thanks very much! :)
Haiku/Senryu / Stone Mother (Analysis)
Petrified angel
With your eyes of fire and blade
Rise against the light
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Rylan reviewed Version 1 -
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MrEff reviewed Version 1 -
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SoonToBeAuthor115 reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how you show a young girl with the will/curiosity to get away from the mother and fend for herself.
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Picklez reviewed Version 1 -
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A powerful haiku which i like the idea behing immensely.Normally i don’t review or enjoy haikus but in 13 words you managed to paint an amazingly vivid picture. kudos!
thepierunner reviewed Version 1 -
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8/10/9
First, publishable overall can hinder your artistry since generally speaking, people can see this a satanic or just plain dumb. Of course, the eight stands for the rest of the spiritualy inclined/ spiritual-trend inclined who would admire this haiku as something they could follow in their daily life. It’s iffy for both cases, but still great if published.
Second, I’m still not clear on the context of the phrase, “worth shaping,” but, yes, it has an incredibly high level to shape the normal outlook of both religion and the everyday woman into something better than what the general populace has placed, to “rise against the light” of publicity and glamourizations. As for personal shaping, yes, you have a sense of constructing poetic tone within simple terms producing strong convictions. Just a little more practice in experimenting different styles like short story and journal.
Third, if I connect the title to the haiku I end up getting something dark, not evil, and how the visual/ organic imagery of the “eyes” embodies the emotions within the characters/ protagonist. Even the light can be controlled by evil sometimes.
AmyWalker reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow it started off great but then I think it fell kinda short I was expecting something else well in terms of the ending I expecting a more explosive ending. The wording is amazing, I luurve everything about it, it’s just that ending maybe I shouldn’t have gotten too far ahead of myself but I thought it was great but I’m still expecting an ending.
Thanks for the read.
Amy
be reviewed Version 1 -
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Wow mother earth incarnate, fall on her and she breaks you,
really a very incredible Haiku, I had to read it several times to think about it. superbly thought out. there is even a time shift in there, very nice.
cnguyen reviewed Version 1 -
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I found this to be a very effective depiction of a statue. ”eyes of fire” is very effective. The use of ‘your’ (as if talking to the object) adds personality.
joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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I think, in terms of form, lower case lines 2 & 3. Eyes of fire and blade? Not sure what blade means. Doesn’t seem to go w/ fire. Like the last line and the personification of the stone to the petrified angel. Interesting.
teaddub reviewed Version 1 -
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You have managed to match the strict form of the senryu more closely than most I have seen here, Kudos for that. As closely, in fact, as it is possible to do so in the English language. Your last line, I don’t know about. Aren’t mothers and angel defenders of the light? I feel a dichotomy, some contradiction in what you are, apparently, trying to say. This may only be because I am a servant of the light, and the idea of rising against it is repungnant to me.
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