Yeah, I have a problem with using too many adverbs. I’ll cut down on them. Thanks for bringing it to light!
Oh, and Miranda will make breakfast in the next chapter, and your other questions will be explained in later chapters ;)
Novel Treatments / Miranda Vane
“Right this way, dear,” said the old woman warmly, gesturing into the room with a
skeletal hand. Miranda sat in the overstuffed red chair and looked around her. The walls were plastered with all kinds of strange objects. Miranda’s eyes picked out a clock shaped like a serpent’s head, its tongue serving as a pendulum; a long, sharp-looking sword inscribed with letters she had never seen before; a small plate, the size of a teacup saucer, on which was painted a man with two heads, one handsome and heroic, the other snakelike and villainous.
Next to her was a round table made of mahogany, on which sat a small plate of cookies. Miranda looked at them suspiciously, half afraid that they were poisoned and half longing to eat all of them. After a moment’s deliberation, she took one and bit off a minuscule piece, reasoning that a bite that small wouldn’t kill her.
“Well, eat up!” cried the old woman. Miranda jumped. She had forgotten the woman was still there.
“W-What?” said Miranda, holding the cookie halfway to her mouth and staring stupidly.
“They’re delicious,” said the woman, and then puffing up a little bit, added, “I made them myself.”
Miranda didn’t want to offend the old woman, so she took a large bite out of the cookie. It was, indeed, delicious. She flashed an awkward smile to the old woman and chewed for a long time, swallowed slowly, and took another bite.
“Good, aren’t they?” said a deep, unfamiliar voice. Miranda jumped once more and spun around. A tall, handsome young man looked down at her with a curious grin on his face.
“Wuffayoo,” said Miranda, her mouth full of cookie. She blushed slightly at her own bad manners, but the man didn’t seem to mind. In fact, he was beaming.
“Name’s Dave,” he said, stepping forward and taking her hand. She smiled uncomfortably and wondered if he wanted her to shake it. He leaned down and lightly kissed her hand with reverence. Miranda felt even more uncomfortable now and wished he would let go.
“Mandi! Mandi! MANDI!”
Miranda Vane opened her eyes with a start. Her 8-year-old brother, Jacob, was standing over her, his head cocked to one side.
“You were talking in your sleep,” he said simply, staring at her intently.
“Was I?” said Miranda, rubbing the sleep out of her eyes. “What did I say?”
“I dunno,” replied Jacob. “I couldn’t understand it, it was kinda mumbling… can I have a hug?”
Miranda sighed. “Lemme get out of bed first, okay?” she said irritably.
Now it was Jacob’s turn to sigh. “Fine,” he said, crossing his arms. “Be that way.”
Miranda stretched out as far as she could on her bed, accidentally-on-purpose pushing Jacob with her arm. She pushed off her covers and slid out of bed.
“Arrgh! I’m melting, Jacob, I’m melting! Saaave me!” she cried, trying to look agonized.
Jacob laughed. “Want to have breakfast?” he asked, helping her up off the floor.
“Sure,” Miranda said. “But first, I think I owe you a great big hug!” She grabbed Jacob, lifted him in the air, and squeezed him tight. He giggled and struggled to be released, shouting, “Let me go, Mandi! You’re squishing me!” Miranda laughed and spun round in circles. Finally, after an especially loud squeal from Jacob, she put him down. He ran out of the room, shouting, “I’ll beat you to the kitchen!”
“I bet you will,” Miranda called back, not bothering to chase him. She made her bed carefully – as she did every morning – and tidied up the small mess she had made the night before while painting. Miranda loved to paint; she even had a wall in her room devoted to a mural she had painted herself. There were all sorts of things on this wall; in one place, the beginnings of a forest, in another, a bustling city full of people, each one with a distinct face. Of the faces, she was especially proud. Some resembled people she knew, others she had made up off the top of her head. She studied the people in appreciation.
Then something caught her eye.
There was the man from her dream, Dave, in her mural. He was staring straight at her, waving motionlessly with a painted arm. Miranda could not remember putting him there, but sure enough, there he was. She touched the spot where Dave was standing gingerly; instantly, she fell to the ground, pulling her hand off the wall to break her fall with it. She sat on the floor for a moment, befuddled; she closed her eyes and shook her head to compose herself, then looked up at the spot where Dave was painted.
He was gone.
Miranda stood up and studied the entire mural, but she couldn’t find him. Had she just imagined he was there? Was her dream still floating around in her head?
“Where are you?” Miranda whispered at the wall. She held up a hand to touch it, then thought better of it and brought her arm back to her side.
“Mandi, come to breakfast,” called Jacob from the kitchen. Miranda snapped out of her stupor and looked toward the open door.
“Coming!” she called, jogging to the door. Just before she exited, she stopped for one more glance at her mural.
“MANDI!” called Jacob again. Miranda tore her eyes from the wall.
“Coming! I’m coming,” she called, putting the strange occurrence to the back of her mind… for now.
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Protagoras reviewed Version 4 -
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You can spell miniscule both ways (see dictionary.com)
Right this way, dear < ‘right, this way, dear’ OR ‘right, this way dear’ (unless it is to the right, as in ‘not left’, but i think you mean as in ‘OK then, this way’
Try to ‘tell’ less in the intro. ‘old’ might be ‘grey haired, hobbling’ for example (plus, you already do a good job with ‘skeletal hand’ so it’s a shame to rob your own description with the preceding ‘telling’
Gesturing into < gesturing towards (otherwise sounds like her hand is moving physically into that space)
and looked around her < delete ‘her’
objects. Miranda’s < colon better than period
nice first para.
and bit off a minuscule piece <in this sentence, transpose the last two elements: i.e. first say she reasoned that x and then that she took the bite
offend the old woman <delete ‘the old woman’
so she took a large bite < delete ‘she’ (there are many such things as this in your writing – try to omit superfluous words, tighten it up)
, and took another bite < try ‘then’ instead of ‘and’
Handsome < try to show not tell again here. describe his appearance so we can see him more than just ‘tall’
grin on his face < delete last three words
simply, staring at her intently. < try to minimise adverb use. It’s considered a trait of new writers. It looks especially amateur when you huddle two together like this. PLus, try to put thought into your verb choice in terms of inventive use as into adjectives etc.
nice para on the paintings
I think this is excellent, i really do. I thought it was well-written, well-paced, and with a metaphysically intriguing story set to unfold.
You have a talent for description, but be careful not to cheapen it with adverbs. It is almost worth saying to yourself that you will just go back and delete 2/3 of yoour adverbs. Trust me, things’ll look better after: over-adverbiality is closely related to telling not showing.
Good luck finishing this.
Plus, polite advice: try not to have more than 3 criteria, or people will just rush them and it’s a fraction irritating.
Best of luck,
P
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DCAllen reviewed Version 4 -
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A nice, mysterious beginning. But is this actually the beginning? You start with dialogue, which of course isn’t a problem, but I wanted to know just a little bit more about the place.
I don’t usually comment on this, but I think in your case it would be good to go through and doubt all of your -ly adverbs (said warmly, smiled uncomfortably, said irritably, staring intently for example). Using these adverbs occasionally is not a problem, but you tend to lean on them quite heavily. Finding verbs that express these ideas would be a good exercise, and this would also strengthen your prose.
Is Miranda’s eight-year-old brother making breakfast? Who else is in the house? Where are the parents?
derekosborne reviewed Version 4 -
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“Next to her was a round table made of mahogany”
Don’t confuse detail with focus. ”a round wooden table” is fine. Who cares if it’s oak or mahogany or walnut, unless you are commenting on the value of the table, which here does not add to the scene.
“Wuffayoo,” Clever without being amateur. Nice device.
Nice transition from the dream to reality. Not awkward, no decalaritve sentence as most would do. Really good.
“Miranda loved to paint; she even had a wall in her room” The rest of your narrative makes it clear that Miranda loves to paint. Don’t make conclusions for the reader. You have already led them to make this conclusion.
“She sat on the floor for a moment, befuddled; she closed her eyes and shook her head to compose herself, then looked up at the spot where Dave was painted.” Run on, poor punctuation. Get a copy of William Strunk’s “Elements of Style” and memorize it.
Remember, all treatments require a simple plot line summary and overall intention in order to interest and agent/publisher. This is an interesting premise. You’re a good writer. Keep writing and promoting.
caravans reviewed Version 4 -
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Just a bit of general criticism. Give us what we need to know and nothing more unless you think it really helps – like: ‘so she took a large bite out of the cookie..’ We already know she has a nibbled coolie in her hand so what else could she possibly take a bite of? – ‘so she took a large bite.’ is enough.
What does wuffayoo mean?
..the back of her mind… for now. – this doesn’t work. You are in the past so it would be better to say – for the moment, not – for now.
(a round table made of mahogany, on which sat a small plate of cookies) It might help to do some streamlining (but this is just style) like with this sentence. Why not just: a round mahogany table with a plate of cookies on it
Also, the dream sequence doesn’t seem much like a dream, perhapy because she wonders if she should do – whatever. In my dreams things just happen, fast and disjointedly.
Anyhow it’s a good start!
LMPATE reviewed Version 3 -
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This is an excellent start. You are very talented. You do well with descriptive wording and the characters come alive for me. I recommend that you put some more description in her “real” world. What was she wearing? What did her room look like? Did she have a colored quilt on her bed or a blanket? Put me in the room like you put me in the dream. Did she smell toast being made in another room? Just ideas but so far; very well written and good story line. Great catch to keep the interest.
witchj23 reviewed Version 3 -
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ok..wheres the rest :D i would really love to read more of this. you did a great job of pulling one in, but not with over the top antics, just with lick of curiosity that whispers of whats to come. you do have some exceding long sentences. (ie: Miranda’s eyes picked out a clock shaped like a serpent’s head, its tongue serving as a pendulum; a long, sharp-looking sword inscribed with letters she had never seen before; a small plate, the size of a teacup saucer, on which was painted a man with two heads, one handsome and heroic, the other snakelike and villainous.) maybe look into creating a few different lines from this one. but over all i really enjoyed and look forwarded to reading more!
Iwrite reviewed Version 3 -
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Overall, well done. You do a good job establishing the relationship between brother and sister, as well as Mandi’s character. It feels natural how you introduce things and background information. You definitely can write.
Now I’m going to nit pick a little.
There are a few grammar things that need to be fixed. I’m not sure if the use of semi-colons is 100% correct at the beginning. But heck, I’m not the grammar police.
As for the writing. Be aware of repetition of information and over use of adjectives and adverbs. For example
(... gesturing into the room with a thin, skeletal hand.) – in this sentence you don’t need both the words ‘thin’ and ‘skeletal’. ‘Skeletal’ is enough because skeletal hands is pretty much the same as thin hands.
(Miranda jumped, startled;) – in the context of this sentence, the text doesn’t need ‘startled’. When the text says, Miranda jumped, the reader knows that she was startled. It kind of over states things and disrupts the flow when both jumped and startled are used.
Now, in terms of plot, the part when Mandi touches the wall, I’m not sure if this works or not. Part of me thinks it’s fine but another part of me thinks that maybe it’s too early to reveal something like that. Maybe keep her paintings a little bit more of a mystery for now then reveal a little more later. But you’re the author, you decide.
I hope this helps. Good luck
John W.
Oakam_Claus reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, since its not finished, I won’t completely bomb it, but I was going to say what happened, you just cut it off.
You had a very liable story building up though and I’m excited to see where this goes.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 1 -
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Well there’s a lot of work here to do. I enjoyed both scenes in this vignette but neither explain or elucidate the other; there’s a disjointing here. You need to link them. Also, both scenes are incomplete and we need more elaboration.
What is the importance of the woman? What does it mean to Miranda? What about the man? What about the cookie? These are her dream so they must have symbolic meaning and since we are neither in your head or Miranda’s head (really) we need you to explain the meaning of those.
The return to home is ok but we need more elaboration on Miranda’s relationship with her brother. Who is he? What is their relationship like?
The language is good and seems to flow ok. I think there’s some work to be had with word choice but that I think minor to the overall flow, which is good.
Since you’re 16 you’ll develop with time and practice. Keep writing.
esotericgirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I really liked it a lot. The nightmarish images of the old womans house were interesting and I’d love to see where that goes. I love the dichotomy of the dream world to her reality. And her little brother is a sweet character. I would love to see him maybe go into this dream world with her somehow. It has a sort of Harry Potter-esque quality, or at least, I could see it going that way. I also think there is something in the fact that she would be the one making her little brother breakfast and that he would be the one to wake her up in the morning. The absence of parents is kind of exciting; two kids taking care of each other. I like that. Some kind of adventure for the little girl and her brother in this nightmarish world would be a great story to pursue. I hope I’ve been somewhat helpful. Good luck with it.
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