Haiku/Senryu / Roses

Good lines.  If it were mine, I’d put the last line first.  The progression is better.  

Loved the descriptive wording used in this haiku, therefore I gave you all nines on your ratings.

The only reason I didn’t give you a ten for this haiku, is because of the title. The titles used in haiku to me, should always be the summary or expression given to one after reading it. (As maybe – The Awakening.)

Overall it’s a really lovely haiku.

Best wishes to you.

I like the second line. The other two lines are a little clichéd.

Very nice. It’s very descriptive, and very clear. There’s not much I can say about it thats negative.

this is really excellent rhythm, especially line two. your only small problem is that the ‘kissed’ of L3 actually sounds like we are expecting it to be temporally joinged with the ‘night’ just previous to it. do you see the problem?

i therefore think it would work better if you localised the temporality in L3 to the ‘night’ of L2. the on;y thing you’d lose would be the day/night/morning transition of the present version, but i think that’s worth losing in order to make the transition to ‘kissed’ more in line with ‘night’ which, at present, we are rhythmically expecting.

it’s great thoough, and it’s no big complaint.

9 as stands, and line 2 is a 15 for a brilliant rhythm – as good a rhythm as i’ve seen on any line in a haiku here.

good work.

10 for talent.

This is a very nice haiku.  Especially for your first try.  Your strongest word is ‘kissed’, while the rest is very simple and descriptive.  You might be able to strengthen further with synonyms for ‘bloom’ and ‘closing’ which would make me score you higher.  But that’s really a minor thing.  Keep writing!

Just from reading this alone I believe that the talent is there. You have a style where it is more old-fashion which isn’t bad at all. I also believe that this alone is closed form which is done off of an pattern or an old technique that some times can be gone unheard of if the reader or the view of your work does not notice it.

I also believe you could really shape your talent up by writing poems in this text and pattern. This type of pattern that you write in is more modern in today’s books and can have an impact on an audience when read instead of viewed.

I also believe that you should keep writing because it is a whole lot of people that love reading and hearing stuff like this that gives them the joy of something short and right to the point and not only that if gives me as the viewer/ reader something to really think about after I finish reading this.

Keep writing. I will review more of your work… Peace and may God be with you and good luck in any future career in writing.. I believe you have the skill set to do so and be successful in what you do with this…

• add/view comments (1)

April 09, 2008

by UncleHarry

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
16	60.0% (20 votes)	41.2%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
14	M	Mckinleyville, CA	June 07

This was my first piece. Thank you so much!

You must login to the site or create an account in order to post a comment.

you don’t have to have the periods or caps
it has imagery

It’s ok,
i’m new to this too.
I think your haiku is really good.
it is a great start.

I’m surprised how that haiku makes me think. Good job, you capture words well :)