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Humor/Satire / The Dare Devil
Trisha
Trisha a very smart 3 year old. With her cute blond curls. She has always been the dare devil one.
Trisha being a big girl (so she thought) saw my glass of tea sitting on top of the counter in the kitchen. She decided she wanted some. She dragged her high chair over to the counter. Then she began to climb. The high chair was not quiet close enough to the glass of tea. As she reached out to get the tea, her arms not long enough to grab it. She knocked the glass over. It crashed to the floor and broke. As the glass fell, the high chair and Trisha did too. Trisha cut her tiny toe. the one next to her big toe.
Me not having a car and living in what I called the sticks. I was worried about infection and I knew all I had was a bottle of alcohol. So as I poured it on her little toe. She looked up at me not a tear in her beautiful green eyes and said “Ow bitch that hurt”
I was surprised to hear that word come out of my 3 year old’s mouth, I tried not to laugh as I explained to her not to say that word it was bad. In my own mind I was thinking that’s what I would have said too…...
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CanguroArgentino reviewed Version 2 -
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tia_logic reviewed Version 2 -
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This is a cute story, but it isn’t memorable. As one of your goals is “publishable” I would warn against relying on this piece. It’s always funny when children act as adults—but they do it often. It isn’t a new phenomena.
You have some tense issues, as well. Decide if this is meant to be present or past tense.
The phrase “the sticks” is colloquial. Saying “what I call…” makes it sound as though you have coined this phrase. I understand you’re trying to explain that you consider your home in a rural area, but mayeb saying “what I consider the sticks” would be a better choice. Also, no reason to use quotation marks. Furthers the idea you coined it.
I’d work on fleshing out the story. As it stands it’s very : this happened. Then this. Then this. Which gets boring for a reader. Also, there isn’t much to it. I’d consider making this a broader story, opening it up by including another anecdote.
Maybe you could explain why she’s a dare devil. As it stands, a three-year-old reaching for someting they want whether or not they can actually reach it is pretty much a natural occurance.
Good luck!
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Doctor_Rat reviewed Version 2 -
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You have shared a very recognisable scenario that many parents and siblings will relate to. It’s a nice little story, and [as you say] more of a memoir than high comedy or satire. There are a couple of punctuation and spelling mistakes which I ought to point out, but all in all it’s a nice, homely piece, and in a very open, conversational style.
“Quite” not “quiet” on line 3.
The section “As she reached out to get the glass, her arms not long enough to grab it. She knocked the glass over.” – either needs a comma between “it” and “she” [rather than a full stop] or a “were” between “arms” and “not”.
The section “Living in what I called “The Sticks.” With no way to the hospital. I was worried about infection.” – ought to have commas rather than full stops breaking it up. It becomes very verbless and breathless otherwise.
I suggest you lose the “as” from “So as I poured it on her little toe.”
Protagoras reviewed Version 2 -
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from a three year old! that’s pretty scary i reckon! i’m worried about the progession since then.
quiet < quite
it’s a good little story, but i think you could make it more punchy and alluring by maybe making us expect the injury to be really serious – i.e. make us think this was some really serious incident and only then punch us in the face at the end of it with the little toe cut.
it’s a funny story though, kind of exorcist like in that words are coming from a young creature that you’d never expect!
the first sentence would also be better preluded if you mentioned the other kids too, and then said: ’...and finally, there was Trisha, with her cute…’ just to gain more of a build up.
i’d advise 3 criteria max, especially for such a short piece.
DCAllen reviewed Version 2 -
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This needs to be a bit longer, just a bit. But it’s cute, and I would definitely read all these memories and smile.
Proofreading notes:
quiet close = quite
it. She (should be a comma)
Living in . . . (This series of fragments needs to be edited as one sentence.)
3 year old’s = three-year-old’s
VoidSucker reviewed Version 2 -
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This is too short to offer a meaningful review.
There are some typos and missed out words, eg:
quiet -> quite
her arms not long enough to grab it -> her arms were not long enough to grab it
So as I poured it on her little toe. She looked -> So as I poured it on her little toe she looked
The paragraph starting ‘Trisha being a big girl’ has too many short sentences in it. Short sentences can be great to (a) break up longer sentences for effect or (b) to imply fear or emotion. But yours aren’t used for either of these are so don’t read that well because they stop the flow.
This piece also lacks description so we can’t visualise the scene.
But mainly it suffers because it is too short. 214 words is one side of a piece of paper. Make it longer, add some description and some characterisation so that we can care about the characters in it.
cdnsurfer reviewed Version 2 -
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Content-wise I have absolutely not qualms with this piece. It was a nice slice of life, expressing Trish’s character and the narrator’s perfectly. It is a bit short to review effectively for story, but for vignette it works well enough.
Copy-edit: drop “one” 2nd sentence – not necessary. Note the passive voice and repetitive sentence structure in para. 2. It isn’t too much a problem given the short length of the vignette, however, in a longer piece you’ll want to pace faster, to keep the reader focused. ”quite” not “quiet”. Comma after “Ow”. Comma after “Sticks” and connect to the next sentence, and comma after “hospital” – tie the three frags. Comma after “So”. Comma after toe to tie the two frags. Period after “hurt”. Period after “mouth” or a semi-colon.
Overall, a pleasant vignette of what children do.
MollyS reviewed Version 2 -
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It’s a cute story, but I don’t think it’s up to publishing standards yet.
mikeseed reviewed Version 2 -
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“The high chair was not quiet close enough,” should “quiet” be quite? Adorable little story. I wonder where she learned to swear from. Very good imagery. I like the way you related to the child in the end with “That’s what I would have said to.” The apple doesn’t fall far from the tree. Cute story, this could be a personal account in a parenting book or something.
Cleveland reviewed Version 2 -
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Hi, you have a cute story here well worth recording .
I enjoyed the read and have a few little suggestions
that might help to present your story even more.
Are you aware you have a tendency towards the ‘being’ words?
It is a problem easily corrected. No worry there.
Also you might consider your usage of POV as with the emotions
it is important to get right.What I’ve said might be enough to
alert you on what to change. If you need more info drop me a
PM with a copy of your story. I can pass on further details.
But do write some more.
Cleveland
http://linktiles.com?tile=641
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