One way to look at this poem, I think, is that revision really is hard; it means commiting to a process, like getting a graduate degree or marrying someone. Who the hell wants to do all that work, especially when you can’t know what kind of reward you’ll get. Still, there people are, lined up at the Elvis Altar, waiting for the guy in the blue suede shoes. I guess the problem I’m having with this poem is taking the leap, getting back inside the poem in hopes of making something better. I don’t feel like I’m living in the poem, the way that I do with my best work, but I don’t feel like I’m a tourist, either. It’s more like an assignment in therapy, and how bad do I really want to deal with all the crud under the carpet? Of course, maybe there are some diamonds under there, too, like the reviewers who actually ask for more. Do therapists dream of really hard, demanding cases, knowing that in there somewhere may be the answer to the problems they’ve been looking for all along? I suppose poets are the same. Thank you!
Poetry / Demotic (Analysis)
Revision is a hard sell—
angels think it
mainly a
speculative venture
like the grapes left
in my satchel all
day, juice oozing
over the creased and
fragrant leather:
something was intended.
I who have no other option
might say that beauty
is a mistake, the pain
of disappointment
like an extra stroke
dropped from
the glyph.
It can be that easy.
But in the meantime,
back at the ranch and
so forth,
the angels are still uncertain
and the Pharaohs aren’t giving them
much help—
stored up like mother’s
fruit in a jar.
What if beauty does last
forever?
- # #
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I had a hard time with the angel and it’s place at first, I wanted to know a little more so that I could place him/her, since you felt it necessary enough to mention them twice, when I let go of trying and assumed an omnipresence about them… then I was able to see what you were saying.
I adored the rest of this piece, the satchel imagery and Pharaohs as jarred fruit were by far my favorite bits. This is a read that does take some attention and I’ve read it 5 times at least before commenting on it. Good job though.
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I’m not really great at poetry, but what I could say for you on this one, is maybe structure it differently? Make the formatting easier to read, and follow along to. I didn’t see any spelling mistakes….other than that I don’t know what to tell ya. I didn’t understand this at all. I mean, I got when you said, “stored up like mothers fruit in a jar,” that you were trying to say like, caged or whatnot,...but I didn’t get any of the references you made, for example, angels and pharaohs? You didn’t really state where this was, and made references to a ranch, but when you mentioned pharaohs, it sort of changed the perspective. I do think you’re a good writer, you just need more detail. Practice makes perfect. Good luck. :)
-Jane
Ok the writing is amazing and the message is deep so deep that this fall into abstract poetry and makes one to truly think about what they have just read and the possible implications. Your poem is amazing and to change it would be almost a crime. Maybe making a second version would be nice but don’t discard the original. Poems that make a person look inside are rare and you have created a very rare poem.
Omit the “and so forth.” This is superfluous information and detracts from the preciseness of the language. The poem seems incomplete to me. Perhaps if you were to explore what was trying to come out more you find that you have much more to say. In that way I think you would be better able to articulate yourself.
There is so much potential here, and for that reason I hesitate to say too much. The emotion is broiling under the prose; I would just suggest that you get rid of anything that might sound trite, commonplace, or simplistic. Your images are great overall—just get rid of the mundane.
I don’t know what to say. It’s an interesting poem that has sci-fi/ speculative feel to it. It jsut seems out there, in a good way, and just something you have to understand deep down.
I don’t know what you intended with this, but what I got from it was evaluation of life is difficult in hindsight. Images change, and not always for the better. Decisions we make stutter under a stethoscope.
So, perhaps beauty does last forever without intense scrutiny. Do you think there’s more you could add to this, or maybe a second chapter of it? It seems waiting for a continuation. I’d be anxious to read it, definitely!
This poem takes off like a stray dog running in the street. It will either be helped or hit and killed. Demotic didn’t hit until the end when you left the reader wondering about beauty.
This poem can be placed on a post cared somewhere. I think you should invest your time in Blue Mountain Publishing. They are great with freelance writers, and they will publish any work that is good. They publish unpublished authors 12 times a year. You can goolge them and see if you work is ready for them. They do have strict requirements but if you are good the requirements will help you grow. Coaches! 101 is coming out with a book of poems, They do charges a few you should contact them to see what can be done.
thefan@coaches101.org This is a company that was built to help the writers.
I am stumped somewhat myself. I like to flow of the poetry overall. Revision, do you mean to alter yourself or something about you? I feel through the poem that vanity may be an issue (?) I know that there are believes of a greater power (ie: spiritual )having some influence on our being and what we are or have become. I feel as if you are a beautiful person and feel as if your are feeling cursed by it. (lines 11-17) Lines 8-10 seem as if some alteration has taken place(?)
Satchel and back at the ranch gives me the suggestion that you are possibly a ranch hand or even someone who works on a ranch. If that were the case I would think the mountains as being the beauty (colorado, Montana,etc.)I feel by those lines that there is some great improvement swirling in the minds eye and that life is essentially not giving the breaks one needs.
I hope that my impressions help you bring this work together.
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