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Non-fiction / THE FUTURE
Dear citizens of 2008. You are doomed to this:
The sun is one thousandth of a percent redder.
McDonalds have terraformed Saturn.
Potato harvesting is the most wanted profession in the universe, with an income of over 30 million credits per annum.
Excretion is banned. The underclass are made to hold up the few remaining trees to stop them falling over.
Jumpsuits are the only legal form of clothing, colour-coded according to rank and class. Yellow is the lowest class, followed by orange, red and the highest of all is imperial purple. Each persons’ suit is tailored to their own genetic make-up so that people don’t swap suits and pretend to be a higher class and rank than they are.
Squirrels have their rectums sewn up and last until they are filled with food. The splatter upon explosion is then turned into an acceptable pate.
Sea is non existent – salt falls from the sky in winter instead of snow. The Earth is shrivelled and barren. The only industry that it boasts is the magma industry in which large quantities of magma are sold for thousands of credits per tonne to wealthy yet collapsing planets.
Swimmers are found to be useless. Their caps are pulled over their heads and they are refused entry into sewers (N.B. Sewers now redundant – see above).
All human beings who choose to stay on their home planet must be neutered. Any offspring needed for labour are achieved by cloning.
Neptune becomes the planet of choice for the New World Order. Those who remain on Earth are turned into form of super-crisp walking potato chip leaking vegetable fat (known as the McCains).
Cars are banned. Tachyon trains are used instead; they travel faster than the speed of light, fly and each person has their own carriage. More can be paid for a shared carriage. The size depends on payment. Bribery is encouraged.
Policemen are blinded. The new police force is based around the concept that at any given time the officer must assume someone is committing a crime and arrest the person regardless of their innocence.
War is a thing of the past as it involves two super powers fighting for super-super power. Now there is only one super-power this cannot happen, so genocide occurs instead.
Beetroot mutates into a life form stronger that the average man. Soon a war will form between the manufacturers of beetroot and the spherical beetroot crusaders out to crush mankind.
Beef continues to be a staple food, despite the extinction of cows. Cells from cows have been preserved and from these, various beef components, such as spare ribs, are cloned for consumption.
The Chip Wars have been raging for a millennium. I have been a member of the Grease Police for an age and am looking to unite the Planet McDonalds with the remaining people on Earth while they refuse to take their cloned cow burgers from the wretched capitalists.
It was recently discovered that in the year 3 million BC humans were causing such havoc on their designated extra-solar moon that their memories were wiped and their possessions taken away and they were dumped on the Earth. This marked the beginning of human history on Earth. History is now banned.
Intoxication and drug abuse has been replaced with baseball. Those who refuse to conform to the rules of baseball will be shot.
The universe is silent. Telepathy is the only legal form of communication. Since good thoughts have been found to be far less productive than corrupt thoughts, anyone who thinks a good thought will automatically be electrocuted to death.
The alphabet has been deemed too advanced for the lower orders. They are made to worship cheeseburgers instead.
Hemp is disallowed.
Marriage is only legally binding for one day, as a means of trying out the concept with a potential life partner.
Sandwiches must only be made with metal, as bread is too nutrient-draining.
Nobody is allowed to excrete valuable nutrients. It is for this reason that excretion is banned. People are required by government to undergo dialysis twice a day and the nutrients are purified.
All persons must house and grow at least one mould on their body for medical use.
Kangaroos are used as shopping baskets. Anyone complaining about the mucus from the pouch will be shot for ungratefulness. However, since gratefulness is a good thought, anyone grateful will also be shot. Anyone dropping their change will be shot too. Environmentalists, animal rights activists and religion are banned. Moustaches are banned.
A large potato has been grown over Chiswick.
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IndyWalsh reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I don’t know if this was written for humor, but I certainly got a few worthy laughs if not giggles out of this piece. It’s scary, It’s so far-fetched, but i can definitely see – some – of it happening.
It very much resembles the world as it is now, if you look into it further enough, not taking it quite so literally.
I really liked it.
Kudos, well written.
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Cherubim27 reviewed Version 1 -
Read 67% of the Item
I am not sure how you consider this non fiction. I know I have not read the entire thing but at this point it seems to be a science fiction sort of writing and it is a bit bizzare and incomprehensible to me. I am sure there are many people who enjoy this type of writing and I am not trying to upset you, but I don’t find it meets the criteria you selected. Other than that I do think you have a great imagination and have a lot of talent for science fiction type work and encourage you to keep writing.
DCAllen reviewed Version 1 -
Read 100% of the Item
I want what you’re smoking. As always, funny, bizarre, worth reading to the last drop. There is a frightening emphasis on not going to the bathroom here that makes me smile.
Proofreading notes:
Each persons’ = person’s
Intoxication and drug abuse has been replaced = have
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