Iris I will post the review after Coronation St, lol. Its quite long As theres a lot of editing advice.
Maria
Short Story / THE TEARS OF THE PHOENIX (Analysis)
“Check,” a voice announced.
“What?!”
“Checkmate,” the same voice declared his triumph.
“Hey! That’s not fair! I haven’t prepared to lose, yet!”
“I don’t care. You’re too careless, geezer.”
“Did you just bluff me, Kiril Rouge Aves?!”
“It’s your own fault that you moved that knight,” Kiril retorted. His vermilion long hair fluttered while he stood up. He walked across the chamber to pick up his coat and headed toward the exit.
“Are you going, now?”
“I’ve got a test tomorrow.”
York City in the mid December was covered with nothing but white glittering snow. This night was quiet and foggy. It seemed like all the lights were perished in unison. A silhouette moved though the snowy road without caring about the coming snowstorm. The snow gradually melted after he stepped on it and made him a clear cement road along the way. He unhitched his coat and walked cross the Ouse Bridge. Suddenly, the frozen River Ouse started to melt along with his shadow. He finally stopped at Clifford Street where most of the electricity ran out.
“What do you want from me?” His voice did not sound surprised at all. A huge figure appeared behind him.
“I can’t believe that the boss is right about you, Mr. Hit man.” A low voice echoed in the darkness. “No one is mad enough to wander around the freezing city like you.”
‘Mr. Hit man’ turned to face his visitor. He was a guy that reached 2 meters tall with a huge overcoat and long thick scarf around his neck.
“The boss wants to see you,” said the huge guy. “He has something worthwhile for you to do.”
“And where is your boss?” replied ‘Mr. Hit man’. “I don’t prefer someone who sends only their underlings to see me.”
Several shapes appeared and surrounded their target, each with laser guns in their hands. ‘Mr. Hit man’ did not move, neither his visitors.
“You should know what circumstance you’re in.” The huge guy aimed his laser gun before his target. He couldn’t guess which mood was behind those dark glasses of the surrounded guy. “Our Quad Scanner shows us that you have no weapon with you.”
The huge guy touched on his ear receiver and Cadillac DeVille Limousine appeared beside the sidewalk. One of his men walked slowly to open the door.
“Don’t blame us, Mr. Hit man. The boss really needs your help. Now, please get in.”
‘Mr. Hit man’ seemed to think of something and walked obediently to the car. It was not that he couldn’t fight these armed men but the interesting point was the car’s appearance. Citizens in York City loved to have small cars. Not so many limousines were able to be seen around here.
(This boss they referred to must be one of the underground businessmen in York. Interesting!)
The Limousine ran passed the Clifford’s Tower and though Tower Street. Then, the light street started to light up showed the driver his destination. A huge chateau appeared in the passengers’ sight. It was painted in peacock blue and adorned with many sculptures of gods and angels. The chateau’s gate was made by an infrared ray sensor device which protected the area from any outsiders. The Limousine passed the enormous garden before they reached the chateau.
“By the way, my name is Walter,” introduced the huge guy. “I am in charge of you tonight.”
The Limousine stopped in front of the front door and they got off the car. The maids quickly came to welcome them and took their overcoats. Walter led ‘Mr. Hit man’ to the elevator to the fourth floor. The huge Quad Scanner was set up in front of the big meeting room on the fourth floor. The door was made of timber wood that carved a beautiful mermaid. Walter knocked on the door and then stepped in. A 5×1 meters timber desk was placed in the middle of the room. A man sat at one edge of the desk facing his new guest. Behind him stood 2 men, guarded their boss.
“Welcome, Mr. Kiril Rouge Aves, to my Aqua Regia.” The man stood up. Walter bowed to his boss and stepped aside. The boss gazed at Kiril with his big eyes as if they were examining him. “You seem a bit different from what I’ve heard of you.”
“Young, you mean?” Kiril replied with a chaste smile.
When Kiril took off his dark glasses, he was no different from a normal college boy. But what caught the others eyes were his vermilion long hair tied to the back that matched his white pale skin and his black sweater. He was about 185 cm tall and didn’t seem to reach the age of 20. His sharp ruby eyes were fixed at Walter’s boss. The man seemed to be satisfied after explored Kiril’s attitude.
“Let me introduce myself,” said the man with his low tone. “I am Lord Aqua Regia, the owner of this fabulous chateau. I am truly sorry for inviting you to my place at a time like this.”
“You called that ‘inviting’?” Kiril glanced at Walter with a jeering look. “I don’t think that was a proper manner after all.”
“Well, that was necessary because you’re my special guest.” Fifty laser machine guns emerged from all the wall’s sides and the ceiling. All of them aimed at the Lord’s special guest. A second later, 2 electrical ray sensor devices spouted from the ceiling to protect Lord Aqua Regia and his men.
“You didn’t seem surprised at all, Mr. Aves.” Lord Aqua Regia satirized with a mocking smile. “Let’s see what a number one assassin can do!”
As soon as the Lord finished his words, the laser machine guns enfiladed all over the room. The bullets didn’t pierce though the walls because they were bullet-proof. Kiril ran around the room, trying to avoid those shots. Then he slipped a cartridge and fell down on the floor. Hundreds of shots were aiming at him. The floor blasted out with smoke that covered the room. Lord Aqua Regia and his men couldn’t see anything except the dim shadow that they expected to be Kiril. Walter quickly pressed the switch to stop the machine guns before his boss choked on the smoke. Then he saw a diffused light from the place where his target should lie. The light got brighter and brighter. It seemed like the luminous light slowly consumed the smoke that pressured the room and made it get warmer and sultry. What they could see after the smoke was gone frightened them. Kiril stood there motionless with licking flames brazed all over his body! His red eyes glanced at the machine guns then shifted to the Lord and his men. Hundreds of cartridges scattered around his body. Some were melting because of the torrid atmosphere. The assassin didn’t hurt at all.
“Don’t you think that it’s too impertinent to do such thing to your guest?” His cold expression and that chilly look froze them even though the room’s temperature was now close to 50ºC. “Are you trying to kill…me?”
Suddenly, the flames that overspread his body increased their power and formed an immense Phoenix. The fire bird shrieked with its high pitch voice then flapped its wings and hovered across the room. All the machine guns that the bird touched were all liquated. The Phoenix finally made its destination at its master’s left shoulder. Walter gave a little cry after his electrical ray sensor device was damaged by the blaze.
“So…so it’s true then,” Lord Aqua Regia gulped down his saliva. “They said that you are able to contact with the ancient Phoenix.”
“I’m afraid that your informed sources are not as good as mine,” Kiril gave him a cunning smile. “For your information, my Lord, my power is to control them.”
Lord Aqua Regia did not like that smile at all. The boy seemed like a totally different person from that cheerful teenager. His red eyes seemed like a scanner that trying to read his mind. The atmosphere around him was feeling cramped. It made him became more and more uncomfortable even though this was his own place. It seemed like disasters were waiting that calm and tranquil countenances of the assassin.
“Now, let’s make a deal.” Lord Aqua Regia gathered his courage and faced Kiril. “You work for me. I pay you your remunerations. Deal?”
“Ah! I think it’s not quite appropriate to accept this invitation,” Kiril glanced at the Lord with his sly eyes. Walter felt like this wily lad was using psychology with them. It’s like the boy wanted to make them go wild. Walter didn’t like this pressure at all. The bodyguards were also shaking with fears.
“Deal.”
“What?”
Kiril’s word made them stunned. “I hope that your story can thrill me.” He turned his back toward the men. “I believe that you know where to find me. Send me the profile by tomorrow. I’ll bring you the gift in 2 days.” The Phoenix sprang from its master’s shoulder and ran into the timber door. The door blazed down at once into ashes. Kiril moved through the door and down the elevator. As he ambled down to the first floor, all the electric sensor devices and electric cameras were all burned down as if the hit man didn’t want anyone to see or know about his appearance in this chateau.
On the fourth floor, the 2 bodyguards were helping their boss to stand on his feet. Walter was trying to communicate with his servile through his wireless phone but it seemed like Kiril’s fire had destroyed all the communication devices. He then walked to scrutinize the elevator.
(It’s still working… That crazy shaver destroys almost every tool we’ve got.)
Walter led his boss to the observatory. The guards reported to him that most of their close-circuit cameras around the chateau were destroyed by someone the cameras couldn’t catch. Many electrical instruments were also damaged. Lord Aqua Regia pondered to himself for a minute, and then turned to give Walter his order.
“Go ahead after him and see where he goes,” The Lord commanded. “I want to know where exactly he is.” Walter nodded and quickly went out of the observatory. He went out to the terrace and touched his wireless earphone. A Mustang Cobra appeared at once. Walter jumped in and drove through the chateau’s gate. He pulled out his GPS and searched for electrical signal from the tracking equipment he had put into Kiril’s coat. But his GPS did not respond at all.
Kiril headed back to the place where he left. It was a small elegant coffee shop with wireless internet café on Fetter Lane. This coffee shop also served a teleport mailing house by WARP. WARP were special equipments used to transport things to other places that also set up these equipments. It used a lot of electricity so its cost was very high. Kiril looked behind to see if there’s anyone come after him. Now the coffee shop was already closed, but he knew how to get in. He put his hand on the finger-print scanner beside the shop’s bar. When the password accessed, he quietly entered the shop.
“Oi! Why are you still here, Kiril?” A bass-like voice greeted him from the darkness. “And look! You sneaked into my house!”
“Oh, sorry about that,” Kiril walked passed the counter to face the shop master. He was a short and midget old man with his generous face smiled to everyone he met. “I really need your help, Reuben.”
“I thought you have a test tomorrow, if I am not mistaken?” The elderly teased the young man. Reuben knew Kiril since he was a child. He had been taking care of the boy since his parents died of a plane accident years ago. The parents left him a great amount of possessions. But that wealth didn’t fascinate Reuben at all. The old man raised the boy as if the boy was his own son. It seemed like Reuben was the only one who knew all about Kiril’s special ability. Reuben didn’t oppose Kiril at all and let the boy do whatever he wanted because Reuben knew that Kiril was audacious and able to protect himself. He always knew what the boy was thinking. “Don’t tell me that you are now in trouble.”
“Not quite,” Kiril answered perfunctory. “Someone follows me and put this trash in my pocket.” The young man pulled out crumble electrical tracking equipment from his coat. Then he incinerated it at once. “I need your WARP to send me home.” The old man found nothing in those ruby eyes when they made eyes contact. Then he gave up and headed to the elevator. Kiril followed his chaperone to the third floor to the room where the WARP was set up. The old man touched the computer screen and the device was ready to work. Kiril stepped into the electrical glass ball and turned to face Reuben.
“Is this ‘someone’ your client?” The elderly asked the young man.
“They’ll send the profile tomorrow.” Kiril shrugged his shoulders. “I’ll do it after school, ok?”
“Alright, good night then,” said Reuben with a genial smile. “Don’t forget to study for your test.”
“Right,” Kiril gave a warm smile to the only person he would do that to. “Good night, geezer.”
Reuben pushed the button, and then his grandson disappeared.
The next night Kiril appeared on the Carmelite Street with all the electrical equipments he needed. In front of him was a huge Victorian mansion where his target was. This mission differed from other missions Kiril had finished. This time his target was not a human being but an electric hurricane turbine device that was stored secretly in the mansion. The agreement also ordered him to annihilate every human being inside the mansion together with the mansion itself. This made Kiril wonder about the task. The information that Lord Aqua Regia sent to him didn’t tell much of the details such as who was the owner of the mansion and why did the Lord wanted to destroy that hurricane turbine. So the boy used up his afternoon free time to search the information about this device by himself. Even though he worked and walked on the underground businesses path, he didn’t care so much about events that happened among the bad guys. After he went around the hideouts of the underground men he had been to, he found out that Lord Aqua Regia’s hideout in Kent had been attacked a year ago. At that time, his hurricane turbine that produced super strong winds was stolen. Kiril couldn’t find out who was behind this action but it seemed that the Lord was not pleased at all.
It was half past eight when Kiril finished his electrical devices set up that confined anyone except himself to get out of the mansion. Then he shifted through the gate to which he had unlocked the electric wire and got into the mansion. The mansion was decorated similar to old Victorian style mixed with today’s life high technology. There were close-circuit cameras all over the place. The guards were all new model robots with weapons setup. They had electrical signal among them to communicate with each other and the observatory. Kiril didn’t care about those robots but he tried to avoid them so there wouldn’t be any battle. The only thing he wanted to do now was to find that hurricane turbine and devastate it. The hit man found his way through the cellar. It was way different from the mansion above.
(It’s really a neat basement.)
Kiril silently and carefully sneaked into the basement. This time was more difficult than when he had sneaked into the mansion. Because the basement was setup with many heat sensor devices along the hallway. The floor was also secured with weight sensors if anyone who had different weight that did not register in the main control computer, it would detect it. Kiril had no choice but to use his glide boots. He had a hard time control his own body temperature before it get too high because of his moody temper. Then he found a way to a vault that had high technology of security. He pulled himself down from flying and put his hand on the control panel. The fire burst out and the panel slowly melted down into ashes. All the devices were collapsed and the automatic door was opened. He landed in the middle of the room and started to search for the turbine.
BANG!
The automatic abruptly closed and Kiril couldn’t find any more exits!
(It’s a trap!?)
Suddenly, hundreds of electrical wires sprouted from all directions! They unexpectedly darted toward their target.
“Shit!”
The boy paused for a breath and sprang himself up into the air. He swiftly pulled out his laser pistol and struck those wires. Some that were hit by his special laser bullets were all bursting into cinders. But the hit man’s gun was not much useful equipment. He threw it away to the side and used his own power instead.
BOOM!!
Kiril set those wires that got too close to him on fire. He stamped his feet on the floor and the jet sprang out of his boot. He concentrated on his power and struck an enormous fire ball directed to the door. But his attempt did not work.
“What the!?”
But Kiril had no time to think. Those electrical wires were still chasing him. The boy nimbly glided around the room trying to find the exits. Then an electrical wire came from below hauled him down to the floor. His head was smacked with another electrical wire and it released electric current into him.
“AAAGGG!”
His fire immediately blasted out and it destroyed half the vault. Kiril tried to stand while held on to his head. That electric current affected his nervous system and dazed him. The boy composed himself and rapidly stood up.
“You are much more tolerant than I thought.” An unfriendly voice came into his mind. “Do you know that each of my wires contain more than 200 kilowatts? Normal human being can’t stand that like you. You are very interesting!”
A monitor screen appeared from his left. It was Lord Aqua Regia and his men who were behind all of this. Kiril gnashed with anger. His rage caused flames to blast out from his body. This stopped the wires from coming near him.
“What do you want from me!?” The dazed boy shouted to the monitor. This question seemed to satisfy the Lord. He gave his target a cunning smile.
“What do I want? I want your power.” He looked through the boy’s sharp eyes without fear. “I set all this up to trap you here. Now, call out your phoenix.”
Kiril understood right away. The Lord had heard about his special ability and the ancient phoenix that was able to annihilate all his targets into scraps. He wanted to control the underground business world by using Kiril’s special ability. If he was able to control the phoenix, he would be able to rule the world in fear.
“You can’t escape anymore, young lad.” The Lord clapped his hands and he walls of the vault disappeared. Those robots that guarded the mansion scattered around the room and surrounded Kiril. The boy couldn’t do anything much because those robots had laser guns in their hands. He inhaled and then rushed to face the robots.
“I’ll bite you to death!” The boy’s voice hardly came out of him. The robots did not wait for any order from the Lord but mustered and spilled the laser toward their target. Kiril moved as fast as he could to dodge all the shots. He hit one on its chest—turned around and shoved away another—blazed those behind and above him down to the floor. While Kiril struggled with the robots, Lord Aqua Regia watched impressed. He snapped and the electrical wires were back to work. They grabbed, grasped, snatched, clutched, gripped, seized him, and finally caught him and bind him with the wall. Kiril had no way to escape now. He couldn’t even move his finger. If he tried to pull out his fire, those electric wires would shock his entire body. Kiril felt tired and fatigued the first time in his life. He even didn’t had any power left o cry out.
“It seems like you’re now debilitated.” Lord Aqua Regia appeared beside him. “Because you destroyed my monitor screen and many of my beloved robots, you made me walked down here!” He slapped Kiril on the face. The boy didn’t feel it. His whole body was already numb because of the electricity.
“Now, call out your phoenix!” The Lord commanded. Kiril did nothing. He did not even move or respond to the Lord. His motionless made the Lord became more furious. He snapped again and hundreds of kilowatts flew into Kiril’s body.
“AAAAAAAAGGGGGGGG!!!”
The boy’s consciousness was vague and nearly faded away. The Lord didn’t like the situation at all. It seemed like this shaver was trying to protect the phoenix till he died. The lad didn’t even use his power to defend himself from the electricity. Lord Aqua Regia pondered awhile. Then he turned to Walter and commanded.
“Walter! Raise the electric current to 10 megawatts. I want to see if he can stand it or not!”
Even though Walter felt sorry for the young lad, he still had to obey his boss’s order. He pressed the switch and the boy screamed with pain.
“Higher!”
Walter pressed the switch up to 50 megawatts. Kiril screamed with anguish and he couldn’t control himself anymore. The boy’s body was rapidly healed by the flame that slowly ignited. Then the flame started to grow more and more until it burned all the electrical wires. Kiril’s body was released but the boy was still unconscious. Suddenly, he opened his eyes. Those ruby eyes shined and illuminated and his fire started to form a figure of a bird. The Lord watched the phenomenon with amusement.
(Finally, the invincible power will become mine!)
But what he thought would never become true. The fire bird burst out in a huge circle that immediately covered the whole mansion.
“AAHH! The mansion is on fire!”
“Fire!”
The Lord’s underlings were all panic. But they couldn’t escape out of the mansion because of Kiril’s electrical devices that prevented them from getting out. A moment later, the mansion was burnt down and no one could escape out of it.
“Kiril…Kiril.”
“Ah…Ma…Mackenzie?”
Kiril finally woke up in the middle of the mist. He still hurt his head but he was now able to move a little. He tried to look around but with his injured eyes, he couldn’t see well.
“Don’t worry, dear boy, I’ve cured you.” A generous soft voice made him felt better and calm. He turned to face the voice. SHE was an immense Phoenix with flame covered around her body. Her red feathers were glittering and glimmering under her flame light. The flame was so warm and comfortable and didn’t hurt him at all. He knew this phoenix…knew since he was a child. Her golden eyes were wet with tears and Kiril found himself soaked with pure water.
“I remembered, now,” Kiril gave an innocent smile to his savior. “Phoenix’s tears can be healing wounds.”
“You’ve protect me from that greedy man,” Mackenzie used her warm flame to help him stood up. “You’re my savior.”
“I did nothing at all. I can’t even protect myself.” Kiril cried out. He felt indignant and provoked. “I’m so sorry, Mackenzie. Maybe you shouldn’t lend me your power.”
The phoenix shook her beautiful head. “You’re the only one who knows how to use it and the only one who use it well. You have used this power of mine to protect people. You’re earned it.” They made an eye contact. Kiril’s ruby eyes gleamed against Mackenzi’s golden eyes. Then they gave each other happy and friendly smiles as if they understood each others minds.
“You will continue on your life and I will be with you forever.” The gorgeous Phoenix raised her red wings and hovered to the shining sky.
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ellome reviewed Version 1 -
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purseonwheels reviewed Version 2 -
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Angela_Kay reviewed Version 2 -
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“receiver and Cadillac DeVille ” - and a Cadillac…..
“Then, the light street started to light up showed the driver his destination” - I’d reword this sentence.
The story was interesting but really needs a strong edit. There are a lot of missing words, sentences that need to be rephrased and words that need to be changed (for example: passed – past)
The story itself was pretty decent but the “print” has a ways to go. Good start though.
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BigMamaMags reviewed Version 2 -
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You really know how to write a story. Aside from some typos, This was truly a very good story. The plot is new and refreshing. The characters of Reuben and especially Kiril are very well thought out and likeable. I wasn’t sure about Kiril at first, but he redeemed himself. I wish that you had put more of how the phoenix came to be with him. A very exciting and enjoyable read. Good Job. Hope to read more.
nelson1 reviewed Version 2 -
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I think the premise of your story is very good and full of imagination. Like the use of the phoenix throughout.
There is a serious amount of editing needed to, 1) cut this down 2) improve sentence structure and make it easier on your reader.
Suggested edits as follows.
You’re too careless geezer- I think man would be more oftem said in speech than geezer (and what is the relevence of the opening para to the rest of the story, is the following story related to the chess game or the test, this confuses me)
It seemed like all the lights were perished(perished means to die or rot) -suggest changing this to extinguished or switched off.
You say the the snow was melting after he stepped on it. Suggest- the snow melted before each step, leaving a clear pathway ahead of him.
unhitched- this seems an inapproppriate usage-to unhitch is to unhook, I would stick to saying, he unfastened/undid his coat and removed it.
You say the electricity ran out(on the lamps up the street) Why is this?
Mr. Hit man- why not just type, Mr Hitman (also is Mr hitman a character who is sent to pick up Kiril or is he Kiril. I was a little confused here.
York City in the mid December- York City in mid-December.
You should know what circumstances you’re in. I really dont think a hit man would say circumstances, maybe he would say trouble or shit you’re in.
no weapon-no weapons
the guy reached two metres tall(reaching is the physical action) suggest, the man stood about two metres tall.
and Cadillac Deville-and a Cadillac Deville.
I dont prefer- suggest- I’d rather speak to the boss than his underlings.
love to have small cars-love to own
stopped in front of the front door- suggest-pulled up outside the front door.
the door was made of timber wood-wood is timber/ timber that carved a beautiful mermaid. the door was made of wood-on it was a beautifully carved mermaid design.
the huge guy aimed his lazer gun before his target-at his target.
he slipped a cartridge- he loaded
what the could see-what they saw
you were abled to contact with the pheonix- were abled to make contact with the pheonix
it made him became-become.
though Tower Street-through
the light street started to light up- this does not make sense
Walter intruduced. he introduced himself as Walter.
A lot of you descriptions are about how big/huge enormous things and people were, I think using other discriptions apart from height as it may be less tiresome for the reader.
stood, two men guarded the boss. stood two men who guarded their boss
Aqua Regia. describe was is aqua regia , let the reader see it or tell them what it represents.
how can you not seem to reach the age of twenty- this lost me completely
Fixed at-fixed on
the man seemed satisfied after explored kirils attitude- restructure – the man seemed satisfied after exploring Kirils attitude. Also tell the reader how tjhis was done.
explain how the lazors protected Aquas men, Where they creating a force field?
Enfiladed, suggest saying fired instead , very few people know that word meaning
servile- servant
he was a short and midget looking man- he was a midget of a man
died of a -died in a plane accident.
This does need serious editing, however your punctuation is very good through out. I think a lot of things could be cut down via the editing advice given. :)
caravans reviewed Version 2 -
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the 3rd line – I would leave out ‘his’, just to keep us guessing.
...lights were perished… ? ‘had’ perished might be better except that perish is usually reserved for living things: the forests, the animals, the fish have all perished. Lights usually just go out or are extinguished or whatever.
A silhouette moved though the snowy road without caring about the coming snowstorm. – what’s the point here? Then I wondered if this is science fiction. Does the snow melt because the silhouette radiates heat? Or is it just slushy snow in which shoes leaves footprints?
(by the way, the dialogue is GOOD!)
The snow gradually melted after he stepped on it and made him a clear cement road along the way. – what does this mean? The snow turned into cement after he stepped on it?
the frozen River Ouse started to melt along with his shadow. What? The river AND the shaddow are melting?
laser gun before his target. He couldn’t guess which mood… – Who is wearing the (dark?) glasses?
I won’t go past p.2 There is too muchsimple stuff that needs clarifying. Go through it carefully. I was surprised the description was so confusing after such a great beginning dialogue!
Chrysalis reviewed Version 2 -
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There is no hook or anything to interest the reader. Chess is boring… I’d take that out completely and insert the character details some other way. You need to really hook your reader with a dynamic scene.
Do another proof- though should be through. Lights don’t perish. Cross should be across. 2 should be two.
Word choice is distracting and slightly annoying. Vermillion, perished, glittering, etc. are marks of an amateur writer that got thesaurus-happy.
Sorry, I’m not interested in reading on.
varo_borja reviewed Version 2 -
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Alice_Headband reviewed Version 1 -
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BrianA reviewed Version 1 -
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WowWow! This is a fantastic story in many, many ways. And you my friend have the number one quality, that sets ordinary writers apart from great writers – imagination. The story was well staged, and the dialogue was good in the main. I loved the way you have incorporated Shakespeare’s Phoenix poem into a modern day context and made it the protector of the boy. The idea of the healing tears was a brilliant twist. The relationship between the boy and the old `geezer’ was also well developed. Okay, that said the story has elemental problems mainly based in the quality of expression and your use of words which I am sure you are aware of. I could go through and pick the daylights out of it, but I won’t. As it is this review is going to cost 210 credits at the minmimum because of length. I think you could shorten it and not go so over the top with laser bullets etc. My advice to you is check the meanings of some of the words you have used, and where you have used them (`you’re now dilapidated’ – did you mean `debilitated’ and so on)- sometimes big words (like `perfunctory’ are distracting, so don’t try so hard using them, and have a look at tense `was’ for `were’, also look at number e.g. `electrical equipment(s)’. These things matter, because they make a reader stop, and you don’t want them to. Little things like the name of the mansion and the guys name being the same put me off a bit. The only way to improve your expression is to read lots, get used to the conventions of the language, until they become second nature.
So it needs a lot of work – but the ideas shine through. If I were you (I started writing at 13) I would put this aside and write something else and come back to it later. Keep writing whatever, and good luck with this. If you want more help or info, send me a message.
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