Haiku/Senryu / Teen Spirit

i see your point here. :)
what i like most is the very last line.

minor errors:

“get out their team” =should be= get out there, team
“Are does it?” =should be= or does it?

i’d like to see more imagery here, though. how ‘bout making exaggerated scenarios ridiculing teen angst? i suggest you put it before the second part (” When you think about it you could go on and on…”). you have to leave a picture in the heads of your audience so they don’t easily forget what you wrote.

~GBÜ

This is way too analytical and not humorous enough. You pose a lot of questions, but rarely provide possible answers. I’d try to describe teenagers more- go into a brief imagining of what the team uniforms might be. Also, in the opening, when you imagine the game plan, maybe make it something more like “What’s our game plan?”/ “Who cares.”

Also, the word “angst” appears A LOT. Switch it up a bit. “Ennui”, “depression”, “funk” (as in “he’s in a funk”), “sullenness”, etc.

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February 14, 2009

by william_the_artist

personal info reviewer stats

No. of Reviews	Overall Quality	Comment Followup
0	81.8% (44 votes)	100.0%

Age	Gender	Location	Last Login
44	M	Taos, NM	November 06

I wrote this on two whims…when I first started on urbis.com, then went on a leave of absence.  So, now that I am back, yes, I actually going to put some more thought into it.  So, thanks of the advice and tips.  Will do.

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I thought this piece was very funny and true too! I like the metaphor as a football team. And, especially about the motto. Fun stuff indeed.

I love it! It’s very good and funny too.

Something about all the angst apparent on sites like this. Love it! Brings me back to my own years of teen angst. I liked how you reasoned with yourself throughout the piece, coming to a conclusion by the end. This is a great example of taking a well-worn subject matter and approaching it in a totally fresh way. I think the teen dialogue could be more realistic, but that’s just nit picking. I enjoyed this. Cheers.