It did. This illness lasted for 6 weeks. Couldn`t think of anything else but the crud when I had it. Thank you for your comments.
Poetry / The Crud
Feeling yucky is no fun,
But knowing you must go,
Out upon the streets to tend,
To your young one needs.
Appointments every where you go,
None of them for you.
Coughing, sneezing, sleepy most times,
Getting no where, feeling blue.
But there is an end in sight,
One day I will be,better
But it takes so long
A month or more it seems.
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smileygirl reviewed Version 1 -
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I enjoyed your poem. It has subject matter that many people can certainly relate to! (: I don’t think there is a person out there who hasn’t felt overwhelmed when sick. I like that you gave the reason WHY many of us go out and do what is necessary:
Out upon the streets to tend,
To your young one needs.
It gave the poem a more personal feel.
I’m not sure if the repetition of the word “go” was very successful. Was it intentional, or just lazy word choice? That I can’t tell is not a good sign. Repeating it may have been useful to create a rushed mood, as in
But knowing you must go,go,go!
Overall, a fun read. Good job! (:
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starla77 reviewed Version 1 -
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I cannot really connect with the poem. I think maybe you should use stronger words, words referring to senses so that a reader can empathize more with your feelings. Maybe you could add another stanza in the middle in which you go on describing what’s like being sick, because the last part of the poem starts with: “But there is an end in sight”, but you have not said enough yet to anticipate an end…
Hope this can help.
meltonbooks reviewed Version 1 -
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very nice. if i was going to change something it would be the line “to your young one needs.” i would change one to ones
Sweettouch reviewed Version 1 -
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I am not happy with what seems to haphazard misplaced punctuation. your line breaks and your punctuation seem to be vying for a place and keep the reader from a smooth transition.
should not every where be everywhere
sleepy most times?
if I may:
feeling yucky is no fun
nor is knowing out you have to go
young one to attend
appointments
appointments everywhere
not a one of them for you
coughing
sneezing
sleepy all the time
getting nowhere
feeling blue
looking for the end
the end it is in sight
one day soon I will be better
yet, it seems to take so long
hard to wait a month or more
then we all have our own way don’t we?
Blue_Eyes reviewed Version 1 -
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The poem itself is fine. Not much imagery to speak of, but I’m sure that most people can at least relate to the subject matter. A few spelling/punctuation errors that I would fix, but nothing that overtly takes away from the message. :)
oknapp reviewed Version 1 -
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I know what you are saying, kids , kids , kids. I like it very much but i think you could add more stuff. Do you have the flu?
Being sick is not much fun, espically a case of the flu. And then theres all the places you must go and none of them for you. Something in this kind of rhyme sceme. Mothers everywhere can identify with this. I suggest you try to find some key words and find away to make them thyme. What goes with kids and sickness? you might ask yourself. What i do is list what i call key words before i write. Sometimes this can be very helpful. Kids-ballgames, Pta, cooking, scrubbing, nagging, storytelling, foodfights. I hope i have helped in someway. I feel that this poem could be more detailed and flushed out. Feeling yuky is too general. oK Sandi K.
Focker777 reviewed Version 1 -
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Feeling yucky is no fun,
But knowing you must go,
Out upon the streets to tend,
To your young one needs.
Lol..I like that you used the word “yucky”..
:]
youngwriter92 reviewed Version 1 -
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Your poem is really good i like it. I don’t read much poetry i’m a book person but i like yours
ClaudetheHare reviewed Version 1 -
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Ah. A nice universal piece. I’m wondering how much language you put into this piece. Was it written verbatim? I know it can be more structured.
So far, it is on the verge of being very delightful. Think sunny!
brokenhand reviewed Version 1 -
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I will be gentle :)
Firstly, your end stop lines do not all need punctuation. You should take out all of the punctuation that wouldn’t be there in prose (example: “But knowing you must go,/ Out upon the streets to tend,” neither of these lines need commas).
Secondly, you should decide whether or not you want to write a rhyming poem. Your meter and cadence is set so that a rhyme is expected, and it happens in the third stanza, but is missing in the first and third.
I think you should write the whole poem from the first person point of view. You do this in the last stanza (which I think is your best stanza) but in the other ones you write about the second person you (which is also known as the accusatory person). I think the whole poem would sound much better from the 1st person pov.
Good Luck
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