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Young Adult / The Unwanted: Chapter 1
Chapter 1: Nightclub
Nick slipped two one hundred dollar bills into the doorman’s hand as he cautiously entered the nightclub. The crowd was in full party mode. The large crowd of men and women engaging each other rhythmically on the dance floor along with the thumping bass from the live band made it difficult for Nick to concentrate. Purposefully he adjusted his $3000 suit and took a deep breath to calm himself. All his clothes felt tight around his broad shoulders and he cursed under his breath, wishing he had taken more time with the tailor. He pushed his thoughts aside. Nick had to stay focused on the meeting he was having tonight. It was too important to screw up. Purposefully he made his way toward the bar ignoring the women smiling in his direction. It would have been nice if this was a social meeting but he had to keep focused. There was no time for fun.
With a wave of his arm Nick got the bartender’s attention and asked, “I’m looking for a Damon Hannah.”
“Who’s asking?”
With one fluid motion he slid a one hundred dollar bill toward the bartender. Nick locked glances with the man and didn’t say anything. Motioning to the back of the club the bartender took the money and walked away. Nick could see the booths in the back. Again he adjusted his suit only to be met with the sensation of someone running their hands through his thick wavy black hair.
“Where ya goin you dark hunk of meat”
He turned around and came face to face with a very beautiful young woman who was very drunk.
“Nice watch handsome. Vacheron Constantin right?”
Any other time this would have been a welcome diversion but not tonight.
“Yes, thanks for noticing. I’m sorry miss but I can’t stay and talk.”
He politely pulled the woman’s hand from out of his hair and walked away. Ignoring the woman’s comment, “Jerk,” he quickly weaved through the crowd and made his way to the back of the club. He could see Damon sitting in a private booth with two large bodyguards standing nearby. Taking another deep breath the man approached and just as he expected the larger of the two muscle-bound guards stepped in front of him. Nick knew he was no slouch standing at 6’ 2” but he felt small as he looked up into the man’s face.
“I think you’re lost pal.”
Nick smiled politely at the bodyguard and replied, “Tell your boss that Mr. Prospero is here.”
“Its all right. Let him through,” Damon ordered. “Please sit down Mr. Prospero. I have to ask, are you a Poe fan?”
Nick cautiously sat across from Damon and answered, “Not overly but I hear you are. I thought you would appreciate it.”
“Nice. Do you know the story of Prince Prospero?” Damon’s crooked smile made Nick feel like he was some sort of prey.
“Not really.”
“The story tells of a prince who thought he could escape death and ignore his own sickness. He believed the Red Death couldn’t touch him. In the end he died.” Damon paused and took a sip from his wine glass. Nick wasn’t sure if he should say something in response but Damon quickly finished his thought and said, “The moral being that pride comes before a fall. I hope you’re not such a person.”
Nick was glad to let Damon do all the talking. It gave him a chance to size up who he was dealing with now that he was face to face. Damon wore a nice suit adorned with expensive chains and on his hands were several diamond-studded rings that he liked to flaunt. His pale complexion and wrinkles were most likely due to working at nights and too much drugs. Even though Damon spoke like an educated man his mannerisms told Nick that this person was a low level soldier and not the one in charge.
“That’s a lesson we can all learn from Mr. Hannah.”
Damon chuckled at his response and said to his bodyguards, “Mr. Hannah. I like this guy already. He knows how to show respect. So how can I help you Mr. Prospero?”
He wasn’t sure but there was a hint of sarcasm in Damon’s question. “I believe you are in the market for some high end medical equipment or so I was led to believe?”
“Go on I’m listening.”
Nick reached slowly for the list inside his jacket so as not to alarm the bodyguards. He cautiously slid the list across the table to Damon. This was going to be a complicated transaction and he didn’t want to start trouble, yet.
“I also have in my possession an ABI PRISM 310 Genetic Analyzer. Interested?” Nick waited to see what kind of reaction he would get.
Damon began tapping his PDA with his pointer and leaned back in the booth. It was hard to see Damon’s face in the shadows, probably the way he wanted it Nick thought to himself. What were these people up to? Why did they want DNA equipment? He could speculate but the answers were yet to be revealed and Damon was his only connection to those answers.
After several seconds Damon finally leaned forward and said, “I believe we can do business Mr. Prospero. I’d need to see all of the equipment is working before we can talk price.”
Something was wrong. Nick knew this was going entirely too easy. He expected questions on where he acquired the equipment and the lack of mistrust was setting off internal alarms. Any street thug would have patted him down for weapons before being allowed to sit down and talk. Also the lack of female companionship was a sure sign that Damon was all about business tonight. Nick knew there was no genuine intention of purchasing any of the equipment but that left one question unanswered. What did Damon have planned?
He replied, “Perfect Mr. Hannah. If you’d like I can take you to my warehouse where you can examine the merchandise.”
“Let’s go.”
The deadness in Damon’s eyes as he got up from the booth answered Nick’s question. It was a look he had seen before; murder. He quickly followed behind Damon as the two bodyguards took up the rear.
“My car is just around the corner out the front. We…” Nick tried to stop and redirect Damon but he was met with a stiff shove in his back followed by one of the bodyguard’s hands latching onto his right shoulder. He knew this was not a good sign as Damon led the way through the crowds and headed toward the back exit hallway. Nick’s life was on the line and he knew that if he were going to survive the night he would need to do something and quickly. Sweat began to poor down Nick’s face as he felt his heart rate accelerate in his chest. He tried to wipe his brow but another large hand clasped onto his left forearm.
Nick’s breathing was becoming more rapid and immediately he began forcing himself to take deeper breathes. He couldn’t afford to panic or be distracted. What he needed was an advantage and finally it came. As Damon led the way down the back hallway past the restrooms the second bodyguard stepped in front of him. It was now or never. Nick watched as the bodyguard in front of him turned his attention toward Damon and he attacked. With all his weight on his left leg Nick kicked backwards with his right foot and hit it’s target. His escort’s right kneecap bent unnaturally. Nick could feel the give of the bone from his kick as the bodyguard yelled out in pain and released him.
Immediately he spun around and landed a right fist across the now kneeling bodyguard’s jaw and sent him to the floor unconscious. Thankfully the adrenaline covered the pain from the knuckle he just broke on the man’s face. He knew he couldn’t hesitate or he would be dead. Turning just in time to see the other bodyguard grabbing for his pistol he attacked. Without forethought he jabbed his right hand into the man’s throat. The man dropped his gun and gasped for air. Nick had to finish this man off before Damon turned around and realized what was happening. As quickly as he could he kicked the bodyguard in the groin. Quickly Nick double fisting the man’s back forcing him motionless on the floor.
Trying to focus on what to do next, Nick looked up to see Damon finally turn and face him. There was a shocked look on Damon’s face briefly but it was gone in a blink of an eye. Damon reached for his gun underneath his black blazer just as a young brunette came out of the ladies room and stood between the two men. Instinctively Nick leaped forward and tackled the woman back through the ladies room entrance. The sound of bullets passing his head were accompanied by the woman let out a blood-curdling scream. It seemed to happen all in slow motion but Nick forced himself to his feet. He could hear the screams of the nightclub members replace the now silent band.
Nick cursed himself for not grabbing one of the bodyguard’s pistols as he stood just inside the ladies room doorway out of sight. After a few seconds passed Nick cautiously peered into the hallway only to see the back exit door closing followed by the sound of a motorcycle trying to be started. Correcting his earlier mistake, Nick grabbed the gun from the nearest bodyguard and ran toward the back exit. He slammed open the door with the gun pointed in the direction of the motorcycle engine but it was too late. Nick watched Damon racing down the alleyway on a blood red motorcycle.
The screeching of tires coming from behind Nick caused him to turn around just in time to be met by a black van.
As he jumped into the passenger side of the van he yelled, “Where were you!”
The driver replied, “We couldn’t hear you over the noise. You knew that was gonna happen Nick or should I call you Prospero.”
Nick began pulling off his Armani Jacket and replied, “Allen I was nearly shot! Do you have a bead on him?”
“Sorry. Yes. He is heading eastbound on West Kinzie Street just past North Clark.”
Nick sometimes wondered about his team member Allen Young. They were good friends and Allen seemed steady but Nick found his humor inappropriate at times and this had been one those times. Nick used the van radio and called all local units to pursue the subject as he put his gun holster on. Nick could see the motorcycle weaving in an out of traffic as Damon ran a red light and nearly caused an accident. The thought of losing their only lead was not an option in Nick’s mind but as he watched Damon getting farther away his hopes began to sink. Months spent setting up this sting and it was all thrown out the door if they didn’t catch up to that motorcycle.
Nick spoke again into the radio and said, “Suspect is heading northbound on North Rush Street,” as he turned on their pursuit light in the front windshield and hoped for something to go their way.
When they finally made the turn to follow Damon, Nick could see that the police had blocked off East Grand Street as their lights flashed two blocks away. Nick was surprised to see that Damon had stopped in the middle of traffic for a moment and was looking back at them. Allen floored the gas once again as Damon spun his tire and headed east on East Illinois Avenue away from the roadblock. Is Damon taunting them? Nick was confused by Damon’s actions but it gave them a chance to catch up.
Nick was glad to see two Chicago Police cars had joined in the chase behind them. After four blocks of pursuit Nick could see Damon begin to slow down. Nick knew that Damon didn’t have much further to run as they approached Lake Michigan. He called to all units to block off the exits to the pier immediately. They had him trapped. The road ended at a circle that led to East Navy Pier Street, which was a dead end over looking the lake.
Nick said to Allen, “Hurry. Before he find a way out.”
He didn’t miss Allen’s agitated look at his statement but he didn’t care. They couldn’t let Damon escape. Nick watched as they followed Damon into a parking garage. With great agility Damon slid the motorcycle on its side underneath the entrance railing then propped himself back up without stopping his momentum. Nick felt a sense of relief as Allen broke down the entrance railing and followed Damon. He was trapped.
When they finally made it to the roof Nick’s mouth dropped at what he saw. On the far end of the roof was the motorcycle laying on its side and right next to it he could see Damon leaping off the building in a glider. Nick jumped out of the van and watched from the roof edge as Damon glided out over Lake Michigan along with any hope of capturing him. It was clear that this was all planned from the beginning and Nick shouted out in frustration, “You’ve gotta be kiddin me!”
“Sorry Nick,” his partner tried to console him. “He’s probably going to land somewhere out in the middle of the lake. There’s probably a boat waiting for him. I should call in the coast guard and have them begin searching.”
Nick replied, “Yeah do that,” but he knew by the time they got the coast guard searching Damon would be long gone.
His thoughts were abruptly shattered as a large explosion filled the night sky behind them sending smoke and flames in every direction. Allen Nick both ducked down instinctively. Nick’s stomach began to ache as he watched the smoke from the explosion begin to blow over Chicago.
Softly he said to himself, “Not again.”
Nick replayed the evening back in his head as they drove to the crime scene. Something tipped Damon off that he was an FBI Agent. He didn’t want to consider it just yet that it may be a ‘someone’ but tonight made him feel even more uncomfortable. Damon wanted them on that roof to witness the explosion. That much was certain. The more he thought about it the more upset he became. Whoever was behind this was playing games with him and the Bureau.
Nick watched from a distance for a couple hours as fireman fought back the flames coming from the building. The scene was chaos. Nick could see crowds of onlookers and every news crew in the city standing at the barricades fighting to get a better look. Nick let out a defeated sigh when the police reported their initial findings.
Just like the other two times. When the report that several bodies had been found at the scene Nick asked, “How many of them were babies?”
The police chief looked at Nick stunned but he replied, “At least three so far. How did…”
“Keep searching. There’s always five officer and at least ten or more adults. Always.”
Nick walked away before anything more could be said. He was disgusted with himself. He felt like a failure. This was the third mass murder in just over 20 months and they were still in the dark as to who was behind it. The only lead they had was somewhere in the middle of Lake Michigan.
He ordered Allen to get forensics on the scene as soon as possible. He wasn’t looking forward to reporting on the day’s events. On his way back to the hotel Nick played the night over and over in his head. It was crimes like this that gave him nightmares.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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This 83 word review has not been unlocked.
SinnerASaint reviewed Version 1 -
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Fantastic. This story has the elements that make the reader pick up the pace while reading until they finally get to the point where the story is done. I honestly could not find a thing wrong with this piece. It read like a novel.
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nteangel reviewed Version 1 -
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I was surprised that this was listed under the “Young Adult” category; it seems more suited for adults.
Personally, I would try to eliminate as much as the adverbs as you can (cautiously, purposefully), and replace them with more description. For example, the line:
“Nick slipped two one hundred dollar bills into the doorman’s hand as he cautiously entered the nightclub.”
I would change to something like:
Nick slipped two one hundred dollar bills into the doorman’s hand as he entered the nightclub. Soliciting the assistance of his training, he canvassed the place, demanding his senses to adjust to the new environment in order to detect any potential danger.
Just an example.
By replacing the adverbs for more description, your story will be richer (and longer, too).
LizzyDarcy reviewed Version 1 -
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Well, It seems like you have a good idea, although speaking as a seventeen-year-old, the voice seems a little off…
What I have read here seems more geared towards an older audience. Most teenagers and young adults that I know are more interested in teenagers and college age or just out of college aged people. Of course, there are always exceptions.
The biggest problem I see is that Nick is not relatable. In my limited writing (although fairly extensive reading) experience, I’ve noticed that it is better for the reader to get to know the main character before you set him up in a trying situation. Or maybe let us get to know him at the same time? Either way, I don’t really know Nick, so I can’t sympathize with him. Maybe this could be solved by a flashback early in the action scene to let us know how he got to this point?
You said not to comment on poor spelling or typos, but what about word choice? I’m sure you haven’t thought too much about that at this point, but the phrase “locked glances” is contradictory and it kind of bugs me…
PoliticalFantasy14 reviewed Version 1 -
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This was pretty good. I liked this a lot. I don’t get the mass murders at the end of the story, it was sort of out of the blue. Try telling about it from Nick thoughts as he is walking through the nightclub. This was good though, I liked it.
BigMamaMags reviewed Version 1 -
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Being originally from the windy city, I was at once intrigued by your dicriptions. I am older than your intented market, but I really like what I read. The plot was fast paced as was the action. The premise has been done before, but you might offer some twist that will make it all your own in up coming chapters. The main character’s of Nick and Damon have little to go on at present except what we have read. Nick hard nosed FBI and Damon, Above intellegent mass murderer. It has the makings of an excellent novel.
Shadowwolf5191 reviewed Version 1 -
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I love this. I’m 16 and i am always reading i am a picky reader but this grabbed my attention immediately and that is usually kind of hard to do
KidMemnoch reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a interesting story, but right off the back I can already tell it’s not going to flow the best. Your really wordy and a lot of your adjectives can be taken out. Also you do a lot of telling and not showing. You don’t let the reader come to their own conclusions as to what’s going on as much as you should. For instance:
“Its all right. Let him through,” Damon ordered. “Please sit down Mr. Prospero. I have to ask, are you a Poe fan?”
Nick cautiously sat across from Damon and answered, “Not overly but I hear you are. I thought you would appreciate it.”
Instead of telling us Nick cautiously sat across from Damon you should tell us the way he sat that made it so cautious. Maybe he slowly sat down and was trying to get a feel for the situation by examining the stance and facial expressions of this thug. Also, I think it sounds kind of funny Mr. Hannah asking if Nick’s a Poe fan right after inviting him to sit down. Read it aloud and you’ll know what I mean. I think that question should come after you describe Nick sitting down.
Back to the adjective though…if you show the reader what’s going on by describing instead of just telling us you’ll give us a more vivid image of what is happening and there’ll be more detail, or you could just take that adjective out and not describe anything else more than you did. That works too because if you feel there’s nothing to describe then telling us he sat cautiously isn’t worth telling anyways.
You still do a good job of showing however, I just noticed a lot of unneeded adjectives and adverbs you’ll want to do without.
I thought it was really neat how the FBI agent picked a Poe character for his name yet didn’t know the story behind it and then Mr. Hannah did. Each of your characters has their own voice and sounds realistic.
Next, I got a question about the end. It was at first, what exploded? Then a couple sentences later I found out it was a building. What kind of a building? Where at? I think that matters since you said there’s always 5 officers killed, but maybe your just waiting to tell us that later?
Last I just got to say something about the logic of the main character, which by the way says something about the logic of the author.
Something tipped Damon off that he was an FBI Agent. He didn’t want to consider it just yet that it may be a ‘someone’…
Of course it would be a someone and if this guy was a real FBI agent he’d know that. I know he’s smart because he could tell things were going wrong from the start. Also, Mr. Hannah had an escape route planned. Sure…it’d make sense that he always does, but there was a boat waiting for him and he had planned an explosion that night for them to see. It only makes sense that this was a set up, so yeah I think you just need to do something about that part.
This first chapter isn’t the most alluring, but I think once the reader gets around to chapter 2 it’ll get better. Try being more concise with this and for future reference you probably shouldn’t post something without at least having edited it once or without having gave it a quick look over because bad spelling and poor sentence structure can make a big difference. It’ll be less choppy and flow better if you clean it up and I think you’ll want to do that because you don’t want us getting the wrong impression of you as a writer.
black_butterfly reviewed Version 1 -
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I like this as an opening chapter, because it involves the character with the plot and gives character traits without you having to spell them out. I also enjoy the allusion to Poe on the second page and how it ties in with the character and maybe alludes to the plot of this story as well. Way to think ahead.
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