Poetry / Fly Away Again (Analysis)

I like where you went with this piece, I see potential. However, there are a couple of grammatical errors. 1) 4th stanza, 3 line = [seak] should be [seek].

2) 5th stanza 3rd line, [Theres] should be revised to [there are] or a different word all together.

The words in this are soothing and I await to see where you go with this piece in the final end. Keep up the good work.

_Kristin

I generally liked the feel of the poem…the optimistic visualization throughout.

With that being said, the pace, to me, seems off.

The first stanza doesn’t do anything for me.  It seems un-needed.  I think the poem itself would make more an impact if you took that out completely and start with the second stanza.  

In the second stanza you have the line ‘I wait to be burned and scared again’.  Did you actually mean ‘scared’ or ‘scarred’?  Those are two different words and I think scarred would be better than scared.  I’m presuming this was a mistake.

The third stanza comes in and, again, the pace is different there than the rest of the poem, like the first stanza.  I wouldn’t necessarily take this out, but I would myself would rework it to help with the pace.  

In the fourth stanza you have the line ‘these wings grow weak and begin to fall’.  I think it would be better worded if you stated ‘these wings grow weak and “I’ begin to fall.  It’s is you who is falling not your wings correct?  Unless you mean you are losing your wings?  Then you could clarify that and word it a bit differently.  Seak is also spelled seek.  Also the last sentence I think is a run on…’the farther I go I lose track of it all’.  You could reword that to something like ‘I lose track of it all the farther I go’.  Then it isn’t a run on.

In the forth stanza you need a ’ on the word Theres…it should be there’s.

Overall, again I enjoyed the poem.  It does need some work but it is a generally beautifully visual poem.  Thanks so much for sharing!

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July 31, 2008

by TheDisturbedOne

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Thanks for the help :)

I might not change it due to my lack of time but Ill try to

once again, thanks :)

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This really isn’t too bad, I like it.
Some typo errors like ‘Im’ should ‘I’m’ and other small things, but nothing to hurt the flow of the poem.
Sometimes it feels as if there’s a flow to it, but it also feels as if that same flow is broken by some lines, but nevertheless it’s easy to read. I like the feeling of determination and hopelessness in the poem. Reflects human nature and all.
I like it, and I’d definetely like to read more =]

I like the metaphor for not backing down. because in my opinion this whole poem is just that an elongated form of saying that he or she will not back down. its good and i hope you keep writting.

You have really nice qualitites here. You have a unique way of phrasing your words and I like the style. It flows with meter and touches of rhyme, but overall you build on the idea of more of a free-flowing verse pattern. Some of your imagery is also very nice, especially the line, “Like a fallen angel trying to reach heaven.” The problem’s I see aren’t in your style but in the concepts you use and certain cliched ideas you utilize to portray those thoughts. In particular, the idea of “flying away” can be done nicely. You have an honest sense of desperation, but the originality isn’t quite “here.” Otherwise, I am realy into your style. Just watch so you keep from a few akward lines like “Then sometimes… (S1)” which seem to interrupt your nice flow. Keep up the work, you have talent that people want to read.

For someone of such a young age this is a great attempt at poetry. For some reason i kept on relating the bird that you are describing as a phoenix given that the myth about them is that they die and re-rise again. I loved these lines “I can feel my wings yearning to fly
Like a fallen angel trying to reach heaven” some people may say cliche’ I just thought that they sounded nice. I am curious to know what song you were listening to at the time of writing and just what it was in the lyric that inspired you to write your own. There are a few typo’s and spelling errors, none that of course cannot be fixed with a careful revision or someone else to re-read it for you before you post it again. My only critiscm is the 3rd line seems a little long and my suggestion for shortening it would be maybe “Then sometimes i just need a place to ground me” of course it’s your poem and entirely up to you.
Keep at it.
Cheers Rachel

This sounds more like lyrics than a poem. I enjoyed  this very much, it makes me think of people, like when they make a mistake, they’re lost for a bit, but then after a while things get alright, and it feels like you could literally float on air. That’s probably not what you meant, but it’s what it made me think of. I think that you’re a great writer and have a lot of potential. I will be looking forward to seeing more of your work in the future.
-Jane

I really thought this was an excellent piece. You captivated the reader. Your balance was very nice, the tempo worked very well. I think this would make a wonderful song. I loved the title. “Fly Away Again”. Your word play was nicely done. I could find no fault in this piece at all. I liked it very much. You have a wonderful writing talent for one so young. This piece reads with nice flow, it did not feel forced. Great job.

This would actually make a good popular song if put to music.

Typo: “loose track”.

My humble suggestion is to revise the opening section. Make it first person like the rest of the piece and use simile or metaphor to express the same idea.

My sorry example:

First I’m living on a spinning disk, unable to think past the dizzying edge.
Finally, I catch a glimpse of the void beyond and cry out like a hungry chick for a friendly touch,
pushed skyward by the unbearable lightness of my seclusion.

I hope that helps. Good work with this. Keep it up!

Very good imagery, like an angel or Icarus who flew too close to the sun.  In the same manner, it’s philosophical and spiritual.  Here are a few suggestions, just grammatical:
-—-
“I can feel my wings urning to fly” is probably not understood unless you meant “yearning to fly.” “Why do I feeling something’s around us” should probably be the verb “feel” instead of “feeling” but you knew that.  Next:  ”and begin to fall I start to loose track of what I seak The farther I go I loose track of it all.” should be “and begin to fail. I start to lose track of what I seek.  The farther I go, I lose track of it all.”
-—-
There are more problems here, but I’m going to save you your credits by letting others focus in on them.  This is a good effort, revealing a depth of feeling, full of angst.  Keep going.  There’s more to learn and suffer through.