It’s about a plant, rhe English bluebell.
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Poetry / Uninvited guest
And there she was one day in May
Head bowed with bright blue Pixie hat.
The head is hung in shame though
As if apologising for the imposition.
She is most welcome
But no amount of praise changes her mind.
She has such a long slender cygnet neck
Simultaneously fragile and strong.
It bends gently with the subtle breeze
Her forlorn head trailing in the wake.
She looks ever so sad.
But no amount of praise changes her mind.
What a fabulous emerald skirt she wears.
A multitude of shiny proud waxed satin folds.
Majestic flares to hide her legs
As if she has something to hide.
She doesn’t like her feet
But no amount of praise changes her mind.
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gbryananderson reviewed Version 1 -
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First off ratings/rankings: depends on what anthology you want to be published in. Go for specific anthologies you find in Poet’s Market, not anything on the internet that asks you to pay.
This poem is publishable. And, would make it through first reads. But you have a few errors that would get it “booted.” For example: capitalization, 5/6L on comma, last stz. ” feet/But” second stanza has a period but not the 1st or 3rd.
even though it is poetry we still deal with spelling, grammar, and syntax.
Plz. do not capit. each line. This is archaic. Ask yourself why you do this. What does it add to the poem. For a reader, it takes away cadence.
Understand these are nitpicking things, but in the end they will have you published or rejected. Sorry, that’s just the way it is. competition is fierce.
Well, if poetry is not on top what is? Because you have some great stuff here. It would get published.
Blessings, Gbryan. And, for God’s sake forgive my grammar.
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Ctoyboy3 reviewed Version 1 -
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well this was good i love the imagry and the message but the only thing that i didn’t understand – is this a real person or is this about a ghost?
Dexus reviewed Version 1 -
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A beautiful start. I believe you could, and in my opinion you should, add to it. It seems unfinished. Perhaps add a 4th stanza that fills us in on her secret, at least a little more if not completely.
Also I don’t see how the title fits with the poem. I don’t get the feeling that either subject is uninvited…
You have the descriptions down well! You have a wonderful way with words, and the poem is constructed very neatly. I can picture her in my mind almost perfectly, and yet at the same time I can’t see the connection between the characters. And I only have a whisp of a feel for what is transpiring between them.
I think the next version, if you choose to revise, will be the masterpiece :)
Well done. And good luck!
sadpoet reviewed Version 1 -
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You should reconsider your favorites, you’re pretty damn good!
Although it seems as though I am reading a piece from a novel, it still feels like poetry. I love your use of detail and color in creating vision.
“Head bowed with bright blue Pixie hat.” The emerald stands out as well.
I see the woman, the shame, the indifference to praise. A head-strong woman indeed! Descriptive pieces are grand!
“She has such a long slender cygnet neck
Simultaneously fragile and strong.”
Your point is precise and leaves the reader understanding despite her revolt. Thank you for the opportunity!
Budderflibecks reviewed Version 1 -
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I honestly feel as though you wrote this with a good understanding of what a woman who may have less than an adequate amount of self esteem does, it shows when someone doesn’t feel too good about themselves or their situation… I enjoyed the way you described her actions, as if she were locked inside of her own un-assuredness, and she has fear maybe of opening up. This poem conveys warmth from your point of view as well. The way you illustrated her mannerisms, and reiterated how no amount of compliments or telling her that she is the opposite of what she sees in herself could change her mind. Excellent title as well. I can relate because I have just recently came out of an insecure shell, and I am still working diligently at changing my perspective on life and self. There are times now and they are coming closer together when I actually enjoy being inside of my own skin (lol)!
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