Thank you for your review and I’m glad you liked it. The reason it is a bit short is due to the fact I wrote it as a flash fiction peice originally and I had limited amount of words. It would probably be a good idea for me to go back through it sometime and give a bit more indepth background. Thank you again.
Short Story / Memoirs of a Fat Man (Analysis)
I was seventeen and on my way up a hill with three of my best friends. I had always been the token fat boy of the group but they didn’t seem to mind. We had decided to take a Friday off of school and go to a water park in northern Jersey for the day. The Hill was called ‘Surf Hill’ and I will never forget it as long as I live. The four of us trekked up the hill as we watched several predecessors slide down the hill happily and with great big smiles on their faces. It looked like a lot of fun and I was looking forward to riding down the hill myself.
You see I had never been to a water park before and was completely unprepared for what awaited me at the top. As the anticipation rose within me I stopped to catch a breath, I waited in line and read the long list of instructions on how to conduct myself. Let’s see…put mat underneath me…lay on stomach…hold onto mat with both hands…exit water once finished…hand mat to attendant…weight limit 225 lbs…ride at your own risk. Wait a minute! Weight limit 225? Trucker talk began to rise up within me and attempted to fly out of my mouth. I weighed roughly 260. Ugh!!!
Just when I was about to say to my friends, “I’ll meet you at the bottom,” I could see this enormous man standing at the front of the line. He stood well over six feet tall and looked to weigh more than I did. Well if he was going to go down this ride so was I. I am going to ride this thing out. The weight limit is just an approximate guideline to go by. What difference could forty pounds make anyways?
My friends went first. I watched as each of them made it safely to the water below. I don’t see why I was getting worked up over this. Water poured down each of the individual lanes while you laid flat on your stomach. You rode down the hill on your mat over six humps and then you landed safely in a pool of water. At the bottom there were even bleachers for family and friends to view, easy. This should be fun.
The attendant gave me a slight smirk as he handed me the blue mat and I knelt down into the cold…let me rephrase that…freezing cold water. Like a beached whale attempting to get back into the ocean I pushed myself forward and thus began my wonderful adventure.
Level 1: This is nice, I thought to myself, as I hit the first of six humps. Hey there are my friends standing off to the side watching. Why are they smiling?
Level 2: Ok, now it’s getting better. I’m picking up some speed. Are they laughing?
Level 3: Whoa, I’m moving fast now. Did I almost go airborne?
Level 4: Oh my God! I’m almost flying off of the humps!
Level 5: My brain shut off as I went flying to the next level!
Level 6: Thought my friends would get a kick out of me posing like Superman. I’m gonna hit water, nothing to worry about.
I hit the pool of water at the bottom of the hill and it felt like everything stopped. Well, my front end stopped momentarily as my head snapped back while my ass end went into flight over the rest of my body. As my sinus cavities and eye sockets received a thorough cleaning from the force of my 30 + miles per hour, my head was forced under the 2 feet of water that made up my landing area. As I said before there were lanes that divided up the hill and the landing area was no different. My face scraped up against the lane divider as I had a moment of utter clarity.
I thought to myself, “This is really gonna hurt! I hope I’m not hurt too badly!” as I lost all control over my body.
I am not sure how long I was sitting in the water when I finally realized where I was. I looked up to see several dozen people standing on the bleachers giving me a rousing applause and whistles. To my right my three friends were rolling around on the concrete laughing uncontrollably and I had snot streaks along my face, which was evidence of my sinus flush.
That wasn’t the worst of this wonderful experience. I suddenly became horribly aware that the cheering and the laughing coming from all around me were not only due to the fact that I had gotten everyone extremely wet from my wipeout at Surf Hill but also that I was completely naked. I am not sure when my shorts flew off but did it really matter at this point. Thankfully I could see them lying in the water next to my left foot. As I attempted to regain any dignity that I had left and put my shorts back on while sitting in 2 feet of water I was rudely interrupted.
The attendant yelled at me, “Get your mat!”
In all humility and anger I replied, “Do you mind! I’m a little embarrassed at the moment!”
I was simply met with an angry stare as I got to my feet and found the blue mat laying several rows away. I grabbed it the best I could and threw it at the attendant while I made my way out of the water. This is when I became very aware of the whiplash that I had received and that I was never going to live this moment down as long as lived. To this day I have never gone to another water park nor have I ridden any water rides. Moral of the story, forty pounds does make a difference.
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smartins11 reviewed Version 1 -
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This is material that could become an interesting story, but at the moment it’s told rather flatly, like a real-life event. To make it into a comopelling story, you’d need to “show” not tell. Draw out emotions, draw out the visual and sensory aspects of the story, and I think you have to decide on a theme. What do you want to evoke in your reader? Is it meant to be comical? Any story that ends with “the moral of the story is” is not really drawn out to its full potential; and then to say “forty pounds does make a difference”—doubly so.
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hmatt reviewed Version 1 -
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TaooftheRaven reviewed Version 1 -
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hockeyslife reviewed Version 1 -
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I liked it. It was easy to read, flowed well, and your narrator was well-developed. You could do a bit more background of the narrator, though. Even though it’s a short story, there’s always room for more, and the story would be more effective if we knew more about your character. All we know is that he/she is overweight and this is their first (and last) experience at a water park. Overall though, it was a good story. I did find it funny, you made the narrator’s little incident real so that it seemed as though I was really there, watching. I liked it, good job :) Look forward to reading more of your work.
Deathbonewitch reviewed Version 1 -
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Haha, that was pretty funny. Although it’s kinda sad that when the weight limit was ~220 pounds he said that an extra 40 wouldn’t matter…I think the peer pressure got to him and he didn’t realize it. I liked it and I’ll grade it as you asked. I classify it as a humiliating story thats funny except for that one fat guy.
r_chama reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a cute vignette. It made me smile. One suggestion though; when he describes the slide, the word “you” should be avoided. The “you” could be changed to be his friends, or something. But the story is nice.
clcny20 reviewed Version 1 -
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Oh my God. Wow…
First off, this has got to be -- hands down -- the best thing I’ve read on this site. Let me tell you my expression/demeanor right now: I’m not laughing, for one. I’m just sitting here shaking my head, and feeling so sorry for this kid who got put through this incredibly humiliating experience, and in the back of my mind I’m wondering if it ended up with him losing weight, gaining more, or just avoiding anything where weight could bring up another type of embarrassement, if not similar.
I just want to share that I totally agree about that weight limit making a difference. I went to Six Flags with my graduating class when I was 13, and they all came down the water slides at a perfect pace, while my porky behind basically sludged down the slide, not gaining any speed at all. I didn’t even make a splash when I got down to the bottom.
So, don’t worry, you’re not alone :)
jenbabe4198 reviewed Version 1 -
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The title could use soem revamping. If I was at the bookstore and saw a book titled “Memoirs of a Fat Man”, I’d think about it for half a second and then walk by. Something more snappy (no matter the length) would get readers interested. As for the piece, it was cute, but not humorous the entire way through. I did like the last line. Quick wit like that would make this piece better.
lluuiiissaa reviewed Version 1 -
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this was really entertaining and funny. a little more description of the character could have added but overall the situation was funny and the description of everything else added to the hilarity. but at the same time, the water going into his nose and eyes…cringe!
1DamagedIndividual reviewed Version 1 -
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Funny story. I thought that it could be expanded upon with more dialogue and more character description. Yes, this could be even better with some time and more effort.
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