Thanks for the review…
I’m not sure why those words have a strike-through over them. I did not put that there. Ubris did.
Definitely a little harsh.. but nonetheless I appreciate the time/effort put into your review and will work on improving it.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / Lyrcrist -- Tree [descriptive] (Analysis)
Lycrist stumbled upon a vast swamp; he sensed a great aura of misery in the swamp’s suffocating humidity, like something you would feel from the worst of nightmares. The swamp looked as if it extended for eternity, the lightness of the area faded into dark as the great fog swarmed in as if the air was made of a thousand wasps. Even the trees had a dark green tint about them.
As Lycrist walked deeper and deeper into the swamp he noticed a dim, blue glow in the distance. He approached slowly and more slowly until he caught sight of a monumental tree, which stopped him knee-deep in the moss infected water. He took a quick look around the dead swamp and then glanced back at his tree. This tree was the only--of all the weeds around--to have leaves, the liveliest of leaves Lycrist had ever witnessed. Blue in colour, these leaves had a shifting plasma substance within their walls that was spiraling like a tornado.
Still, Lycrist walked closer to the tree. Standing under the giant branches, he again noticed the size of this beast. Lycrist, at a little under two meters, didn’t compare to the ten meters of the tree. He and six of his friends could not hug across hand to hand in a circle and manage to cover the whole base of the tree. The branches’ foliage spread down and out, resembling a mushroom’s cap. The leaves on the end of the further most branches were within two meters of the contaminated water.
Lycrist threw his hand forward to touch the dark brown trunk. The smooth texture reminded him of his mother’s delicate hands. As he moved the tips of his fingers further and further down the trunk a blue wave of the plasmatic fluid floated up underneath the tree’s skin. As he pulled back his hand he heard the sound of dripping water. He turned around. The tree’s leaves were crying. The dripping started off slowly, then graduated into a light rain. Steam thundered up from the body of water the tears hit. Lycrist now heard the sound of a heavy rain, he looked up and water fell onto and followed the crests of his dark purple face. The tree was bawling. The water was ice cold, purifying, and relaxing. With his mouth open, he tilted his head back further and put out his arms as if he were a raven ready for take-off.
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Ravenn reviewed Version 1 -
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Antigrav1117 reviewed Version 1 -
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joancrown reviewed Version 1 -
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JamesPatrick reviewed Version 1 -
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ekarbin reviewed Version 1 -
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This is an interesting piece. Certainly one that needs more beginning and more end though. I say this because to be completely honest, the first paragraph just didn’t grab me. You, as I’m sure you’re aware, have a very important job as an author to coax your readers into your work. Once there, you ensnare them with your prose and everyone is content. I don’t see that done here.
You open the piece on the action of the protagonist walking through a swamp, which is fine but give us something to really get us going. Similarly, there are certain turns of phrase employed throughout that I think try a bit too hard to please, I’m thinking specifically of cliche-laden phrases like “aura of misery” or “extended for eternity”. It’s clear you can write, don’t do yourself a disservice by writing under your ability.
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DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
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A dramatic ending. Good. I think the word “bawling” distracts from the drama, however.
Proofreading notes:
moss infected = moss-infected (prenominal) But why “infected”? Isn’t moss a perfectly natural organism here?
If moss is growing, how can the swamp be dead? Moss is quite green.
further most = furthermost
The contamination of the water needs to be more vivid. Does it stink? Is it murky?
icedsapphire reviewed Version 1 -
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-“he sensed a great aura of misery in the swamp’s suffocating humidity”-don’t tell us, show us. To say that there was an “aura of misery” is far more boring than describing what exactly made it miserable.
-“As Lycrist walked deeper…spiraling like a tornado.”-This section has too many repetative uses of the word “leaves” AND (Just a side note) I HATE it when people leave stricken words in a document. Makes it look so gross to me.
-Your piece lacks a lot. I felt a little bored sitting here reading this. Your descriptors are dull, there is no dialogue, no flow, everything kind of becomes stagnant.
I’m sorry, but this is not good.
storyspinner reviewed Version 1 -
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Daney reviewed Version 1 -
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This is really good. It was easy to read and easy to understand. The imagery and description was great, I could picture almost everything that you said was happening. I would love to read more of your stories like this.
Lino reviewed Version 1 -
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I like the feeling of this piece, and you manage to convey that feeling skillfully with subtle hints throughout the text. I love the comparing of the texture of the tree to his mother’s hands, very nicely done!!! Smoothly flowing text, nice language. The character Lycrist is fascinating. This genre isn’t generally my cup of tea, but I feel really drawn into this. With some additional work and polishing, I think this could make a really great story.
One word of advice: with only one character in the scene, it’s not necessary to repeat his name, as this disturbs the flow for a bit. Thank’s for sharing!
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