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Poetry / The Human Condition (Analysis)
Before you come any closer, stranger,
There are a few things that I must say.
The world surrounds me with its pain…
I see the anger
I hear the cries.
Predator and Prey.
And which one am I?
I am Predator.
A rabid cur, staring at the moon.
If you could see inside, poor stranger,
Then you would know the danger.
Inside of me dwells murder.
But still…
Let me go a little further.
I am Prey as well,
For inside, love also dwells.
In my heart, there is trust.
You may come now closer, stranger,
If you must.
And so now I must say
Before the thought passes…
Forgive us, Oh Lord,
Forgive us our trespasses
And Protect those that trespass against us.
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malyshka reviewed Version 1 -
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I like it, the ending is strong. Only suggestion would be to eliminate danger at the end of line 11. Line 18 is a good twist, I love the fact that you invite the stranger to come near you, and am suddenly reminded of the previous stanza. Very strong, thank you for sharing
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libby reviewed Version 1 -
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I think you have a lot here that you don’t need. The message is strong and clear, but to make this poem solid you need to remove much of what is extraneous. The “Predator and Prey” line and the one that follows could be removed, and in the stanzas that elaborate on it, you don’t need to begin with “I am”, just the word and a comma will do fine. I really like the last stanza but the all caps PROTECT looks messy and unprofessional, I don’t think it will help you from a publication standpoint. Good luck wherever you’re going with this.
GreenIguana reviewed Version 1 -
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I like your poem, it flows well and it has something to say. You paint a good picture of the complexity of human nature. I’m not sure I understood “protect” in the last line though. I also think being angry or fearful isn’t the same as being crazy or “rabid.” I think you should get rid of the word “rabid” and substitute something more typical instead. We all feel anger and fear which is different from being sick or crazy.
Joel reviewed Version 2 -
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In the fifth stanza, the ‘stranger’ to ‘danger’ is awkward.
The use of ‘stranger’ so much in the poem is, as well, difficult. It isn’t in the use of a repeated word, it is that the word ‘stranger’ is just to accented to me. It takes my attention away from the poem like fingernails on a chalkboard take my attention away from a conversation.
I do like the poem, don’t get me wrong. But I think you really need a more complicated rhyming scheme.
You have something good to work with here. It deserves to not be cloistered in a drawer and left as a trophy of a past event.
Joel.
MsRose79 reviewed Version 2 -
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A powerful message. Interesting read …Well written!
Joel_Mitt reviewed Version 2 -
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Unique context, not a very unique write. (How do you attract so many stalkers?) I think this piece could do without the 6th and 7th line. The rhetorical question with an answer following turned me off to the piece right off the bat. I think it would read a lot better at the start if you put the first 5 lines in one stanza, from there, moving straight to “I am Predator…” as the second stanza.
I also suggest that you consider removing this two liner-
“But still…
Let me go a little further.”
I think you can have four strong five line stanzas here, after removing the floating lines I suggested.
Heathersalberg reviewed Version 2 -
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Intriguing for the persons whom struggle with thier dark and lighter sides of thier personality.To know that there are 2 sides to every coin is a definite plus.You obviously were able to understand and relate to the stranger and both sides of him by understanding both sides within yourself.Your capability to recognize and express both sides of you is very well spoken.Asking forgiveness for both you and your stranger was a definite plus,showing your true understanding for mankind.
ellefie reviewed Version 2 -
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Structure works well, as does the duality of the poem.
In “And which one am I?” – I think it sounds better without the opening “And”. Likewise if you remove “as well” in “I am Prey as well” – it would make it sound punchier.
The ending works well; it draws in the rest of the poem. Nicely done.
dragonbite reviewed Version 1 -
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I can dig it. Its a bit choppy but I definatly feel some of the frustration coming through. You made some good choices with the wording. I think you might want to break up the lines and make them into their own individual lines. It will help to quicken up the pace of the poem which should give it a more tense and energetic feel to it. The last two stanza bring the whole piece together nicely. If you can go back through it and add some feelings that you have towarad the situation it also may give it some more intensity. Interesting topic I enjoyed it.
blimprueredux reviewed Version 1 -
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I believe it was Mort Sahl who said that the difference between men and woman had been reduced to the difference between victim and victimizer. This is an interesting angle on how easily the roles reverse…
A possible follow-up: what qualities about you attract these lunatics?
“But still let me go further” breaks the tension and dramatic flow of the poem too much-I would suggest leaving it out…
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