Thanks, I wasn’t backing away from confusion, so if you were interested and confused I think I may have scored a double play.
Non-fiction / 8 Simple Questions
Recently I spent an afternoon with my mother, sister, and nephew. This afternoon was fraught with questions, from my mother (When are you and Kate having children?), my sister (So did you finish your book yet?), and my nephew (Who is going to win the Steelers or the Broncos?) The answers were easy. Soon. Soon, hopefully. And Steelers. Of the three I was most confident about the Steelers because 1)my wife has been very sketchy with her birth control lately, 2)writing a book seems so much easier before you realize how difficult it is not to make money, and 3)It was obvious that the Steelers D was going to shut down choke artist Jake the Snake.
Armed with all of this knowledge, and feeling incredibly wise, I decided to take on some more difficult questions.
1) To be or not to be?
This is a very subjective question, sort of like ‘Hot or Not?’ Personally, having experience suffering the slings and arrows of a lack of fortune due to some seriously bad jobs, I wouldn’t altogether rule out ‘Not to Be.’ Sure perchance you may have a bad dream, but that’s just as likely if you eat bad shellfish or watch ‘Saw’ right before you go to bed. Now there’s no question that it is nobler ‘To Be,’ but nobility is highly overrated and as we can see through British royalty, often based on inbreeding. As I am a fan of neither, I will say ‘Not To Be’ and move on.
2) If the sky is the limit, then what in space, over the limit?
This one is tricky because it deals with science, which is not my specialty. It’s really not my fault. My 8th grade earth science teacher could never remember my name so he took to calling me Rainbow because he knew it started with an R. I damned that R. The kid who sat next to me was named Kevin and he got to be called Konga, which was a hell of lot less embarrassing, and a hell of lot more masculine. So you can see why my grades went downhill. As for the question, I feel there is probably one simple answer. The sky + 1. This always worked with that pesky infinity issue when arguing with my sister. Of course, that always opens up the door to the sky + 2, the sky + 3, etc. Should the debate over the sky become a pissing contest with someone I suggest avoiding the sky + infinity and jumping straight to the sky + the sky. For some reason, infinity + infinity always won for my sister despite my claims for infinity + infinity +1.
3) Does practice make perfect?
This is another one that has boggled my mind, mostly because I have been told repeatedly over time that nobody’s perfect, for instance when I played tennis and couldn’t slow down my second serve and during sex when I couldn’t slow down my first. In each case, practice did actually resolve the problem at hand, but in neither has it removed doubt from the equation, as I still do double fault at least once a match and still have a tendency to think about Kate Winslet’s nude Titantic scene at the wrong moment. So with that in mind, I don’t think that practice makes perfect and would tend to agree that nobody’s perfect. I do however marvel at Scarlett Johansson�s beauty and talent though and think that she may in fact be perfect by the time she’s 25, therefore negating this whole answer. Stay tuned.
4) What does it mean to be caught between a rock and a hard place?
Seems to me that most rocks I’ve ever encountered were pretty damn hard, so are we to believe that we are caught between a hard and a harder place, or is this rock we speak of made of some kind of sponge? Now if we’re using one of those foam rocks that work as set pieces in Superman movies, then I really don’t think being caught between the 2 is that big a deal. Just toss aside the spongy one. Now if we’re talking about being caught between a rock and another rock that gets dicier. If one rock were smaller than the other, first try lifting the smaller one because depending upon the density of the molecules within the stone, the smaller one would tend to be the lighter one. If they are approximately the same size and weight, and you find yourself truly stuck, don’t panic, simply call 911 on your mobile phone if it is handy or call out for help using that phrase, ‘Help me please, I am caught between a rock and rock.’ Do not call out, ‘Help me please, I am caught between a rock and a hard place’ because many may misinterpret your connotation and see your dilemma as purely psychological, when in fact you are physically endangered.
5) Is ignorance bliss?
I don’t know. And that fact doesn’t make me any happier, so you figure it out.
6) How many roads must a man walk down to know he is a man?
For me it was 206. I remember that day very well, I was about 15 and I came to the end of Maidstone Lane in Amagansett, NY on my way to the beach. Just at the intersection of Maidstone and Marine I thought to myself, wow, I feel different. I feel as if I could provide for a family, drink whisky straight, or go to war. Then I bought a rocket pop from the ice cream man and went boogie boarding. Now this is going to be different for everyone, for instance I didn’t walk that much as a kid because my mom didn�t trust me or NJ drivers or something. Also, if you grew up on a farm and walked to town you’d be hitting up some really long roads, which is quite unfair. I mean. are NYC kids men earlier simply because city blocks are shorter than country blocks? I think not. Still, the answer is that it’s different for every man. For reference though, if you haven’t become a man by the time you’ve walked 1000 roads, then you might want to see a doctor.
7) Is a picture worth a thousand words?
Also subjective because I don’t really get art so much. I enjoy it, but if you take me to a Jackson Pollack retrospective, I see lines and paint splatters, not the meaning of war against a lavender mist. And I’m a writer, so imagine how few words an accountant or a mute might have? I don’t doubt that a picture is worth a thousand words to some people, but keep in mind that 1 US dollar equals 1,532 Iraqi Dinars at the moment so everything is relative.
And finally:
8) Is money the root of all evil?
Very difficult to say. For instance, if it were, then I would like to think that churches wouldn’t ask for donations. I mean that’s just a conflict of interests right there. Still, ‘all evil’ is a really large concept; so to blame everything that goes wrong in the world on money seems a bit short sighted. Granted we go to wars over money, people get raped and murdered over money, and Donald Trump somehow seems to remain in the public eye because of money. For all of that, I’ll give you that money is problematic, but the ‘root of all evil’ I cannot accept so long as it’s the people doing the bad things. So until a dollar bill is charged with the murder of Nicole Brown Simpson, I’ll go about blaming OJ and throwing some blame for evil on my ex-girlfriends.
Now you’d think being able to answer all these, I could sit here and resolve some of the serious problems our society faces, from poverty to war and plague.
Of course that will have to wait because my wife just asked me to take the garbage out and we all know what my answer has to be.
You need to log in to urbis or create an urbis account to review this writing.
Reviews
Sort Reviews by Newest | Oldest | Highest Quality | Lowest Quality | Newest Comments |
sisterjinx reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
This is great. This is one of those things that I don’t expect to laugh at or really even get into and then it suprises you. GREAT questions and hillarious answers.
- add/view comments (0)
im1grlegrl reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
I think this has potential to be a nice piece. I dont think it flows well at all right now. Just a personal preference but I dont like the usage of numbers ie; 123 as opposed to one two and three. But that is probably just me.
I do think it gets a little confusing in “the sky is the limit” paragraph. I could not follow that at all but maybe this falls into the category of “not to be” as in maybe it is “not to be” for me to be smart enough to figure it all out.
I also think and just my opinion that you missed an incredible opportunity to be really funny in “Ignorance is Bliss” and really draw your reader into your world.
It seems like there are to many directions going here that dont get enough attention. From you family and birth control to OJ. I would try to liven up the rock section by taking out some of the technical stuff or maybe just changing it up a bit more. I had trouble keeping focus through here.
Overall, I think it is a good start. The piece right now doesnt really flow in any one direction and it seems kind of flat at the end. I would maybe think about livening up that ending as you have a good premise there to do it.
January 25, 2006
Deleted User
Review of Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Wow. You kept me interested; boggled my mind; and made me wonder on your logic! I’m still confused about The Sky + 1 + Infinity and all, though! (Math never was my strong point). Over all, a thought provoking piece—even if provoked by confusion. Thank you!
hisredhead reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
Everything just flows so well in this. It is a great use of dry humor, which I enjoyed very much. I particularly enjoyed the answer to #4, it gave me a nice chuckle. Thank you for the smile.
Namid reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100%% of the Item
LOL. Very funny and original piece. I am curious as to what spurred you to write this and/or if you have larger goals for this piece. It’s hard to see it in a larger context, and I certainly think it can stand on its own.
I loved the fact that you went right along with Shakespeare in the first answer.
2) If the sky is the limit, then what in space, over the limit? Should that in be an is? And I am so sorry you got called Rainbow…That’s horrible!
I laughed my ass off for the rock & a hard place. Now I know what to call out when in need ;)
Amagansett, huh? You are out in the middle of nowhere there. Cute town. Great place to become a man :)
I would love more from your answers (more details, more humor), but I had a great read. Thanks for sharing your insight!
Showing 1 - 6 of 6
Review item
Add to favesCreator
Relevant Links
Item Stats
GENERAL
6 Reviews 7 Comments
Version 1
Latest Activity: about 1 year ago
REVIEW QUEUE
Appeared in Queue: 0 Times
Skipped: 0 Times
Ratings & Rankings
