Well, really, that’s the point. You don’t know what’s going on because she doesn’t know what’s going on. I will be posting more so you can understand how it all came about, though. Thanks for the review!
Horror / The Addicted (Vampire)
She was in a room. A damp odor welcomed her bitterly. Radiating throbs of pain struck her eyes and ballooned over the tops of her ears. A whimper trickled from her lips, as much out of confusion as misery.
The wheezing hum of an air conditioner seeped in. Her head lolled towards the noise. She sucked the sour, slimy taste from her teeth, and concentrated on the sound, attempting to locate it. Luckily, or maybe not so luckily, it did not sound close, though the noise was too clear to be coming from another room. It gargled at her from a place to her right. Drowsiness permeated every muscle from the neck up. She fought to see, sure she’d wake up fully once she regained her bearings, and was stunned when she realized she couldn’t.
She snapped to full consciousness, knocking her head against the wall she reclined against. Light poured in at the top and bottom of her vision. She was not blind, but blindfolded. As her chin sunk to her chest, she reluctantly surrendered to the strip of enhanced pain that danced around her forehead to the base of her skull. She squeezed her eyelids together tightly. Deep breaths expertly fell from her lips; the pain in her head decreased. Out of relief, she almost felt like smiling.
A heavy scrambling on her left launched her attention toward the sound. Dry puffs of putrid air slid greasily across her left cheek and swirled richly into her nostrils. Immediately, she spun her twitching nose to the right, and slapped her right temple against the film of only God-knows what that covered the wall. Her tongue curled in an act of pure rebellion at the stench lingering in her nostrils, and she sucked her lips between her teeth tightly and choked back a gag.
The movement on her left reached a frenzied peak. Mara struggled to move away, body shuddering with heaves, only to be disappointed when a thick flat binding restricted her mid-section from leaving the ground. Her hands fluttered uselessly behind her back. Specks of dirt and grime stuck to her roaming digits. One lodged itself between her index and middle finger, and a groan whined from her throat. Her nose burned with the promise of tears, and panic threatened
Her breathing slowed and she commanded her body to calm down. Drooping back, her head rested on the knot the blindfold was secured with. Immediately, she bolted upright, and leaned her head back onto the knot with determination. She wriggled roughly against the wall, rubbed the knot downward, and forced the stubborn cloth tentatively over the crown of her head. Hair gripped her face, and she gasped as starbursts ignited her vision. Dull yellow light furthered the assault, causing her to close her eyes in spite of her struggle to open them.
The commotion next to her demanded her attention once again. She whipped her head back to the left only to hurl herself away. A gaping mouth materialized inches away from her nose, and gnashed madly at her face. She slid far to the right, keeping her gaze locked on the repulsive figure.
The sheen of insanity glowed in his blood-rimmed eyes. Crystallized spittle peeled from the corners of his mouth, as fresh foulness dribbled over his chin, and splatters of mud-brown blood flaked around his nose. Dirty locks of unwashed brown hair waved in every direction. A prominent web of veins bulged beneath his neck. His torn, dusty white shirt roped around him in sweat-plastered wrinkles. His feet far behind him, his entire body leaned at an almost ninety degree angle. Dust and debris flew up in an angry cloud as he slipped, losing his leverage against the floor. Exhausted, he finally collapsed.
Mara exhaled sharply. It was only then that she saw the condition his hands were in. From the forearms to the wrists, blood congealed, crisped, and dripped onto the floor. His fingers were raw and bloody, their tips gnawed. A thin chain fell from his wrists and snaked into a room behind him.
Her breath, increasing to rapid-fire bursts, melted her sanity into panic. Whatever was wrong with him, she had to get away. She flexed her fingers anxiously, slim shards of pain searing her hands, and pulled and tugged until wetness slicked her fingers. Tears squeezed from the corners of her grimacing eyes. The bindings crept snugly over her thumb pad, then flew off the tips of her fingers. She bent her knees up, angled her feet slightly to the left, and fumbled uselessly with the strap around her.
Suddenly she reeled right, knocking herself onto her back as her left leg was bitten savagely, but shallowly. Instinctively, she bucked, catching him under his ear. He howled silently in pain, his vocal chords raw. Immediately, his efforts redoubled, crazed by the brief taste of her. She brought her hands up just as he lurched free and crashed down upon her, slamming her head sickly into the uncarpeted cement floor.
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IdeeFixe09 reviewed Version 2 -
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“Dull yellow light”
Dull, yellow light—two descriptions side by side must have a comma in between them.
“Her breath, increasing to rapid-fire bursts”
I would cut ‘bursts’ off the end of this phrase. Something else should be there since you’ve all ready used the word ‘starbursts’ which just distracts me when it comes to this part. It’s like ‘where was this word before’ and then I’m lost, because I’m thinking back. Be creative.
Your description of whatever/whoever was lunging at Mara was incredible. I could see this crazed semi-human in my mind and it was great. I don’t think that description could have been any better.
At the end when the whatever/whoever got free and attacked her, I was tense. THAT is how you should be when reading anything remotely horrific.
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FrakKevin reviewed Version 2 -
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I didnt really know what was going on. Why was she blind folded? I liked the descriptions you gave and it did come off a dark. I just wished it was more background to this vampire.
narcotic_elegance reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s very desciptive. Almost to point where it’s too descriptive and gets confusing at some parts. I guess I must keep in mind that it is an excerpt so confusion is unavoidable. With that taken into account, it’s good and I would like to see the full story.
CapnBlueballs reviewed Version 2 -
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Good description of the surroundings and action. Post isn’t long enough to see how this differs from other vampire stories that have bothered you in the past. Leg bitten savagely but shallowly? Maybe re-word that sentence?
Levent reviewed Version 2 -
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Wow… a totally dark storytelling… its very gripping and claustrophobic and scary cause you (at least in this scene, with the blindfold and all…) chose not to describe anything in any detail… its like watching a horror film with your hands wrapped tightly around your eyes…imagining the worst… I wanna know what has happened and what will…
Put me on a list of people to notify when you do publish : )
Only little confusion for me…
“Deep breaths expertly fell from her lips;”
I just didn’t get the notion of “expertly” falling breaths…
You rock this Genre!
: )
Levent.
KidMemnoch reviewed Version 2 -
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Your use of detail is very good and I get a vivid image of what’s going on. Also I thought it was really cool finding out she was blindfolded at the same moment she did. It interested me to keep reading. One section sounded a bit funny to me however. Maybe it’s just me, but I think if you read it aloud you’ll see what I mean. I just think it’s a little choppy is all… “Dirty locks of unwashed brown hair waved in every direction. A prominent web of veins bulged beneath his neck. His torn, dusty white shirt roped around him in sweat-plastered wrinkles. His feet far behind him, his entire body leaned at an almost ninety degree angle.”
I think it’d read better like this…
“His dirty locks of unwashed brown hair waved in every direction and a prominent web of veins bulged beneath his neck. Below it he wore a torn, dusty white shirt that roped around him in sweat-plastered wrinkles and with his feet far behind him, his entire body leaned at an almost ninety degree angle.”
It’s just a minor suggestion, but a bit of editing can go a long way and that was really only the advice I felt I had worth giving. I don’t know if you’ll like that one better however. I always feel weird critiquing older people since they have more experience than me, but if you do like it comment my review back because I’d greatly appreciate the chance to learn from another writer. Good luck with your book though. I’d like to see more of this on Urbis for sure.
Res2256 reviewed Version 2 -
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I have to say that I have read quite a few different vampire related stories before. Your story was a bit different. To me it did not seem to be so much as a vampire story as it was a story about the after effect of an encounter with a vampire. I like your details describing her appearance and the way that she acted. It was quite short but enjoyable. Although, I would say that I would not have expected you to end it where you did. You should expand a bit more on it. Nothing wrong with leaving it where you did, just from a readers outlook I would want to know what happened instead of having a cut off. When I first started reading it I thought it was just going to be like every other vampire story I have read or heard about but it was not, you took a different apporach with it and in my personal opinion it was good and I did enjoy it.
Katelyn reviewed Version 2 -
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You obviously have talent. However, this does need some work, as do all manuscripts or stories. First off, you used adverbs way too much, and it got to the point where it distracted me from the story. Secondly, I think you do a wonderful job describing the pain Marla is in, I just think you might linger on it for too long. Other than that, you’ve got me intrigued, so keep up the awesome work. Vampire horror is a hard genre to break into, but with a little luck, a little work, and a lot of determination, there’s hope for you yet!
DCS reviewed Version 2 -
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Well that’s a cliff hanger ending! First, I found it slightly confusing as to what was happening towards the third paragraph on page two and the second paragraph on page three. Otherwise, I thought it was well written, has a nice menacing feeling to it. I think you could give your victim more depth by exploring more emotion in regards to her plight and worry less about describing every little detail. I enjoyed reading it but emotionally I was a bit detached, I didn’t feel for her safety, I didn’t get a feeling of panic even when that thing comes at her. (Though I did think “Ouch” when I read about her head hitting the cement.) Speaking of that last sentence though, if you were to say “cement floor” that would be enough. Every word written should have a purpose, uncarpeted in that instance isn’t needed.
Three pages isn’t enough for me let you know whether or not is publishable though, and I can’t tell you whether its the best horror on urbis as yours in the first I’ve read so far. The five is just to let you know depending upon how the story progresses that factor could go either way. Keep writing and keep looking for things that make your vampire story unique and stand out from others.
bicaughtfire reviewed Version 2 -
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i know the feeling!... unfortunetly?... its the pain like this that inspires the best words through our pens
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