Poetry / Unbidden (Analysis)

I am glad that you stated writing poetry again. This piece was well put together. I think it could a little retooling. The beginning flows swimmingly. After the unwatched flanks it tapers. I don’t want to say that I didn’t like it. On the contrary, I liked it very much. I just had really high hopes in the beginning and I was somewhat let down. I think that if you just took your time on another draft you would finish what you started on the same plane…or better a higher one.

I like the poem overall and I know the feeling.  I would just suggest perhaps putting your poem into stanzas to make it a little easier to read…to improve to flow.  I dunno. Its not that it doesn’t flow well; it does in an overall sense. Its just that the line breaks are distracting and take away from the movement.

Excellent; well said, meaningful, heart-felt and sincere.
Pleaase write more. Maybe we would like to see happening after your prayer.
Delightful!

Font too small and the spacing between lines was distracting.
4th from the bottom “be be”. what are the words spoken? The idea is to make your reader “feel” what you are feeling with words..paint a picture with words.
I think you have the heart of a poet..work on presentation..

I love the subject; I can certainly relate.  The form is not my favorite, but it’s good for what it is.  I definitely think you have a talent worth shaping.  I think I’d like a different title, though; something a little more unexpected and more reflective of the piece.  Overall, very nice!  

good try, I think you can structure the poem so that it is more aestheticaly defined, but your probably just rusty after a long hiatus. keep writing.

It’s a good poem. I would suggest, perhaps, editing the format, as your current one makes it slightly difficult to read and follow. Once you’ve read a few lines, I can’t remember what I read earlier in it. Some of the words could be taken out as they aren’t necessary [‘memory of experiences’ it’s obvious that you would remember something you experienced]You go from ‘you’ to ‘we’ and back. Is there any particular reason for this? Are you writing about yourself or another? And I really can’t tell exactly what your subject is. You switch things around. Is this intentional? I wish you the best in your writing.

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March 27, 2008

by human1

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Thank you very much! Those are good points, and I accept them graciously.

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