Thank you, I’m glad you’re enjoying it even if it is posted in tiny, out of order succession! She is able to go out into the sun – that just gave me so many more options with the story. . . I’m hoping I can piece it all together soon as well!
Young Adult / Winterhaven - The Kill
The human didn’t struggle for long. He was a large man, but no match for vampire strength – they never were. His over two hundred pound body hit the concrete with a satisfying thud but did not stay down. Grumbling incoherently under his breath, the man rolled over and struggled to his feet staggering a bit. I was impressed with his attempt, albeit a sad one, as so many humans just gave up and handed me their pathetic lives without so much as a fight.
”What are you?” The man finally found his voice and was staring at me with frightened eyes. I smiled, knowingly flashing sharp white teeth at him. I crooked a finger and the man willingly leaned in close, obviously now under my charm.
”What am I?” With a light tinkling laugh I responded, “Just a girl” before sinking my fangs into his soft flesh and drinking deeply. The blood was warm and thick and immediately surged through me like electricity, empowering and strengthening me. I did not waste any of the crimson juice. Unlike popular belief, vampires are very neat beings, especially when hunting and drinking. We do not come up from a feeding with our faces covered in blood and a mess at our feet.
I let the man fall when I felt satisfied and lifted myself from the ground. He would probably live; I had not needed to take a fatal amount of his serum as I had just fed the night before. My prey didn’t stir when I dropped him and remained unconscious as I turned and disappeared down the dark alley towards the street.
I had noticed the man smoking outside of a bar and after charming the brick wall of a bouncer I stepped inside taking a seat in the corner. I hardly had time to get comfortable in the tacky pleather booth when the man from outside approached my table. Without waiting to be invited he sat across from me, an action that would normally repulse me, but he smelled so sweet and looked so willing to be manipulated that I did not object.
”I don’t think I’ve ever seen you around here, sweetheart.” I winced at the horrid attempt at a smooth line but managed a flattered smile anyway.
”You wouldn’t have seen me darlin’, I just moved to town.”
”Well in that case maybe I should play host sometime and show you around this dump we all call home.” His smile was nice enough, and he had a rough, masculine look to him. He certainly wasn’t the most impressive looking game I could have hoped for, but smelled wonderful. I only had to suffer through about an hour of the man’s relentless flirtations. He was putting back Jack Daniels like I consumed blood and was pretty tipsy when I suggested we ‘go back to my place’.
Taking about half the man’s weight on my shoulder as we left the bar for the cold, late night, I steered him past the parking garage where he insisted his ‘wicked-cool’ Harley was stationed. I had no intention of hopping on the back of anything this drunk was in control of, even if I couldn’t be injured, and despite my years, I had never learned to drive a motorcycle. Besides, there was a perfectly dark and deserted alley a block up that only the homeless and drug addicts frequented and it was the perfect place to leave a body if I took enough blood to kill the man.
That turned out to be unnecessary I later found out, but I always take the proper precautions towards not being discovered.
It was well past midnight when I finally made it home, but had no desire to sleep. There were only a couple of hours until I would have to get ready for school anyway. So I sat up and waited for time to pass as the sun rose and sent the first morning rays of light shooting through the treetops.
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Kaabii203 reviewed Version 1 -
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Good descriptive words—and the man in the first page…I’m assuming he was the one that was flirting with the vampire in the bar?
I liked it, even though I never read any of the other installments.
“the man rolled over and struggled to his feet staggering a bit.”
That sentence kind of felt weird to me. Maybe you could change it to something that flows more. I think you could just fix it by adding a comma after “feet”
I really liked the ending, by the way.
But aren’t vampires, like, afraid of the light? Like the melt or something?
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Fazzerelli reviewed Version 1 -
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Grumbling after being thrown to the ground and in a potentially life threatening situation sounds rather strange – I can imagine grumbling about humdrum life problems but I’d definately be cursing by the time I’d been thrown about a bit. Also I’m not sure why the physical violence is necessary if the vampire is able to hold humans under her charm and if vampires really were that neat, then charming him in the bar and quenching her thirst as a bit of innocent necking would be more in character, wouldn’t it? I haven’t read anything else you’ve written so can take this piece totally out of context and the best part of it was discovering the female was a schoolgirl – that intrigued and makes me want to read more. Maybe she’s a teacher and I’ve got it wrong! Another thing that bothered me was the fact she just sat around for a couple of hours after getting her feed despite the energy/vitality it gave her. Now I think about it, a schoolgirl hanging around in bars late night sounds a bit dodgy – I guess I’ll just have to read more to find out about her!
Tawny reviewed Version 1 -
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” It was well past midnight when I finally made it home, but had no desire to sleep. There were only a couple of hours until I would have to get ready for school anyway. So I sat up and waited for time to pass as the sun rose and sent the first morning rays of light shooting through the treetops.”
Is your vampire girl a day walker? She goes to school? I can’t wait until you get this book all together. But still its a good read.
the_venus_in_isis reviewed Version 1 -
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Instead of ‘two hundred pound body’ I would suggest ‘two hundred pound frame’. I would also suggest ‘promising thud’ instead of satisfying; it would more accurately fit the situation (hitting the ground with a loud thud, yet refusing to stay down).
What part of his body did the character sink their teeth into his soft flesh? You leave that part out.
‘inside, and took a seat in the corner.’
‘we all call home.’ This makes the line sound awkward. I would eliminate those four words, or phrase it differently.
‘but, still, he smelled wonderful.’ The still will keep it from sounding repetitive.
Overall, it was engrossing and interesting. You write the character well, and it doesn’t feel like you leave parts of the thought process out, make it feel complete to the reader, which is key to understanding and developing an aesthetic relationship with the character. Well done.
wolfie_pink reviewed Version 1 -
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This was good. I like how the the vampire in this story happens to be a girl and not a guy as you usually see it.
MARCH reviewed Version 1 -
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I haven’t read the previous installments, but enjoyed reading this one. You description of the victims and her surroundings were very good. I also like how she was a neat vampire unlike how most people portray them. All in all I liked and want to know if she’s able to live in the day also?
A_Silly_Lady_Novelist reviewed Version 1 -
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This is a very interesting take on vampires, I think. I’m assuming you’ve read the Twilight series, which seems to be all the rage these days, and I think it’s a nice change from the perfect, moral vampires that authors like Meyer and Rice are so fond of, yet not the pure evil ones like Strokers or Kostova like. Your tone seemed a bit contrived in the first part (. . .fatal amount of his serum. . .), the second part was much more natural and flowed better. The drunk had a good personality and didn’t seem like a plot device at all. (I.E: not a 1D character.) I’m intrigued by the notion of a vampire at school; I will definitely check your series out.
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