Haiku/Senryu / Friday

The image is at once ‘instant’ and accessible. I love the accordion and I shall probably see that now forever as it is both visual and aural. And… exceedingly appropriate for the way that traffic stretches and shrinks as it moves.

Good stuff.
Good stuff.
Good stuff.

Regards,

Bill

Greetings

I like it. It is current and concise. The only suggestion I would make is to get more mileage out of your title. Instead of just repeating part of the second line, use something that adds to the poem (California Dreaming). I am sure you can do better than my suggestion, but I thought it might help to get the idea across.

I like the image conveyed overall.  The widening and lessening of traffic, the sound of the accordian can also sound like honking horns in traffic which is a great sensory added.  You provide three things the sight, the sound and the frustration to get to something beautiful.  Overall it is eye and ear catching.

accordion-like works, but the word hour is usually two syllables, isn’t it_? What if you took out the word is? It’s really not even necessary.

I like this a lot. The first line is very original and descriptive of rush hour traffic. Only one thought on this for the haiku genre to tie the thought closer to humanity; what about changing the title to “Friday”. The lure of the beaches and the frustration of the traffic. It would also resolve the issue of repeating the title in the haiku.
Just a minor thought.
7/7/7/7/8

I like the first two lines. The last line I had to think about – and how it fitted in. That could just show my ignorance of this genre or it could mean it just didn’t fit in. The accordian is in and out – the traffic or rush hour slowing means coming together but the beaches calling is outside of this in and out movement.

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April 02, 2008

by splitmam

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FYI – Haiku usually starts with an image then ends with a twist.

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i think accordion is probably the best way to describe traffic. how it slows and stops forever before picking up and going faster. it’s a cycle. that takes forever. when all you really want to do is get to the beach or be anywhere but there. i’m not really very familiar with haiku’s, but i think you have an easily relate-able topic which is always a good start for any piece. good job. i was entertained.

Well this is an improvement over the last version.  ”Accordion-like” is an odd phrasing, though not as awkward as it might be.  I also find ‘grindingly’ awkward, and rarely used.  I will suggest a revision without changing your core words, based on the fact that you seem to want the 5-7-5 structure (not requisite in English, despite the popular misunderstanding) but your second line is 8 syllables.

an accordion
rush hour, grinding slowly
southern beaches call

You preserve and actually enhance the structural division between the lines.  Honestly, I’m still not a fan of the ‘grinding’ image as it’s not what an accordion does.  ”Breathing” would actually get you there, as it’s both a description of what the accordion does AND what you (presumably) would be doing in your car to keep yourself calm.

I’ve never thought of traffic as accordian-like, but that is such a great description!  Your diction is excellent, too.  With your last line, it gives a sense of end-of-the-week rush hour.  Kudos!