You called me beautiful.
I said, “thank you,” and chattered on
like I had heard it before
but inside I stopped
and stared, uncomprehending.
I was looking for
signs of a lie
or signs of a dream
or waiting for you to realize
you had made a
mistake
and take it back.
But there was only you
and you looked like
you meant it.
So I took your words
and drew them to my breast
like a blown glass rose
cotton candy thin
and cherished them as
they breathed life into me.
All the while
chattering on
as though nothing significant had happened.
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I like the what you’re saying! A couple small comments:
”..waiting for you to realize you had made a mistake…” I think “had” weakens the line.
is the blown glass rose cotton candy thin or the words? I think it would be clearer if they went before the rose image….like a cotton candy thin blown glass rose…. Just a thought. Also maybe glass blown rather than blown glass??
I like the title.
Keep it up!
Consider using another word other than “uncomprehending.” It seems incongruous with the rest of the piece. I thought it was pretty good, although I admit some of the language strikes me as a bit cliche, specifically the ending. However, I think if you were to revise the ending and make it more real, more tangible it would be good. Right now the end appears trite; make the reader feel how you felt, don’t just say what you felt.
Beautiful poem that captured brilliantly the way we ‘cover up’ when someone says something that affects us profoundly. Line breaks are perfect! They allowed for a simple, easy to understand read. Only possibly move ‘had happened’ to its own line? Loved the analogy of something precious and fragile (blown glass) breathing life into you, wonderful imagery and use of words. God, if this is larval, what’s your finished project like? I hope you don’t change it too much. What a beautiful voice you have.
I think you lose flow of the poem immediately after…. you said drew them to my breast…. (like a blown glass rose cotton candy thin) should be revised to where it would be simple but still effective.
You capture a very nice image here. This poem is really worth working on.
L3, needs to be rewritten, same concept, but better depth, more originality.
L9, you might try, “Was I waiting for you to realize…” perhaps forming it into a question. This would get the flow out of the ‘unnecessary repetition’ feel. The line isn’t a problem, this would be polish.
L13, need a better description.
L20, move the ‘as’ to the beginning of the next line.
Hope that helps,
Joel.
I do not think this is prose. It is the ugly duckling story from the perspective of the swan. So who is this person and why do they think they are ugly. I do not like the word chattering it sounds like you are cold. You are in fact chatting. I think the poem needs a setting something to make it grounded. I thinking having the conversation would be more poignant. You can do that in verse. I want to be surprised and lifted by the beauty. Right now it reads like low self esteem. I get the character is distracted by the comment but that is not the delight. Signs of life and signs of a dream are week words. Make a setting have the conversation unfold. Then be direct;
You called me beautiful
You looked like you meant it
(describe the look the face in a line or two)
I waited
for the mistake…
(describe the waiting or have the conversation)
Do not draw words to your breast it is also week and done before.
Do not be a blown glass rose. Bloom and show the reader the blooming within the conversation. Do not just say like nothing significant because the reader is left with those words and feels insignificant.
What you have right is that a poem is a moment. You are writing about the moment instead of giving it to us. The line breaks are weird and bad and do not help but it doesn’t matter because you have not written the important part yet.
I see a lot of potential in this.
I would suggest making the 4th and 5th lines read as follows,
“but I stopped inside,
and stared outside, uncomprehending.”
I would move lines 6 and 7 onto the same one, add some punctuation to it, and the following, making some small word usage tweaks.-
“I was looking for signs of a lie[,]
or signs of a dream[,]
all while waiting for you to realize
that you had made a mistake.”
(I’d suggest removing “and take it back.”)
lines 13-18 can be more concise, here’s a suggestion.
(line 13)”But there was truth in you,
(line 14)it shown through,
(line 15)and I drew your words close
(line 16)like a blown glass rose,
(line 17)cherishing them,
(line 18)cotton candy thin.
I think you could wrap the end up much better than you did. I’ve made enough suggestions. Since this is but a wee larva, I’m sure you have a better one in mind. Hope any of this helps.
I really like this piece. It gives form to the nervous twittering our hearts do after someone we love stuns us with an unexpected comment, one that hints that they might love us too. That’s the impression I get from this, a freshness that is the ‘pre-relationship’ relationship. And the comment about the paper-thin glass rose held to your chest (cotton candy, good description)easily illustrates the fragility felt. I think the use of line breaks are good, but a bit too many, putting too much emphasis on each line (rather than the ones that ‘pop’ the most). I would try and see which lines I think are the strongest and most vulnerable to get your point across and use those so the rest of the piece isn’t a bit distracting. Overall, I gave an 8 because it’s wonderful, understandable, very easy to relate to, and I can see the potential in it. Would love to read more!
Some good imagery, especially “like a blown glass rose cotton candy thin…” But somehow it seems to lack emotion and your indecision as to whether the words spoken to you were true don’t seem like all that big of a deal to you. A good start, just a little more emotion needed. Besides that prose and poetry are so close to the same they are basically in the same category and titles don’t mean much because usually they aren’t a good summary of that which they naming.
You my friend , are a GREAT poet! So deep… “Like a blown glass rose cotton candy thin” Absolutely a ten. I really think this is so straight forward from your heart. Very good! No punctuation issues , nothing wrong… Almost perfection. It wasn’t strained , just free flowing and beautiful.
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