Young Adult / Chapter 2 Part 2 "go strong bobby" (Analysis)
Chaper 2 PT 2: “Go strong Bobby”
On the day of my mother’s funeral, the sky was dark with clouds, it rained. Hard. It was as if the sky knew, and was mourning her death. The sky was my best friend that day. I could feel its pain.
I remember how I stared at the coffin willing it to set free the woman who it held in a prison far away from me. It dangled her on a string and I couldn’t reach her. God would come down touch my mother’s cold cheek and suddenly with his magic, my mother would come back to life. Everyone would scream and run around, but I… I would open my arms and say “I just wanted to tell you one last time, that I loved you, you can go back to heaven now!”
This never happened, I just held the note she gave me in her ending days, held onto it with all my might cursing everything but the sky and everything in it who felt dead with me.
On our ride home from the funeral my brother and I rode in the back. My father had left us with our aunt Hilary, who was my mother’s sister. She was beautiful like my mother, tall, well figured. Her hair was blonde like Marilyn Monroe; I do believe that she had one of those moles too. That day at the funeral the beauty was stripped away. Like when you peal and apple and all you have left is the ugly white. Her hair was done up and the make-up that was usually was not, she was totally covered not like when she used to come over after coming from the city.
I think her eyes may have rained more than the sky that day. Does loosing your sister hurt more than losing your mother?
“Why do you wear black to funerals?” I asked pulling the ugly tie off that dad had made me wear.
“Well Bobby, I don’t really know. I think its because we are sad?” my aunt said back as we turned into our drive way.
The sight of our broken home burned my eyes. The memories would never go away.
“I don’t want people to be sad when I die, I don’t want black. I want balloons, and everyone to wear yellow suits and spring dresses with bright yellow flowers on them. I want a party… a birthday party,” I yelled and my aunt looked back, smiled, “Will do Bobby, will do.”
X X X
The day my mother died our family died too. It was like she was our life support holding all the cracked mortar together; she was the iron rods that construction builders put in the cinder blocks to keep them from toppling over onto you and crushing your bones.
Even though my father did not cry at the funeral, I heard him cry many times, I think his bones got chrushed. I would lay awake in bed listening to his sobs; I would imagine him there lonely in his bed clutching onto my mothers pillow as if she were there. He was broken. And I believe that was why he left us to the drinking.
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This 228 word review has not been unlocked.
Very concise, well-crafted story. I would suggest re-wording the sentence:
“I remember how I stared at the coffin willing it to set free the woman who it held in a prison far away from me.”
It is a little hard to read the way it is written.
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This 52 word review has not been unlocked.
This was sad and poignant and quite well-written. At times it seemed to glide by too hastily, as if you were in a hurry to set it all down. If it is a chapter of a book, then I think you have enough length in the story as a whole to go more slowly hear. There are sometimes when a story can have too much pace – as in this case where I think we need to take the emotions and feelings a little slower.
Very good writing. I lost my mother 2yrs. ago and this piece brought back some very deep emotions. You have great structure,though you will have to work on your rhythm.
Some editing mistakes I found:
Page 1
“peal and apple”—should be ‘peel an apple’
Page 2
“I think his bones got chrushed”—should be crushed
I see you’re 15 and, like I do, you have some more practice to accomplish before your writings become great. I have not read the beginning so I am a little lost and may not be of much help.
I think the idea is good, but the story could be better written. In some places I was bored and my attention span shot down, but the ending of it surprised me because I wasn’t prepared for it. Whether or not the ending was strong enough to back up the beginning is difficult to say based on other people’s opinion, but to me, I think you still need to make the beginning stronger.
Great effort and good luck with the rest of the story. (:
This 180 word review has not been unlocked.
This 194 word review has not been unlocked.
It was a short read, but I still felt a bit of the solemnity and broken spirit that arises from being at such a place. The relationships are put together well, and I can see this, with more development, going very far.
Overall, me likey. Thanks for the read.
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