Thanks! Yeah, I’m still sitting here rolling it over in my brain. I know there’s a way to keep the integrity AND make it fit, it’s just a matter of finding it.
Poetry / Orcs & Humans (Analysis)
A sharpened arrow perched to fly
To meet a thousand more that soar
Across the sunset-laden sky,
While heavy footfalls stomp the floor.
A finger shoots into the air—
A piercing sound; a child’s cry.
Chaos rushes here and there
Beneath the sunset-laden sky.
Shouts go up, and tales of lore
Get passed around like broken bread.
Move on and sound the drums of war;
Goodbyes are better left unsaid.
Two forces clash, a willing pair
Of duelers wielding sword and mace
Trying to catch one unaware
And put him in his rightful place.
Upon the bleeding ground, a score
Lay dead, and many wish to die;
No one seems the victor anymore—
Just pawns beneath the sunset-laden sky.
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OfTrepidation reviewed Version 1 -
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wow! how amazing that something really beautiful and visual can be inspired by a video game? I am not insulting the game, far from it, I have never even played it. I just think this is really beautiful. I especially enjoyed the last verse.
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atm1721 reviewed Version 1 -
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Perhaps you can use:
“No one seems the victor for
Pawns beneath the laden sky.”
I dont know i tried. I hope you figure out what sounds the best. This seems like it has potential for greatness. I agree to me that seems to be the only part that doesn’t flow as well as the rest of the piece. Too bad its the last part of the piece, because that needs to be the best to wrap it up, and the words you have are perfect if they fit your rhyme scheme a bit better. Thanks for sharing. I enjoyed reading this.
ekarbin reviewed Version 1 -
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Very nice attention to rhyme and meter. I enjoyed the narrative very much indeed, even though I am not personally a war epic fan. The one great mistake a lot of writers make when writing in meter is using inversion to get the rhyme—you did not do too much of that here, but I feel duty-bound to mention it. Another thing I thought of after reading the second stanza was how much I loved the repetition of the term “sunset-laden sky”, which you very nicely brought back at the end. Have you considered reworking this piece into a vilanelle? If you’re not familiar with the form, you really must look it up; the overview is as follows-- a 19 line piece, broken into tercets and ending with a quatrane, writen in aba rhyme, often in pentameter. Throughout the piece the 1st and 3rd lines weave through the piece, ending each stanza in turn before they both end the last stanza--roughly it looks like this:
1
2
3
4
5
1
6
7
3
8
9
1
10
11
3
12
13
1
3
So, it’s an ambitious project, but one I think you’d be up to. Also, how’s this for an ending, I opted for subtlty…
There are no victors anymore/ beneath the sunset-laden sky
00_Doughboy reviewed Version 1 -
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shinsukato reviewed Version 1 -
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A finger shoots into the air—
A piercing sound; a child’s cry. - can i assume you’re referring to magic here? If so, I think that it’s a little too vague for people to get the idea.
The meter of the poem falters in the last paragraph. Since this is a fairly rhythmic poem, that faltering at the end can leave a somewhat bad impression.
Very entertaining though, I enjoyed reading it. Thanks for the read.
axelk reviewed Version 1 -
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For a Warcraft inspired poem I found this to be pretty good. I paid good attention to the last two lines but I think they are ok still the most superficial of them all. The other stanzas are better constructed
amato3 reviewed Version 1 -
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Although I am not into Warcraft, I thought this to be a very interesting piece. You use your words in such a way as to give the reader an excellent visual of what is going on. I did not understand Stanza 3 line 1 and 2 and how the two lines relate. Could be my lack of understanding of the subject. Would love to read more.
browniie111 reviewed Version 1 -
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“While heavy footfalls stomp the floor.” The floor? are they inside? This takes away from the rest of the poem because it sounds so much less sophisticated
“A finger shoots into the air—” do you mean literally that someones finger is shooting into the air? because that is what it sounds like.
“Beneath the sunset-laden sky.” the second time. that is good because it ties the second stanza back to the first
“Two forces clash, a willing pair
Of duelers wielding sword and mace
Trying to catch one unaware
And put him in his rightful place.” This is the strongest part of the poem. It shows both sides of the fight.
“Upon the bleeding ground, a score
Lay dead, and many wish to die;
No one seems the victor anymore—
Just pawns beneath the sunset-laden sky.” This is a very good ending. First becuase you are showing the end of the battle but also because you are in a way tying up the loose ends and creating the time frame of one day by saying “Just pawns beneath the sunset-laden sky.”
michaelolsen reviewed Version 1 -
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This, while having some unsubstantiated references to vague empathic ideas, lacks punch that it could derive from more concrete detail.
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