Starwise reviewed Version 1 -
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What I really liked about this piece was the consistency of imagery, the feeling I got from reading it, especially associated with the title, “The Last Dance”. I got the feeling of music. And numbers, which in my opinion is associated with music, with beats, rhythm, that sort of thing.
Like in “one plus one equal two” and “played from the same refrain in the tune of life”.
I kept skipping past the word “bloody” because of that, though. I think with this sort of imagery you have, words like “dissonant” and “crescendo” and a “rise” and “fall” (all terms that connote a musical atmosphere) would work really well. You could simply cut “whence” out of there, and the line could just be “back where we came”. Whence is an older, archaic word. It’s a fun word, though, but that’s the temptation. The rest of your diction is clearly modern, so when I see something like “whence”, I stumble over it a little.
I also liked the imagery of the “masquerade of life” as it sort of reminded me of some of those old-age masquerade balls where they’re dancing very stiff and solemn, like they’re dead almost, masking their true identities. Very cool.
In fact, in that respect, if you want to push the envelope even more with that sort of imagery (which also ties in with the imagery of music and such), you can take the archaic language and use it throughout the piece, too. Keep whence in there and just use diction that fits the feeling of a certain time period. That might be a stretch, though.
Your lines are perfect. Perfect rhythm. Sounds great reading it. All the words flow with each other like rain. It’s good stuff.
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