Poetry / What does Remain?

With poetic thems such as pain and agony, I prefer either a little more innuendo, or a more powerful voice…to call it out makes it less effective, at least for my taste. I’m also unclear on the last stanza…I don’t, actually, know the tale of which you begin. Sorry, I guess it just didn’t strike a chord for me.

dark, detailed, angry yet calm…really like it.

Nice!

I loved this! Especially where it says “My heart lay ripped asunder./I unveril the red stain,/Of betrayal as it seeps.” Please keep writing, this piece of work was very beautiful! Don’t be afraid to friend me so I can read some of your future works too! :)

great form and an intence meaning.i very much enjoyed reading this

Lines 1-4: I think that these first opening liones sound a bit mellowdramatic but seem to work just fine. I think also that a comma would sound better at he end of the third line. I think that the first three lines could have therid own verse because they represent a different idea than the fourth line.

Lines 5-9: I think that the fifth line should end with a period. i think that the seventh line would sound better as “come, see my torment.” I think that this verse could end with “my heart ripped asunder,” ansd that the next line should be the beginning of a new verse. This poem would be alot more coherent if you took my advice and broke it up into verses.

lines 10-16: I like these last lines. the simple subtle rythming is a good touch. it reminds me of the stuff i wrote a long time ago. i think maybe the only improvement here would be to cut down on artilce usage. an example of this would be to use “see what remains” istead of “see what does remain.”

Overall:i strongly suggest breaking up this poiem into stanzas. It is a much more classical style which would suit your more modern day topic, and also it would make this piece easier to read. You should also user more imagery to really evoke emotion in the reader because right now you are just showing us something. With some revision, this piece could be above average.