Not only have I thought about your suggestions, I’m losing my mind with all the possible plot twists. Now the inside of my head can match the outside. Bald-bald-bald. FADED GENES and VEINS OF EDEN have generated so much discussion that I’m almost sorry I displayed them publicly. Also, there has been much debate. I created FADED GENES after a friend informed me about the plot in VEINS OF EDEN sounding much like a new movie (which I still haven’t checked out) where a tree of life cured someone or something. Not wishing to invest valuable time as a “wanabe” I restructured the story and renamed it—even though my original idea resulted from one of my bazaar dreams. Then I was told my NEW idea was a copycat. Now, mindless and hairless, I’m informed (by many who are interested and seem to know about every new book or movie) to “go for it”. Gradually I will be posting fragments from my other 27 books. Some of those are from dreams. I almost dread what interest, comments or accusations shall be produced. However, I do thank you for your review.
Sci Fi & Fantasy / FADED GENES
“Look, this is great. But so far you’ve only shown us a paradise of young adults with nothing to do but play all day. Lord knows what goes on at night. Let’s get down to business.”
“Right,” his wife said, placing an aging hand over her husband’s. “We were assured this was a retirement community. The best in existence. ‘The best money can buy’ the brochure said.”
“A million bucks worth,” her husband said. “Where are the people our age? We haven’t seen one person over the age of thirty.”
The young man behind the mahogany desk stood up with a perfect smile and his hands waving. “Wakeup Mr. And Mrs. Hansen. All those young folks you see having a good time out there . . . You are looking at you.”
………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
“I don’t understand you. The power to change the world. Save mankind. Abolish old age.” The old-timer slowly shook his head and balled both fists in despair. “And you choose to hide it like this.”
“We think you will understand, Mr. Hansen. That’s why you were selected to be a part of this . . . experiment. What have you done your whole life? Chase the money. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Hansen, I’ve got news for you. This is not about the money. And you can stop running now.” The man’s face turned seedy. “From death itself if you prefer.”
A tranquil silence swept the small office.
“Believe it or not, that’s what we’re offering. A million dollars worth? Ha! No more death. Everlasting life.”
The couple’s eyes lit up with disbelief, darting back and forth between their host and each other’s.
Mrs. Hansen spoke first. “Do you have any proof you can give us? Excuse us, but this is too—so . . . “
The young man waved an arm, as though no words were necessary, as though he had heard every possible expression before. “Yes, it is,” he said. “And in the minds of the wrong people what we have uncovered would destroy the world. But, ah! It’s proof that you seek.”
“Yes,” Mr. Hansen said, nodding from the edge of his chair. His eyes were waiting, begging to believe.
“In a short time. But for now let’s just say, my friends, that you are looking at a man who has been around for a long, long time. First of all, you are not joining a new organization. Our roots can be traced as far—“
“How old, sir? How old are you?”
“One hundred and thirty three years. Give or take a few. And there are others who are older.”
“But he’s barely twenty-five,” Mrs. Hansen said to her husband. Their wrinkly hands gripped each other’s.
Mr. Hansen leaned closer to the man, as though his mind’s eye was examining him through a microscope. “Indeed.”
The young man smiled and reclined in his chair. He folded his fingers together and rest his chin on top of his knuckles. “You two youngsters ready?”
The elderly couple looked at each other.
“Then let’s begin,” the young-looking, older man said. “There are . . . things that have to be done.”
……….. ……………………………………………………………………………………………………….
The door burst open to the conference room. A petite man with thinning gray hair and a navy blue suit rushed to the head of a long oak table. “We have a problem,” he whispered into the chairman’s ear. “One of our scouts failed to report back.”
“What state or country?” the scowling man asked in no secretive manner. The pencil he was holding between two fingers suddenly snapped in half.
The little man took one step backwards. “We don’t know that, sir.”
The big guy rose out of his seat. ”Gentlemen, you will have to excuse yourselves. We’ll be in touch.”
“What about the matter at hand?” someone asked. “Sir, you were about to make a decision.”
The chairman closed his ledger. “I will be happy to resume this tomorrow, gentlemen. As for tonight . . . I suggest you spend it with your loved ones.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
“Just look at us,” Mr. Hansen said. He continued admiring his skin in the mirror. His fingers savored the silky texture of his wife’s newborn hair. “We’re young again. And we can live like this forever. Hey, wait a minute. Just a doggone minute. What’s wrong, hon? Didn’t you hear me?”
“Young,” the beautiful Mrs. Hansen said. “At the price of those children.”
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………………
The detective with the deep voice straddled his chair. “This is an outrageous story you have told us, Mr. Hansen. I’m not saying it’s not true. Exactly where do we find these perfect humans and their paradise?”
Hansen fidgeted in his seat and offered a weak smile. “I don’t know that, sir. My wife and I were . . . blindfolded and then drugged.”
“More drugs,” the detective mumbled. “Another abduction associated with drugs. Okay, you say you were young again. So why aren’t you now?”
“We don’t know that either,” Mr. Hansen said, staring at his wife. He wiped a tear from one of her baggy cheeks. “But we can’t go back to living like this. And you must not leave those children to die.”
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You put details in that are definately sci-fi but they are belivable which will drawn in your readers. Very good concept, original. Aging is a very important factor in every persons life, every one wants to find that fountain of eden, great job. I will read some of your other work, im impressed.
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Yeah that was good. Good dialogue, I can’t pick out anything in particular that I can see wrong, of course it would benefit from mroe description but you did say it was about dialogue and not narrative. Could probably do with a bit more work but no, tis good.
This dialogue is decent, but I much prefer the concept you wrote about in your notes. And I like still more the idea for the sequel. Have you considered writing “Search For The Tree of Life” under the title “Veins of Eden”, and just referring to those prior events, rather than writing them as an entire novel?
The thing about your ‘Veins of Eden’ story is that it has a bit of a typical, Flowers For Algernon flavor to it – whereas in tracing the cause of her mum’s death, the daughter would be forced to travel to a foreign country and perform the work of a detective in this unfamiliar environment, all the while being tracked by US spies. At the same time she’s still young, trying to find herself, up for adventure and detours… could be very interesting.
Peace.
This 337 word review has not been unlocked.
This did not pull me in like it should have, there is a good concept here but it failed to be intriguing. The reviewer notes were far too much, if you have that much that needs to be said than you need to inculde it in the story.
I am not sure who are the main characters if its the Hansens I failed to see things through thier eyes or connect with them in any way.
It overall felt rushed, like things were happening too fast and would likely unfold more mysteriously if we walked through and felt the oddness of being in a golden age club devoid of any elderly.
Then in time experience the more severe, pose questions and then slowly give answers, but at the same time presenting another mystery.
Gavinswar
Booth FADED GENES and VEINS OF EDEN have potential. What I didn’t see from either story idea was how you are going to make either one original. So far they sound similar to other stories, but I believe that they both could be made original by adding the right story elements.
As far as the excerpts of Faded Genes, they were somewhat suspense. The reactions of Mr. & Mrs. Hansen weren’t surprised or shocked enough about the prospect of becoming young and then after they were turned young. As far as whether you should go with either one of both, it depends on what you do with either story. If I had to take a vote I think the Veins of Eden sound more interesting.
After reading your synopsis of “Veins of Eden,” I found it interesting. It would be disheartening to have the old woman turned young die after we, the reader, invested a whole book in her. There’s no payoff in her death. If you do decide to go further with this project, I suggest the book be mainly about her daughter and the story of the old woman be a prologue or a couple of chapters long.
I love your title “Faded Genes.” It works wonderfully, reminding me of a twofold meaning—faded jeans and and an old person’s genes fading.
I think it’ll be worth your time to continue with this story. I mean, reading from the dialog draft alone makes an interesting start. You’ve got a natural flow to the dialog and the few characterizations added, makes nice imagery.
I don’t see anything glaring. This is a draft. This is a great premise to start on. I hope to see your finished work soon.
I would positively kill to see this more fleshed out. Yes, there are Fountain of Youth stories everywhere, but if this one is going where I think it’s going, run with it! Spend another hour or two with this and then call it your best short fiction.
Specifically, go back to the oak table and put another paragraph around it, describe the brochure in detail, and inch up a little towards where the story actually ends.
Excellent mechanics
Good plot, perhaps a bit more fill-in on the Hansens (they seem a bit thin on the character). Flow is generally good- sorta jumpy, but you might need that depending on the type of piece you were going after.
Overall- I expect to see you in print..
You asked for comments on grammar, so…
“million bucks worth” should be “million bucks’ worth”
“Wakeup Mr. And Mrs. Hansen” should be “Wake up, Mr. And Mrs. Hansen” and “looking at you” should be “looking at yourself”
comma after “death itself”
“tranquil silence” I’m not sure “tranquil” is the word you want here; it implies contentment and stillness, and this is a somewhat dramatic moment.
comma after “wrong people”
“young-looking” no hyphen
“Young,” the beautiful Mrs. Hansen said. ”At the price of those children.” This is where you get my attention somewhat. Before this scene, the dialogue isn’t particularly interesting, and I can’t relate (it has nothing to do with age) to the characters. Here, though I’m pretty sure what she means about the children, I’m curious about how it will all play out.
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