Hah. I don’t actually smoke. It’s just writing through the eyes of another, I suppose. Thanks for the comments.
Poetry / Sketch of Karma (Analysis)
There a brewing pot of coffee in the kitchen
and my ashtray’s full.
The whispers of this world have now
decided that I’m the fool.
And if I make it through the day, I just
might as well go to work,
Because pretty soon cash will be the only
light we have in the dark.
You pale eyes overflow and then the
cold floor turns to leave.
This life is how we live it and right now
we have all we need.
The pain is only temporary;
We can make it through.
All we need to medication and
a mindless job to do.
This coffee and these cigarettes are
now my only friends.
Each one tells a story,
how the other met his end.
This is where I started,
and this is where I will land.
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TimmysWifeyType reviewed Version 1 -
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You misspelled a few words, but overall I thought it was okay. A little confusing but pretty good.
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curtis_irion reviewed Version 1 -
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I was drawn in by the title right away, wehich always helps a piece. Nicely done. Now what?
I really liked a few of the stanzas, but a few also thre me off, and the flow and thrust of the peice altogether.
”And if I make it through the day, I just
might as well go to work,
Because pretty soon cash will be the only
light we have in the dark.”
Just like that one. I feel like it breaks your portrayal. Overall I like this much! Keep it up.
slenderpanther reviewed Version 1 -
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ow… It sounds like someone who is lonely and has been left… But it certainly tells a story and flows well also… keep writing!
meowby reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it. The second stanza I would change the wording to read:
And if I make it through the day, I
might as well just go to work,
The third stanza doesn’t make sense, I would change it so it reads like this:
You pale eyes overflow and then you
turn on the cold floor to leave.
The fourth stanza I would change:
All we need to medicate is
a mindless job to do.
I’m not sure if this is exactly what you mean to say, but these are my ideas to make the poem read better and make more sense. Keep up the great writing!
CAT
hippopotimoose_moo reviewed Version 1 -
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You’re fourteen and you’re smoking, wow. That makes me feel like the world has gone to hell in a handbasket already. Besides the fact that you’re fourteen and also drinking coffee and smoking cigarettes. . . puts face in hands and screams ANYWAY!!! I think that, maybe, whispers should be changed to whisperers, it would make more sense. I also don’t understand the part where the floor turns to leave or the part where you “land.” I know that “end” is far too sketchy of a word to use here but. .. land? Surely there’s something else? Anyways, you definitely have a talent worth shaping, everyone deos if they have to drive to do it.
Jimmel104 reviewed Version 1 -
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There is a theme here of quiet desperation, but it needs to be tightened up some.
EX:
L9,10, not sure they belong in this.
EX:
“All we need to medication and
a mindless job to do.”
Try:
All we need to medicate
a mindless job to do.
Maybe reverse S4 & S5
Last line is weak. Tie it in better.
Perhaps:
This is where it started,
this is where it ends.
Trim some of the articles, then read out loud and use your lines to help guide the reader where you want the emphasis.
You have a nice start, a little tweaking here and there and it will be a nice work.
6/8/8/6
MisterP reviewed Version 1 -
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14 years old and writing such misery! Cheer up for goodness sake.
All joking to one side I thought that, assuming this was a first draft, it was commendable. It does feel a little confused and again I suspect that is because of the rushed way it has been produced.
Words are odd things. Left alone in the dark they change and the next time you look at them they not those you so carefully made real. Put these words to sleep for a couple of weeks then come back to them. I think you’d be surprised what they will turn into if you give them a chance.
PhenominousMonahan reviewed Version 1 -
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There are a few small things I would do to this poem:
In the third stanza, change “You” to “Your”. (silly mistake)
In the second stanza, move “I just” to the second line. (Flows better, especially to the eye)
Omit the last two lines, or somehow incorporate them in the poem; It doesn’t really mean much to have them there.
Overall, I felt this was a good poem I loved the mood you set and the imagery. You have a lot of potential, so keep on writing.
wulfenstraat reviewed Version 1 -
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Have you read “Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas”? If you haven’t, you should. I think you’d find you have a commonality of vision with Thompson. How about “On the Road” by Kerouac, which your poem also reminds me of? your poem would probably sound even better if it were set to music, because it has that feel about it. I can even name some vocalists on whose lips these lines would trip ever so lightly. If you’re strictly a poet and have no aspirations to making money on a commercial song, then more power to you. You have a real gift, one way or the other.
Your style is very mature for your age. You have a good flow and a good sense of imagery. It doesn’t say on this review if you’re male or female, but I’d guess you’re a young man with an unusual depth of feelings, in fact, the ability to put yourself in another’s shoes and actually feel what they feel and and express what they feel. I hope you’re also writing short stories, because I’d like to see more of your intellect and talent than is revealed in such a short piece. Go get ‘em, tiger.
concarolinags reviewed Version 1 -
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I read a lot of poetry on here and yours is far better then most. Most of it is pretty good, but you have a real gift here.
Now, let me crush your dream. There are no famous poets int he world, nor does anyone make there living writing poetry. I tell this to about 10 people a day. I want you to do me a favor. I want you to go out and get a copy of the following books and read them.
“On the Road” by Jack Kerouac
“Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas” by Hunter S. Thompson (there is a lot of drug use in this.)
“The Catcher in the Rye.”
You have a very, very mature style for your age (thought you shouldn’t smoke or drink coffee). You have a good flow and a good sense of image and a heck of a lot of talent. I’d think this was written by a 30 something woman. Now, write something someone will read – a short story, a novel (You’d make a good novelist). Poetry is artsy, but who cares if your avante garte if they’ve never heard your name?
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