The addict that makes themself invisible in their obsession and sickness by burrowing into their depravity, only to raise their ugly heads to search out the next fix.
“and the only ones that would stop to look
at you would be those that were already
staring down at their feet”
This is brilliant! I am so impressed by this piece. The innocence so lost, that it makes you resentful and vindictive.
The structure of the poem is ragged, but so are the emotions. I don’t think I object to this because the breaks fit well.
This is a favorite of mine.
crystinawritersblog reviewed Version 1 -
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This poem really caught my attention. I was a little bit disturbed by the first stanza but it was very descriptive which is good. The poem is makes readers feel sad but the last two sentences kind of lift the mood which I like because it was a refreshing bit of optimism. Kudos!
meltonbooks reviewed Version 1 -
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wow that was disturbing. i loved it.
CourtshipLives reviewed Version 1 -
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love the device of “if you died tonight.” though, in the end it’s not clear to me why you use it. especially why it’s conditional in the last stanza. it implies that she’s near death but you dont describe how or why which sorta leaves me hanging. the whole piece gives me the impression that you have no problem/remorse taking her for granted while she’s alive but if she died, you’d treat her the way you didn’t have the courage to treat her while she was alive, the way she deserved to be treated. you’re almost saying “deep down, i love you, but you can never know.” nonetheless you have beautiful language and imagery:
“flowers or a tree or some sort of something
using your corpse as a fertilizer;
and it’d be just like the way it was when we were together.” <<< i don’t understand these lines but they intrigue me very deeply.
“I’d draw your portrait
on the sidewalk with the multi-colored chalk
my mother got me for my 9th birthday
and I only used once
but always kept in every garage or basement I’ve ever lived in,
and people would walk over your face,
smudging and erasing your eyes
and your smile, and the only ones that would stop to look
at you would be those that were already
staring down at their feet.” <<< that whole stanza is BRILLIANT!
“I wouldn’t miss you, but I’d trick myself
into thinking I did, so I’d cry
over my Cinnamon Toast Crunch
and be reminded that no matter how hard I try,
I’ll never again be a child.” <<<AMAZING!
“I’d finally quit smoking,
but I’d keep all my ashtrays.” <<< this also racks my brain. why would he keep the ashtrays?
aside from the drugs in stanza one, you have these juvenile images of sidewalk chalk and cinnamon toast crunch that makes me think they symbolize a life long relationaship, i.e. since childhood. if so, i love the way you fleshed that out rather than saying “we were childhood friends.”
i’d really appreciate you clarifying my questions. comment back. devastating piece. favoriting…
In_Miniature reviewed Version 1 -
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If I died tonight it would be good to know that someone was observing the rites. It conjured up clear images in my mind and it flowed beautifully.
metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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Before I actually clicked on the link for this one, I imagined some teenager’s overly wordy lament about lost love. I’m glad that you’ve pleasantly surprised me. Although I think that the premise (and title) is over-used, you’ve presented the idea in an original way.
Most people would not admit, poetically or otherwise, that they would not miss aspects of a person if they died. Your first stanza opened with this idea in a way that presented it well: you’d hide the body, then go on living because things wouldn’t change that much.
You then, slowly and methodically admit that there are some things you’d miss, you admit that you are complicit in some aspects of the relationship that don’t work, which turns the poem into a wonderful three dimensional sculpture, rather than a simple portrait.
This is one of my favorite poems on this website.
Yoko_cw reviewed Version 1 -
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I’m reviewing anyways. I adored this. It has a twisted amount of humor that had me laughing really hard. I wish I could add this to a favourites of some kind, just so I could cheer myself up with the morbidity.
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