Yes, perhaps it is too real for the title and for the aim of the poem’s message. You honed into the soul of this poem, angst at not being to pull off the debt owed.
Could we write more, maybe?
Susan
Poetry / Unordinary Magic (Analysis)
I just cut through the cosmos
who never shine in my favor
so I tossed two stars together
to find what lies ahead but there’s
not enough to place a winning bet.
I traded one scar for another
like a Yankee player with bad knees
whose slid into home plate too many
seasons—cracking one fast pitch
after he attempts to smack that
curve ball quick.
In this corner of the country
the bill collector is leaving
hate mail on my doorstep and letters
drift into my vacant stare, the one
you used to give your parents after
you broke all the house rules
and then the temperature gauge
on your used car rises in the
desert heat and you repeat it’s just
a mistake and would like to explain how
badly you want to get things right but the
edges blur and your voice breaks the sound
barrier and you decide to try your luck
and find a way to even out all the odds.
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MikeMartyr reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow, this was extremely well-written and well constructed. I liked the last stanza, probably because it confused me but sounded great. Is the first line supposed to be the way it is? It seems like this would be read, and each word getting louder and louder. I love the line breaks, they work really well. I’m not so sure about the first stanza, though. It seems iffy to me and I can’t really figure out why. The Yankee player with bad knees was definitely my favorite part. Sorry if this was just a list, I just kept looking back and seeing more I liked.
Oh, and one more thing, I like that your stanzas all stand alone as well as fit together, like each could be its own little poem. Greatjob!
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sadpoet reviewed Version 2 -
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Interesting what inspires us, isn’t it?
Your title drew me in, it’s good.
who never shine in my favor…good concept of the absolute vastness you are up against.
just cut through the cosmos
not enough to place a winning bet…reconsider, it sounds to concrete for the “magic” of it.
I liked the use of trading one scar for another. It creates a global effect regarding the pain of it all, the uselessness of it all, and the soreness of the soul.
the bill collector is leaving…try to change “bill collector” into a mythical being of sorts.
hate mail on my doorstep and letters…spells consisting of worms and toads heart…they are more than just “letters”, they are deceitful and ugly.
edges blur and your voice breaks the sound…excellent.
The completion is too real to be unordinary magic. Please reconsider a challenge to change the “realness” into the magic of your title. It has great potential, you exhibit skill. Thank you for the opportunity.
Marvin reviewed Version 2 -
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“I just cut through”—i’d chop “just”
second stanza I like. vivid. sparky. nice.
“my vacant stare,”—good but “vacant stare” feels overplayed. would you consider changing this? or not. up to you.
“you broke all the house rules”—i don’t like this line, it’s too general, but then you follow it up nicely with something specific.
derp. my bad. “temperature gauge” is in reference to the final stanza. maybe not a good place to make a break. reads disjointed and throws the reader off. it threw me off.
“and you repeat it’s just
a mistake and would like to explain how”—odd lines. to me. maybe consider giving “It’s just a mistake” a line all its own. i feel like that one line could be the core of the piece.
overall, it’s got lots of good pieces. maybe mix them up, iron them out, see what happens. or not. i’m just one man with bad ideas.
Go Red Sox.
dust reviewed Version 2 -
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sorry but i wasnt a fan. maybe coz im not really into baseball. i thought it was a bit thrown together and lacking consistency. the themes got me a bit confused. but good luck in future.
starbourne reviewed Version 2 -
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I am the least of sports fans but it definitely went with what was expressed in the notes. I enjoyed it overall just not one of my usual reads.
Barbie reviewed Version 2 -
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I read your comments concerning the motivation behind the piece but I failed, even knowing the connection, to find it. It isnt a bad read, I just was not moved by it or did I feel provoked into thought in any way.
Perhaps I am not the best person to rate your work considering I am no ball fan, and frankly… no one is a fan of creditors. Maybe if I read some of your other work I can find the style of your writing enjoyable, but this poem alone held no enjoyment for me.
Foster reviewed Version 2 -
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I think the overall metaphor is a little difficult to connect to, perhaps just for me, as I’m not much of a baseball fan, but even knowing of the attempt It’s a stretch, so without the notes, I’d be lost, or you’d have struck out, or I would have… either way, it wouldn’t have been much of a game.
I like the attmept of an over-arching metaphor. I just can’t relate well to this one in particular.
There’s something awkward about the first stanza, subject verb agreement perhaps? Having the last two stanzas as one long run-on sentence is also distracting. I don’t think it works.
The one typo I found was “whose”: it should be “who’s” (or “who has”).
Keep reading, keep writing.
- Foster
BeautifullyxChaoticxMess reviewed Version 2 -
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Nice job. I have to be honest though I don’t know much about baseball, however I can relate to those pesky bill collector’s as they have tried ruining my life a time or two. I really don’t see much to change except u might want to go back and add some punctuation…the poem is good but without punctuation it reads a little choppy, just go back and read it out loud.
Opalescence reviewed Version 2 -
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You definitely have a talent worth shaping and sharing. I really like your thought processes as far as World Series (loss or win) and bill collectors? Boy, can I ever understand that one and it is a HUGE point of recognition for so many of us these days just trying to make it.
If you don’t already have firefox or some similar internet site to work with I’d suggest getting it because the spell check alone is a life saver! Yeah, ya still have to work a little on grammar but that is NOT enough to excuse yourself from writing as you have real talent!
Keep up the good work and thanks for the review request.
Heart Hugs,
Opal
Willow_Wren reviewed Version 2 -
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This is an enjoyable and fascinating read but there are too many grammatical errors, especially in tense that throw one off. As in S1 which might read better:
I just cut through the cosmos
that never shines in my favor…
...but there’s
never enough to place a winning bet.
The cosmos is not a person so you can’t use who. And I’m not sure if this is supposed to be in the present or past tense, not clear, but it’s a good opening stanza. S2 has nothing at all to do with S1 and it would be OK if it were followed up but then S3 is also totally different from the other 2 so there is now no connection at developing in the poem. Oh, in S2 whose should be who. Then a woman is introduced in the end out of the blue and we know nothing at all about her except that she can scream very well, not enough is known about her, who is she and why is she trying to find a way to even the odds? I think this poem has great potential but it needs something to make it cohere. The poet has a way with words yet the ideas are yet too disjointed without a common thread that leads to a resolution or new knowledge. I’d like to see a rewrite of this.
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