Two beautiful things that coexist, but can never meet, I think that it’s sad. If I knew something I could never meet, I think that would make me miss it even though I haven’t met it. I don’t know…it’s my crazy way of thinking. Thank you for your review.
Poetry / Love and Hate (Analysis)
I miss you like the sun misses the rain
I miss you like the sky misses the ground,
I’ve tried my best to work through the pain
It hurts so much with you not around,
I need you like the stars need the night
I need you like a shoe needs its mate,
Without you nothing seems to be right
Without you nothing can ever be great,
The tears I’ve cried have completely emptied me
You’re the only person I ever allowed to see,
My armor was down, my heart could break
Now I have nothing left to give for Gods sake!
I hate you for this now but once my heart is back together
There will be nothing that I can not weather,
In time these pieces are bound to mend,
Oh me! My love for you will never end.
You’re the person I’d love to hate, and HATE to love….
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sweetness reviewed Version 1 -
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AnAuralessFigure reviewed Version 1 -
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This was a very emotional peice, and i must say that i liked it a lot. My favorite part of this was “The tears I’ve cried have completely emptied me
You’re the only person I ever allowed to see” i felt it had the most impact to me. The only thing i had a problem with was the length, beyond that it was great. Cant wait to read the story!
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metaphoricalsimile reviewed Version 1 -
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You say this piece is not for review, but do have one criteria: is it understandable? Given that, I’ll make a remark on your first two similes: they are not easily understandable, as the sky does not “miss” the ground, and the sun does not “miss” the rain. They are objects that exist independantly of one another: the rain only falls when the sun is hidden, and the sky and the ground can never meet. If you were trying to show that the narrator does NOT miss the subject of his or her ruminations then it would be an effective poetic ploy, but that does not seem to be the point of this poem.
JamesPatrick reviewed Version 1 -
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At first I wanted to say that your poem was repetitive and cliched, but as I continued to read, I started to really enjoy your order to chaos format. You articulated the feel of heartbreak well, I think most people will be able to empathize, but I wonder if the poem is too specific. I thought it was also neat how you differentiated the hates in the last line. They don’t mean the same thing, do they?
While I like this poem, I wonder if it can survive outside yourself. Regardless, for a letter of emotion, this poem reads very well.
blossom_art reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah the familiar cry of teenage angst. You said that you really did not want reviews that is fine. It is yes a little cliche’ but how can it not be really when you are 18 and feeling what you are feeling. I am sure that if i went thru one of my own old journals there would be something very very similar and as you said you just needed to vent and get it out. Well as the cliche’ saying goes “Better out, than in” pain and unhealthy sadness/hurt bottled up and not released will only cause you sickness and more pain. Glad you shared it and released it, that of course does not mean that it will not be forgotten, simply as you said the pain will be remembered but not feltso deeply anymore, just reflected upon as a time/experience you had to go through. Good luck, sometimes the best writing comes automatically from our own painful journeys.
BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 -
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This is nice poem. You expressed your emotions to loosing him well. You might consider re-wording some of your verses so they flow better. 1st verse- consider changing the 2nd and 3rd line around. same for verse 2. consider adding ‘nothing at all’ before ‘seems right’.Verse 3- consider ‘drained’ instead of emptied. I ever allowed-consider ‘that ever saw me’. -my heart could break-consider ‘my heart you did break’.verse 4- consider removing the word back put comma after nothing. last line- consider dropping oh me and put ‘but’. on the end, maybe add-is now my fate. Just some suggestions. see what you think! Good Job.
Andrew_Tortora reviewed Version 1 -
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Pretty simple to understand. I enjoyed it all with the exception of this line “I need you like a shoe needs its mate”. Seems a pit silly and out of place.
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