Poetry / The Girls of Misty Memories

Curious, why lose the caps?
Notice the stanzas are 3,4,3,4, etc.

I agree L3 is a bit long though.

There is no similarity to the conotation of “tinkle” and “echo”. “Tinkle” is the sound a tiny bell makes. Besides, what is wrong with a cliche. Cliches are like my old worn slippers, comfortable.:>)

And though it has been quite a while ago, I seem to recall that young breasts have a distinctly firm feeling that womens do not. Since each of the three line stanzas refer to different girls how would you know this one referred to young girl?

Not sure I understand the “giggling gleefully reference.

Agree with the “8th” change.

Thanks for your very thorough review.

Okay, I have lots to explain.
First the capitalization: It makes the repetition more subtle. Capitalizing it seems a bit pretentious. Make the reader find it themselves. They will.

3434? So they are. Why do this if they are not consistently even?

“Tinkle” and “echo”: I agree that there meaning is different, but in this context they are similar. Cliches are fine, as are old slippers. New shoes are great though, aren’t they? People notice if you invent it, and not someone else. Back to “echo.” If you read the whole second stanza alternating these words, there is not that much difference. Perhaps in using “echo” it leaves the “tinkle” to be heard anyway.

Hey, don’t remind me about young breasts! I thought the word “firmness” indicated that they were not old, so adding the word “young” is a bit redundant.

“Giggling gleefully”: okay, now I have space without eating up any of your points I’ll explain. Observe the following first lines of your alternate stanzas:
“A little boy giggles gleefully”
“Holding her hand”
“Drawing her close”
“Feeling her movement”
“Loving her in a way”
The second through fourth lines all start with gerunds (ing words), which some people hate. I personally don’t mind them. The first one doesn’t.

Curious: did you give me a bad review rating? Or was that someone else? I give those when people regurgitate what I’ve written or tell me how they feel about it, but not if they give me concrete suggestions. If this came from you, please reconsider your motivations. This won’t help me, but it will some other reviewer.

Thank you so much. I can tell you that you are one of the very few that has ever made much sense of their suggestions. Most give only thier emotional reactions with little literary value at all.

Now I must sincerely apologize. My intent was to give you a positive rating. I must have accidently clicked “no” instead of “yes”. I am so sorry. I will email to have it corrected.

Thanks. I know what you mean, but there are other people out there. I get my best reviews from friends in my network. Nice to meet you, Caroline.

Sometimes when two people fall in love they do so knowing it can never be anything but a sweet dream. A forbidden love or one that would hurt too many others to ever become a reality.

Sorry this made you laugh but thanks for the read.

Yes, teenagers have a way of doing that.

Thanks for your review.

Ah my dear friend, you are going far too deep. He was making love to her in his bumbling teenage way. She was his first , and he hers. Uncomfortable for both in the front seat of that old 41 Chevy. LOL
These are separate girls with separate and distinct memories.

I always enjoy your reviews, so intense. :>)

yeah. sorry. i felt like such an idiot after i read the other reviews. i took the “stabs” literally. but honestly i’m not entirely at fault. you could described the front seat of the 41 chevy and i woulda gotten the hint right away. its a shame that doesnt come out in the piece. its a great image. also, the you dont distinguish between the different girls at all. i thought it was one girl the whole time. i think you should fix that. and thx i didnt know i was so “intense”

I don’t entirely disagree about the front seat, but I didn’t want to get too graphic.
I thought the plural in the title would show it is more than one girl. Apparently not. Maybe I will clarify in notes.
Thanks again, and it’s a “good” intense.

i can’t help but believe your name is Jimmy Kimmel.

Honestly, it didn’t occur to me that it might be the same girl. I think that’s one of those things that will strike each reader differently.