Thankyou. I am beginning to think I may well need to cut some of the scientific ‘bumpf’ as a lot of reviews have said similiar things.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / The Gentle Art... (Analysis)
Pierton contemplated screaming loudly. His frustration all too apparent as his mind attempted to will the on screen message to change. He glanced at the backwardly progressing numbers in the top left-hand corner. Only fifty seconds until another first for civilisation was taken from within his grasp and belligerently given to a wholly undeserving technician on the other side of the world. A man or woman he was sure couldn’t appreciate the significance or the countless hours of effort that after decades would finally be coming to fruition. Leonard Pierton’s right fist clenched as the countdown clock to signal re-routing to Australia went past the twenty second mark. He was well aware of the nervous glances from the junior technicians who couldn’t contemplate the sheer vastness of the project now nearing completion. For if they could, they too would be almost as rigid with apprehension as he was instead of worrying about a verbal lashing from their boss, venting years of accumulated pressure as one of the main credits of his very own brainchild was handed to a person one quarter of his own age and thousands of miles away for simply being in the right place at the right time after nationally contributing a minimal amount (the word token came to mind) in order to achieve equal partnership status in the interests of global unity. Leonard nearly scoffed out loud as the bitter diatribe ran its familiar route through his brain, kicking old wounds open and forcing bad memories to resurface years after it should have been lain to rest.
‘Signal received… unlocking encryption variables… confirming source… recalibrating lunar antenna… program patches holding… activating global data buffers… attempting real time visualisations… please wait, signal re-route in progress… ‘ Leonard’s whole body was trembling, in the last three point eight seconds before Sydney took it’s shift of virtual tracking, Leonard’s very own hub at the foot of the Eastern Urals officially became the recipient of first hand observational data from man’s apparently successful second attempt at interstellar travel, albeit almost fully automated.
Frustration gave way to relief, gave way to joy. Team Leader Pierton felt no shame as large tears rolled down his cheeks, this had been the beginning of a goal first pursued almost thirty years ago and not once in that whole time had he dared dream of this day he now realised. The checklist rehearsed so many times before began it’s slighty delayed verbal volleying across the sterile skyblue operations room. Leonard let the critical systems be checked off before he did what everyone was hoping for.
“Postpone check, priority over-ride L-E-O Gamma, dot, seven, nine.” Leonard audibly chuckled the words out.
“Confirmed.” Came the almost immediate response from Pierton’s far right. Followed by a female voice from behind requesting…
“Instructions for system, paths open, multi-sync processors ninety eight per cent capable.”
“Direct feed from Sydney, I want all incoming data from the Kennedy2 no later than five seconds after Sydney receives it. Where is the visual? Offer collation assistance to Sydney, I’m sure they’ll refuse it, but let’s keep them on their toes. Cyril, get the servers ready for primary local feed, that’s our responsibility now.”
“Sydney courteously refuses offer but requests support from communications team, failure 00451, antenna calibration error”
Leonard’s demeanour instantly stiffened and his mind felt like a whirlwind as he issued instructions as fast as he could formulate them, procedure and viable alternatives simultaneously ran through his aged but razor sharp grey matter. Scenarios ran ahead a couple of steps preparing for possible error eventualities and Leonard felt twenty five again.
“Comms fire team, network liason with Sydney, I want solutions for Lunar Tech pronto. We are losing priceless seconds here. I don’t need to remind you that a signal is currently being broadcast from over thirteen light years away from a verified Exo system, we are actually losing history, people.” Leonard opted for visual status priority store, the scientific data was valuable but nowhere near as much so as the first sight of an alien system, and an inhabited one at that.
“Priority two initiation” Leonard continued. “Sift data fields for Kennedy1 Mag Particle Emissions Signature. Recent trajectory updates from Kennedy2 suggest no failure to Kennedy1 guidance system and no engine anomalies from trace emissions, so guesses are it arrived and unknown errors prevented broadcast.” Leonard suspected nothing of the kind, propulsion engineers had recently bandied theories pertaining to a deceleration malfunction or even null initiation. He had noticed the look on one of the techs. faces at the mere suggestion of such a failure. The same tech had taken great pains to assure all Hub leaders that that couldn’t be the case, citing the Neptune loop test of the reliability of backup failsafes, although thinking back on it, it seemed Senior Tech Engineer Mitchell was trying to convince himself more than anyone. Now Leonard Pierton felt a seed of consternation embed itself on his conscious and instantly take root. Leonard scowled, he could do without that irritation but knew from experience not to ignore instincts.
“Sally.” Leonard summoned discreetly.
“Yes, Leo.” A faintly perspiring, bespectacled woman beamed up at him. “I can put you through to Hub Leader Parker in Arizona. Personally, I think he’s feeling left out.”
Even with the bustle in every available space around him a single irrelevant thought took his entire attention for a full half second; she’s fifty five and can change my mood with a single smile, you daft old fool, doc. “Not at the moment, Sal. I need you to get hold of Kennedy1 Senior Propulsions Team”
“Urgent, Leo?”
“Maybe.., most likely just an itch I need to scratch.”
“Sir, please sir. Lunar team reporting meal packaging located on System Points, Primary Antenna. Suggests re-try”
Leo tutted, trillions of dollars, decades of training, and project team sizes in their tens of thousands and nearly sabotaged by a plasi-metal pouch!
“Signal status?” Leonard requested.
“Reboot successful, locking data stream, I think we might have it, boss! Yes! Compiling format, starting feed… Europe, confirmed. Asia, confirmed, sixty per cent, local sever malfunction, local issue. Rest of world, confirmed. Sol orbit and Inner System Planetoid Populaces anticipate zero probs. Visual in five, four, three…”
An awed hush, like children waiting for a laserburst display to begin descended on the room, eyes fixed on the nearest or biggest monitor. Leonard realised if they pulled this off the mission would be forty per cent complete, the remainder on a detached probe which would tour the system for twenty years while the main body would insert itself into orbit in the main point of interest, a slightly larger Earth type planet with strange atmospheric properties which confounded all modern scanning techniques, the popular theory was the effect was a deliberate attempt at planet wide stealth out of which grew all manner of progressively more elaborate and absurd theories as to why. The loss of tracking on Kennedy1 two years from target only served to fuel theories expounding a hidden alien civilisation. A civilisation that seemed to be making noises for the past two months, somehow aware that visitors were on their way, like it or not. But strangely, as indicators suggested off world energy emissions that could be outposts or space-faring craft, the haze around the planet seemed to thicken what would have been a month before the expected arrival of a competently performing Kennedy1.
The image, when it formed didn’t look bad considering it had been travelling for fifteen years. The six cameras provided a complete picture of the binary system that held the orbiting masses in thrall. Leonard stood agog at the spectacular image of a Sun sized star orbited by an intensely white Neutron Star which was emitting vast quantities of x and gamma rays, as well as a continuous rain of charged particles. Target planet Inhab?2232 lay directly on a path through the main solar body and wouldn’t be sighted for three days.
Chattering started up in the room, speculations darted from one to the next, but the general consensus was that the suspected inhabitation was real and the atmospheric properties were a natural or synthetic shield from the lethal bombardment produced by the denser more energetic dwarf stellar partner. Preliminary orbit calculations revealed a twice century close passing of the Neutron Star to it’s parent. The material ripped from the parent star would be quickly compressed on the surface of the far gravitationally stronger Neutron, and produce spectacular nuclear fusion blasts which in theory could create billions of tons of rare elements, virtually impossible to mine directly from the surface of such a compact body, but still a massive quantity would be blasted into space.
Leonard Pierton felt strangely satisfied. His lifes work had been, apart from the mysterious loss of Kennedy1, an unquantifiable success and the possibility of finding this system inhabited would have justified another thirty years of sacrifice and stress.
Leonard, with the weight of ages lifted from him allowed himself to feel a good portion of his sixty seven years, and retired himself to his nearby bunk feeling sure that he would dream for the first time in years.
Team Leader Leonard Pierton woke to mayhem, although his quarters walls were two and half inch steel, the two millimetre gap between door and floor betrayed a palpably tense situation beyond, shadows of personnel hurrying from one place to another, constant requests for this or that staff member to report to… Leonard blinked hard. Why hadn’t he been woken? Had he been relieved of command? That idea appealed to him greatly now and strangely he let his mind wander to a remote house near woods, tending vegetables in the sun, even beginning to entertain the notion of a tomboy Sally in dungarees waving from an upstairs window… BANG, BANG. The sound of a huge fist striking the outside of the door, followed by two very loud demands for his attention that could only be Colonel Chomsky quickly refocused his mind.
“Trouble, Colonel?” Asked Leonard, already knowing the answer but hardly caring either.
“A situation has arisen, Mr Pierton.” Leonard rolled his eyes, tiredly.
“Let’s have a look, shall we?” Replied Leonard, unurgently. The Colonel set a brisk pace to the main operations room where a furore was noticibly growing. Leonard didn’t particularly care, if there was a major malfunction now he would probably resign his post and let the team handle it, his work was done now and he knew it.
Blacked out monitors greeted his arrival and he went through the motions,
“Situation?”
“Intermittent connectivity, anomalous energy readings, possible third party interference.” Leonard squinted at a terminal, slightly perplexed. “What third party? Hackers? Terrorists? Religious nut jobs making good their threat to stop the blasphemy of an equally created alien race idea?”
“Er, xenos, sir, possibly…” Came the nervous reply.
Leonard’s attention was now well and truly piqued, but somewhat unbelievably. The monitors flashed simultaneously and a very different view to the one displayed the previous day appeared. For a start the images spun wildly, and only three of them, one of which showed electrical damage surrounding the camera area. The rear view showed a rapidly shrinking binary star system, and most incredibly of all, the front facing camera seemed to show a strangely configured vessel about a mile in front. “What the hell…?” Leonard was like a child, mouth wide, desperate for a more detailed view on the strange matt black vessel. The craft made a sharp right and pitched to the top of the screen, almost immediately followed by violent shakings of the image; the damaged area around one of the cameras buckled and shot sparks and smoke before taking the camera out with it. Then the screen went black again.
“What did I just see?” Asked Leonard, incredibly excited but with fear growing to match.
“We don’t know, started an hour ago, velocity and trajectory changed, we believe inertial sheer has taken out most of the more delicate systems as well as all but two of the cameras. And, the tech added, possible first contact, unknown motives, but looking increasingly hostile.”
“Don’t forget, we are the uninvited guests. We have no weapons on that craft and as far as we have gathered they are possibly aware of us but have shown indifference. So, can we start acting like professionals and show a modicum of discipline? We may well have the answer to the disappearance of Kennedy1.”
“Leo, can I have your attention for a minute?” Came the soft spoken, and most welcome voice of Sally.
“Yes, Sally?”
“You wanted to speak to the propulsion team from Kennedy1?”
“Keep them on hand, this will keep me busy for a while.” Directed Leonard.
“They are eager to speak to you, they are aware of the present situation.” Insisted Sally.
Now, Leonard felt uneasy, from the first sign of trouble the feeds would have all been cut to all but the Hubs so as not to provoke panic. The team from the propulsion labs now had low key posts, and were called upon for advice only, they shouldn’t be in the loop at all, never mind a top clearance level. “Are they available now?”
“Waiting on vidcom for you, Leo.” Leonard moved to a private area and pressed the touch screen to connect. Two faces appeared looking wide eyed and scared. Leonard didn’t see the tech he had spoken to previously. And the empty looking military facility only lent a more sinister air to a very confusing situation. Leonard felt angry at having to play catch up, had he really mattered so little to a project he conceived and nurtured. But politics had been involved since the first couple of years. He should have expected darker motives.
“Is there a guy called Mitchell with you?” Asked Leonard, masking what he really wanted to ask. Plenty of time, Don’t annoy ‘em. He thought.
“Mitchell took his own life about a month ago.” Came the hushed reply. Leonard started to feel sick, but continued.”What has been going on?” Leonard asked, his calm phrasing of the question surprised himself.
“Mitchell knew of some possible probs. Was ordered to keep quiet?”
“Specifically?” Leonard encouraged, but not optimistic.
“Braking systems on Kennedy1 weren’t tested until after launch, two years after launch exactly. And they failed spectacularly!”
Leonard was aghast. “So Kennedy1 was doomed to failure because tests on a primary component weren’t even done?”
“Kennedy2 had already been launched as a backup and had a different configuration and systems installed, kind of to see which performed better. All the tests had been performed including the braking systems which passed without incident.”
Leonard felt calmer, but again frustrated that with all the time and effort and, of course money, shoddy work practices nearly ruined everything. Leonard realised he was missing something important, after yesterday’s high and the fulfilment of his life’s work he had realised just how much of himself he had spent. His usually keen insights were way below par and he was struggling to comprehend a warning his unconscious was sending. Leonard looked at the two men on screen and decided to ask it straight when their attention was diverted by something to their lower left. A short strobe effect on their faces indicated a monitor had come to life in front of them, and their faces were transfixed and full of horror. Hollow eyes from one of the techs on screen stared out at Leonard from a gaunt face and he slowly mouthed “I’m sorry” then the screen went blank. Leonard realised the screens around operations had come back on but were watched by silent, nervous, slowly comprehending faces. The surviving instruments on board a now obviously tugged Kennedy2 had detected the now close planet of Inhab?2232 and was taking panning shots of the planet. Something wasn’t right about it. Leonard concentrated on the milky grey sphere, he couldn’t get it until a huge chunk of rock passed within a few km of the captured Kennedy2, and the gaps were dreadfully filled. The view was clearer as the probe passed the main body and the systems starlight shone through the clouds and gave a silhouette of a smashed planet. A quarter of the planets disc was fragmented rubble, a large shotgun type spray moved almost in slow motion from what would’ve been the exit wound, and the mantle, now exposed, released the planets stored heat and patches of dull orange and red were visible beneath the clouds. Leonard began to weep, and unlike the previous day, he was incredibly ashamed, his work, his ‘baby’, had become a lethal, incredibly expensive bullet; where the braking systems had failed, the guidance systems had compensated to adjust for arriving early and had ensured delivery. Travelling at ninety nine per cent light speed the one hundred tonne scientific probe had gained many hundreds of times its own mass as a consequence of the laws of relativity, turning a massively damaging projectile into an outright killer that would have seemed to come from nowhere. But why had they captured the second, surely they thought we were having another go, ah, maybe checking on the success of their mission. The capture of the probe would be important, to confirm their aggressors identity.
From the second camera a strange dark blob slowly grew until it filled the entire screen. The tug craft moved away and the large craft aligned itself with the transmitter array on the Kennedy2. A large opening appeared in the ship and it very deliberately deployed a dozen snub nosed rockets. The most forward lurched slightly, then disappeared instantly leaving the tell-tale luminous blue gas of a Magnetic Particle Accelerator Drive, far more sophisticated than anything on Earth, judging by the acceleration. The second followed swiftly, followed by the third…
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playrite76 reviewed Version 1 -
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asmevadan reviewed Version 1 -
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qtstorm reviewed Version 1 -
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00_Doughboy reviewed Version 1 -
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What is done here is done well, done consistently. The only real issue I had was in constantly asking myself, “is this science jargon accessable to me? To another reader?” But that being said, you make me believe it.
This reminded me of Pierre Boulle’s “Garden on the Moon.” The technically sound pseudo-science tone of a “what-if” space race scenario really jives well with me, and I like to see a solidily reserached backbone in science fiction. It gives the conflict more weight and import; the stakes mean more when the means feel justified, if that makes sense.
Because of this I won’t ding you on characterisation. What’s there is minimal at best (our protagonist is an old, by-the-numbers scientist who has a crush on Sally) but his threadbare personality shines better when explained through few words. The story itself is exciting; all the technical jargon, the communcations among the different hubs, the descriptions of the time and effort and strategies of the project, all help to create a really effective sense of “oh snap, something’s coming.” That something is heartbreakingly tragic, and very entertaining.
Good stuff.
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axelk reviewed Version 1 -
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First of all I would like to say that I think it was a great effort from your part. It is very intelligently written and your easiness with which you wrote seems obvious. Still, for me at least, it was too sci at less fi. Too many scientific details blurred the story line and I found it a little bit difficult to read. Overall a good piece of writing.
Iwrite reviewed Version 1 -
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I really like the idea. It’s very classic sci-fi. I was watching the some old 1960’s Twilight Zone episodes and this story reminds me of them.
Now as for the text, some of the sentences are too long. I get lost in what they’re trying to say. I understand that you want the reader to be interested and wonder what’s happening, but because of the sentence length, I’m finding it a little hard to visualize the main character or rather I’m finding hard to get the sold foothold on the story. It’s hard for me to follow. The dialogue jargon is fine but the prose isn’t grounding me. I get a sense of information overload, especially at the beginning, too much information in too little space of time… My opinion is that maybe there’s too much detail. Does the reader need to know all the science behind things? In terms of story, I think the only hard science that the reader really needs to know is the theory of relativity. Some neat details can be cool in fleshing out the world but there may be too much, and I don’t think there’s enough characterization. We don’t learn all that much about Leo or Sally. The story doesn’t seem to give me enough reason to care for the characters. The characters should be our guides and gateways to the story world. If the reader can’t understand the characters, they have a hard time understanding the story.
Take all that I say with a grain of salt. I could be totally out to lunch.
JayPhoenix reviewed Version 1 -
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“The idea, how accessible it is to the reader and most importantly, if the ending is comprehensible in regards to the implied fate of story world are the only points to regard”
If I only judge those three areas then it would be as follows:
The idea – I loved it. It is, no slight intended, a lovely and simple idea of discovery gone horrbily wrong and – to be honest – comes across as full of typical human hubris so it resonated within me :o)
The ending – maybe it is because I read a lot of fantasy and sci-fi but I could see where this was going early on BUT only (I think) because you had specifically mentioned the ending in your notes. You laid the grounding nicely with the constant referrals to the first probe and the fact that the planet was shrouded.
I adored the fact that the aliens have fired back and that Earth is doomed too :o)
How accessible – the latter half of the story was more accessible – and better overall – than the first half. I can understand where you are coming from witht he content but does it REALLY require all of that scientific jargon to get across that this is a sci-fi story with a sceintific basis for it? I personally don’t think that it does and think that the obtuse language is distracting from the stroyline itself. That is just me, though :o)
Bottom line, on the three criteria and my overall gut feeling, is that I liked this story and thought that you pulled it off well. Will be interested in seeing the rewrite.
Tivarah reviewed Version 1 -
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Perhaps I am not the best person to give a review, I’m tired, it’s late and I am not really into Science fiction. But here is my opinion (for what it is worth). You lost me a bit with all the explanations of events etc (perhaps I’m just stupid). I understood the ending and thought that it was very good. You describe emotions and character thoughts/ actions quite well. In essence I am saying that you have talent as a writer, I just found it a bit hard to read (that could be due to the above factors). One thing that bothered me:
Frustration gave way to relief, gave way to joy – I don’t know, I’m not too keen on this sentence. I really think there should be another relief after the comma.
Overall, well done
Antigrav1117 reviewed Version 1 -
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Excellent…short, original, technically heavy (a key ingredient of hard S.F.)well paced. I like the darkness of it. Character development was good.
Not much on the down side here- mechanics are good- maybe re-read it and see if you feel like some of the flow seems a bit jumpy or awkward. Not bad, just enough maybe I got the feeling.
This piece only needs polishing- then off to a short market!
Great job!
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