Poetry / Office Girl 2 - The E-mail (Analysis)

I wish I had read part 1. :) Why the shift in pov? Her words, ME excited? Are these two separate characters? I think you might be trying to put too much into this form- perhaps a narrative form will allow you to fully develop the character and scenario. Just a thought… could be a companion piece. At any rate, it’s fun to play around with contemporary ways to tweak haiku. Good on you for going for it.

Awesome.  I am so glad you did this.  Keep going with more.  I like it this is like a story in short little poems!!

I read Office Girl but chose not to comment… anyway, I like this one a lot better. There are no “wasted” words and you use every syllable to your advantage. Perhaps you should post these in the “Haiku” section. This would make an interesting series…

I have the sneaking suspicion that this is supposed to be a hiku
“Icon- 2
makes- 1
me – 1
so – 1
excited – 3”
But there are 8 syllables in the 2nd line. I think “so” can be removed.

If this was meant to be in Haiku form…then the second line has too many syllables. If not, then I am confused by the poem. It doesn’t flow very well. Work on the rhythm and the choice of words.

This is an unbelievable amount of imagery and feeling stuffed into just a handful of words.  Others could take a lesson from this.  Less is more.  Very nice.