Poetry / PAVEMENT (Analysis)

Overall, the poem has got a gritty style that I enjoy. There are some words which I thought could have been left out: 2nd line “yet”, 6th line “ache” (I think it’ll give the poem better flow).

The imagery is great.

“in these jungles, the animals/walk upright./got Nikes for feet”
“got smog for thought/and junkfood for belly.”

There were some lines I didn’t get though.
“head lights of an L.A black & white”?
“tough cookies slanging cookies”?
What are these references to?

I think this needs to be a little tighter in terms of clarity. I get an idea as to the bullshit conditions which the narrator is telling the reader about but it could be a hundred time more vivid and powerfull if you focused on being more specific about said conditions.

done this with
what ive got  left yet.
position unsavory.

An example of what i am abot to say. It doesn’t sound to me like a poem more as things forced together. Even in poetry there needs to be flow and i can’t find it here. Read it out loud to your self and find a way to make it flow.

I’m going to have to say, above the rest, this is the best poem I’ve read in a very long time.  Just the content alone makes my like it.  I like to see people just keepin it real. Keep it up.

I would be able to judge the subject better if I knew the viewpoint of the author. overall I did find it hard to follow—to me it kind of ran together and in my humble opinion didn’t have much to do with the title.

This was awesome, I especially like the line acrobatic morality, isn’t that the truth.  I’m sorry if you were looking for like negative comments or things to improve on, I really love this the way it is.  

It’s got potential.  The Hip Hop rhythm is working but a litle bumpy here and there.  If you haven’t read it out loud do so, the bumps will show.  If you even think you feel them then it’s a gaurantee the reader will.

Example  ”and claim to not regret in hindsigh”
Change to “and claim not to regret in hindsight”

Little stuff can really change a poem.  
You gave me the street without any sensational bullshit so thank you.

GREAT IMAGERY, METAPHORS, (NIKES FOR FEET) I LOVE IT. LOOKS GOOD ON PAPER BUT, I’M SURE IS BETTER SPOKEN SO YOUR PASSION CAN GET IN THERE. KEEP DOING IT, DON’T LET LIFE, YOUR FRIENDS, OR FAMILY GET IN YOUR WAY. AS FAR AS THE RATING I GIVE YOU, IF YOU STOPPED IMPROVING NOW , WHERE DOES THAT LEAVE YOU IN THE FUTURE?

This is a good piece of work.  I like how you portrayed the people as animals.  Cool poem, only a couple punctuation errors, nothing major.  But maybe if you wanted to not only show the bad side of the people you are trying to portray, maybe you could say the reasons for the things they do.  Maybe go deeper into the issue, just a thought.  Good stuff anyway.

The piece has an edge to it. I think that with some capitialization and spacing between the key points would make it alot edgier. The nike reference along with the LA black and white flowed together nicely. I liked the hard edge of the poem.

Lovely use of comparison and metaphore. I loved how you compare things that I doubt anyone else could think of. No suggestion to make this one better ^^