Deanne,
Thanks for the review. I will consider your suggestion in the revision!
Appreciatively,
~thysta
Short Story / New York Minute (Analysis)
We arrive at dusk, and check into our hotel room. Immediately we hit the mini-bar to calm our jangled nerves. A few minutes later, we emerge from rotating lobby doors and casually waltz into Times Square with affected sophistication. The amount of people we see, multiplied by the miles of high-rise buildings is beyond our comprehension. The city is rude, stinking, and wonderful. We hardly know which direction to take. We ask the local inhabitants stupid tourist-questions. We do come across a person or two who sounds like they are NYC-bred, but most people speak with foreign accents. We crane our necks as we walk down Broadway. Churning throngs of Manhattanites look right through us, checking their watches and furrowing their brows. We marvel at the vortex of the serendipitous whirlwind we have found ourselves inside, spinning us frenetically toward the magic hour when our lives are to be forever altered. We suck it’s wind deep inside our lungs and relish the moment.
My mother, my sister, and I decide to try to hail a cab, like we’ve seen them do in the movies. Amazingly, one stops, and we get our first ride in a yellow taxi, tittering, like simpletons, with glee. We rush to get in at least one tourist sight this evening, and the cab, as thrilling as it is, doesn’t count.
The September night is warm and clear as crystal at the top of the Empire State building. The city lights are glittering all around us like tall stacks of shiny gold coins and gobs of
loose white diamonds, flung as far as our eyes can see. The moon hangs low and full, gilded the color of gold leaf. We stare in wonder at the sentient orb we believe has laid all the riches of the world at our feet. This view, we know without doubt, has been created only for us.
It is time to return to our hotel room to try to get a few hours of rest. The city sounds are far too thrilling to shut the window. A dancer on the street corner taps his heart out all night for spare change. Horns honk, constant but pleasant reminders of why we are here and what happens tomorrow. We lay in our beds with wide-open eyes, mentally pacing between the world of the tap-dancing man, and the entrance to The Kingdom of Granted Dreams.
At dawn we dress and groom ourselves with the utmost care, and fret over every crease, both on our clothes and on our faces. Do we look like good people? Do we look loveable? Do we smell pleasant? We pose these questions over and over to each other.
Outside the hotel, between the revolving doors and the curb, anxiety beings to creep over us. Two long, dark cars from the talk show arrive. One is for us, and one is for a young woman who is standing nearby holding hands with a man. Who is she? We wonder-whisper amongst ourselves if it’s her, but we are too nervous to stare at her for long. She has dark brown hair, like us. She has olive skin, too. We have been scrutinizing everyone since we boarded the plane in Houston, but surely, we could not be booked into the same hotel? We dismiss the possibility, but our eyeballs are stuck like glue to the corners of our eyes as we slowly take turns getting in the limousine.
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burnvictim reviewed Version 1 -
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j5travisj reviewed Version 1 -
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I like how the story begins with an arrival, fitting. And yet more important to me than the arrival is the mention of jangled nerves and their needed calming. I understand later how these nerves are really just the excitement of the eviron, but I think a little more emphasis on why the family feels the need to knock back a few before trying to cram in some sights, or just avoiding the mention all togethor would eliminate the distraction. Just a little thing that is perhaps frivilous but may help to keep the magic.
“We stare in wonder at the sentient orb we believe has laid all the riches of the world.” This is a really wonderful line to follow the bejeweled impression of the city sky-scrapers.
So far I’m pretty interested. The mystery is mounting and I have to say that I’m willing to bite. I wonder what inserting a little dialouge would do, perhaps at that moment when everyone is staring at view created just for them? Maybe it’s a chance to have each character identify themselves a little bit through a comment. So far the narrator has spoken for everyone with sort of general impressions.
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quaintfungus reviewed Version 1 -
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I felt upon reading this work that I was sufficiently rewarded to continue to the end. I like the set up. The innocents arrival in the big city works well. I felt a little uncomfortable with some of the similies I suppose it can be hard to avoid cliche but maybe you could include phrases like’the night is warm and clear as crystal’ as dialogue in order to attribute them to the ingenous rather than the narrator.
I like the way you set up the talk show angle later in the piece that made me interested to read on. Also it got me wondering who the other girl was. I like the way the city seems so golden and pleasant through the characters eyes. I hope you are going to bring them down to eart with a bump.
The moon hangs low and full, gilded the color of gold leaf…..I think you could just say guilded here
mentally pacing between the world of the tap-dancing man…... Don’t like this mentally pacing. I would use dancing between thoughts.
Good start
FrakKevin reviewed Version 1 -
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I actually read it twice and liked it the second time around. I like unique stories and this is something new. I’ve never actually read about people who are going to be on a talk show. Plus them getting a preview to what’s going to happen leaves them and me the reader feeling the same way. Like I really wanted who this girl would be revealed to them as. Overall I like this..it’s one of those story that allows the readers to create their own aftermaths.
charisma_styles reviewed Version 1 -
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i didn’t care for it at all. It did not grab me into the story and left me a bit confused. I understand they were tourist and they were from Houston. It just seem to be missing a great deal as to what I was suppose to get from the whole thing.
Deanne reviewed Version 1 -
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I have just finished reading a lot of novels and felt the diff between this and them is in that they’d have said the “stupid tourist questions” you asked, not just said you asked them (show, don’t tell). I feel that would have made it better, as would conversation between the 3 of you that gives personalities to you each. Then you’d be going somewhere! Ont he plus side, you read as well as any of them (Rick Riordon, for ex), and move things along as fast as Riordan does, except for the telling, not showing, of the “stupid”questions. I like the city-lights and moon descriptions, and the hint of a mystery if one keeps reading. I don’t know about your feeling the vortex of the serendipitious whirlwind spinning you frenetically toward the magic hour --your appearance on a game show would be a momentous, life-altering experience, perhaps ( you already know if it was or not, as you write), but I don’t think it is serendipitious you want here. It would be unnatural if you weren’t excited about potential life-altering wealth or fame, so the whirlwind is a natural consequence of what you are being pushed through the process by--excitement—and not serendipity.
alexianx reviewed Version 1 -
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This is like reading a checklist, to be honest. The beginning of the item has absolutely zero hook.
‘We arrive at dusk, and check into our hotel room. Immediately we hit the mini-bar to calm our jangled nerves.’
We who? You’re opening the story and throwing several paragraphs worth of detail into a single sentence. You’re also leaving the reader bored and confused. We, we, we; who are we!? What hotel? Why are your nerves jangled (awkward, archaic word usage there, by the way).
‘She has olive skin, too.’
That’s nice. Now we know she has olive skin, too, but you announced it in such a manner that it was just a boring fact. It came across loud and clear, but we’re still not going to be able to comprehend it because by this point we’re asleep. Delivery is everything. You’re not doing what could have been a good story justice. Add detail, add variety and to be cliche, I’m going to say, ‘show, don’ t tell’.
Unless this was done specifically, and I can think no reason as to why it would be, the fact every sentence is short and plain, often without detail and void of unique style is going to bore your reader to death.
~Nox
AYBZ_Visionary reviewed Version 1 -
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I love your word use like scrutinizing,serendipitous, glee (one of my favorite words makes people smile when used), etc.
Even with your awesome word usage your story so far is stiff, and extremely boring! It’s like one of those annoying things you read out of those big books in high school, only to be left with a cliff hanger that didn’t at all to you in the first place. This is annoying and depressing, I thought when I got closer to the ending of what you wrote so far it was going to get a little more exciting but then the interest drop back to stiff and boring. Add some dialgue, drag it out add some suspension :D and it be way better! Suspension could be your best friend, use it well.
lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 1 -
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right away your words drew me in along with your vivid and crisp descriptions. the whole story seems like it is about these people visiting new york city and experiencing it for the first time but the last part with the limo and the lady really confused me. i wasnt sure where you were going with it but since you said it was unfinished perhaps you plan on clearing it up later. if so, i cant wait to hear the rest.
gemglitter reviewed Version 1 -
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You have accomplished many of the goals that writers are supposed to do. I want to continue reading, I want to learn more about the characters and you kept me interested in the story. However, one of the most important things you didn’t due was grab my attention with your first sentence. I think the second sentence with the bar comment would be better….bars always attract attention LOL. Anyways, another thing you do is tell a lot. Why don’t try showing some action. Like instead of commenting how they waved for the cab. Comment something like My mother raised her hand, flicking her fingers in the air, like a conductor leading the symphony. If you would do this for the whole story, it would be awesome! Message me when you have more.
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